So maybe I’m all screw-y or something,
I’m assuming the majority of you may not be able to relate,
But sitting here alone and dreading the day, I decided why not write this post. I don’t know why I do this, nor do I think I’ll ever know why,
But I always seem to…Cut people out of my life.
I had this best friend, he was so good to me last year, when I was at the lowest point. He made sure I was happy and all, and he calmed me down every night when I felt my anxiety begin to swallow me. But ever since, I’ve always tried to cut him out from my life.
Not to mention my other friends. I’ve failed so many times, But this time, its been a month, and, somehow, I’m succeeding.
I haven’t talked to them in a long time, and I never went back once…
Why do I do this though?
Maybe its spare them, I believe.
I think that, maybe if they didn’t have to deal with me, they’d be happier and better. I do this so they can be happy…Doesn’t matter if I am not.
I think this time I’ve succeeding in cutting them off because I have plans in a couple of months, and having them hate me/not care about me, makes it easier for the future.
No one will be badly hurt…
Am I screwed up?
Tell me there’s gotta be one person thats messed up as me…
I think its ‘cuz I feel they don’t deserve to have me as a burden.
You know, as I write this, I realize, I always do it to make me feel horrible. Because I don’t deserve anything. Because I deserve to be sad and lonely and hurt and by myself…
No one deserves me.
I need to spare everyone.
I can’t help but admit I’m sorry I posted this, I feel horrible for the rest of you who gotta deal with me ,-,
Sorry y’all.
14 comments
I started to write that you do deserve happiness, and you do deserve good things, and then I realized that that would make me an incredible hypocrite, because I certainly don’t believe that about myself. Except, I guess I do believe you deserve happiness. And I can empathize with wanting to spare people, not wanting to be a burden. Took a long time to become an impossible girl. For what it’s worth, I hope that, one day, you do find happiness and are able to believe you deserve it.
GTSuicide_6,
I understand. completely normal, but not what we want to do 🙁
Really? Do you actually cut off your friends sometimes?
I guess I almost mean permanently, not just something to do temporarily, to spare others, but permanently for good.
Hey GT, nice post.
IMO you’re perfectly normal (that’s why I’m here…oh wait…)!
I have the same thoughts about removing people from my life, tbh its happening naturally as we grow up and leave our local area, this Christmas was the first time we didn’t all meet up. And I’m ok with it. I’m slowly dissolving into my own little world, partly because of not wanting to hurt others but also because as time goes on, I just simply cba with people. I think it’s a bad thing for me, but I’m just not fussed. It probably sounds retarded but it’s as simple as that. I have always been happy solo, I travel solo etc.
Secondly, doubting yourself I think is perfectly fine/normal (heck I do it daily). Sadly, thinking your worthless can, I think, be an easy way out of responsibilities, however this is negated by my first point about removing yourself from friends. The reason I say that is because self worth is one of the hardest things to ever get right. People can be either so over-confident they cause problems for others, or so under-confident they never realise their true worth. And all the under-confident people I have met in life had something awesome to offer others but it often takes more than a little encouragement.
I haven’t ever cut off friends permanently thought, life has done that for me…
Finally, and I know its selfish, but whilst I understand you have plans (and that’s totally ok, I agree with your other post that it’s your life to do with as you choose), I think it’s be a shame for the world to lose someone as insightful and caring as what you describe. Many people here say they don’t want to burden others, and I think its one of the most brilliant, selfless attitudes to have. It should be cherished, not abused by others when they feel sad (not in a depressive way), but I’m blindingly optimistic that one day this attitude will propagate and will make the world better. Imagine how many jobs would be 1000 times better just having an empathetic boss or someone who actually gives a shit about how someone feels when they have a bad day and cant explain why?
Sorry for the ramble…
P.S. I have recently accepted that I am the biggest hypocrite I know. Apologies, I’m working on it…
By accident, I hadn’t replied to you, but I was asking if you were willing to chat via email with me? It’d be nice to have a friend…
I like your posts too. I just didnt thibk i could offer any good comments. So i just watched comments
I can tell you, Limited_ Infinity, I haven’t yet finished reading your post.
But I’ve heard so much about optimistic comments, hopeful words, etc etc.
I gotta say, towards the end of your post, a big smile just appeared on my face. I have no idea what it came from, but you seem to have an amazingly unique perception on life.
Regardless, don’t apologize for the hypocrisy, it’d make the two of us.
You seem like a trusting friend to have,
Would it be possible for us to email?
Thanks.
Accidentally replied to the wrong person, sorry, “tiredthoughts,” but I wanted to say, I greatly appreciate knowing you read several of my posts.
I have this expectancy that my writing abilities need to be interesting and well written, otherwise I don’t think I am worthy of anything…
It fills me with such happiness knowing you took your time to read my posts.
Thank you! 🙂
Thanks GTSuicide.I’m confused. I wouldn’t mind making a new friend from SP. I know I could use any help from everyone if I can But if you were talking to someone else. Thats ok too!. Lmk. If it was me or not. I might have interpreted it wrong
Oh. Oops. I think I got what you meant. Sometimes things go over my head but its cool
Hey GT (and tiredthoughts), I really appreciate your reply, if there’s one thing that makes me happy in this world, it’s making others smile, however briefly! You made my week!
I’m genuinely sorry to say that I don’t have an email to offer at the moment for personal conversations. I’m sorry. I’m a very private person in reality and tbh I could only offer the same advice you’d read on here anyways, so you’re not losing out in that regard! But I haven’t got anything I’d be comfortable with posting on a public forum. Feel free to keep checking in though, I’m going nowhere for at least a couple of years 🙂
Yep, I’ve cut people permanently out of my life. But my reason was not to spare them of having me as a burden. Far from it.
My purpose in alienating almost everyone in my life is because I became weary of pathetic personalities and plastic platitudes. When I speak authentically about me and my life, I get responses that I view as the easy way out where they don’t want to deal with my tremendous pain and sadness. Most of these people would be considered smart, kind, compassionate, generous, and helpful. But in actuality, they steer clear of reality when it comes to genuinely caring about others who are suffering emotionally. Over the past few years, I have alienated just about every friend and relative I’ve ever known. Everyone avoids me so they won’t have to face the Real Me, who is no longer fake. For all the time that I presented myself as happy, pleasant, patient, and ideal…. everyone loved me and told everyone else how wonderful I was.
From the other perspective, I’ve had people cut me out of their life. You may think you spare them, but you don’t. They may respect your wishes if you ask them not to contact you again, but that doesn’t mean they don’t wonder or worry. It doesn’t mean they aren’t sad when a long time passes with no reply. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt them if you die.
I understand the thoughts you are going through as I’ve had them myself and wanted to push people away too, but sometimes things can get better. I hope one day they get better for you too and you stop pushing people away.
Take care.