a little update

I am dying inside and still feel like dying in the literal fashion

However I have decided, I am not to take my own life, I’m going to go back to the Militia in Syria. I was happy there. I left a life I love for a woman that emotionally tortured the shit out of me for nearly a year. If I die there then so be it.

Things were going well, her parents had talked some sense into her, She got the Christmas Presents I sent (over $2k worth) my house was getting ready for sale (I am pulling it off the market in the next few days), we were getting along. Then she started pulling the same Silent treatment bullshit, starting arguments over nothing, blaming everything on me, calling me psychotic. Comparing me to the worst people we know….the usual shit which destroys me.

Well I did it. I told her it was enough and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I ended it…..sent a long message 3 days ago. she read it, but no response, no nothing….

Here is the Message I sent her:

So go ahead and keep blaming me for everything….

I am not even angry right now. I am tired. Tired of being treated this way. Tired of you breaking promises. Tired of being lied to, tired of having to ask for details. Tired of being bitched at. Tired of being called names. Tired of the arguing. Tired of your total unwillingness to put effort into this relationship……

I told you some of the nightmares I have endured, and how I have been treated my entire life.

I thought you were different. I thought you cared about me. But your behavior shows me you are not different. You are the same. You don’t give a fuck about me as long as you get what you want.

That hurts. I put everything I had into this relationship and you give nothing. Because it is inconvenient…

I am not going to call you at home or work tomorrow. I am going to call your mom and tell her goodbye though.

I will still send the next package.

I just can’t take being treated like this anymore.

All those dreams, coffee readings, and blessings. All those prayers I have said. All the sacrifices I have made. They mean nothing anymore

Your have pushed me to give up. Give up on love, give up on us, give up on ever being happy. I am so tired

I wish you would fight for me. I wish you would work with me so we can succeed. But that won’t happen.

Tomorrow when you get to work you are going to read all this and send me a long hateful message blaming everything on me. Its okay. I know it’s coming. I won’t respond though.

I am done fighting with you. I am done fighting for you. I tried my best and it wasn’t enough.

Earlier this month I warned you. You keep pushing me away one time I won’t come back….I think I finally reached that point. I gave all of me to you. I don’t have the strength to walk away, and I don’t have the strength to keep fighting.

I love you K.

I guess my problem, and all I have ever really wanted in a partner….its someone who would fight for me. Someone that cared enough about to me to make a conscious effort to meet me in the middle on the difficult issues.

I’m so torn up right now. Its different than it was last month though. this time its less Suicidal flash of intense emotion, and more of a dull pain. Like I have a bunch of rocks sitting on my chest and I just cant breathe.

Fight for me please….

I wish she would call me, be humble, admit she made mistakes and that she would change. But even if she does, it will be empty words, hollow sounds that will temporarily make me feel better….but in the long run it would devastate me further because people don’t change unless they want to change. Since she does not think she does anything wrong, why would she want to change.

So I’m going back to my life before her. I know there is a very big likelihood I will be killed, but as the French say, Cest le vie. I thrive in combat. Its the only place I’ve been where I don’t have to worry about my heart being broken….