My car destroyed, glasses and phone broken, and me bleeding all over the fucking pavement mistaking a concussion and shock for dying.
It was such a relief. Except then I didn’t die. Not even close. And everyone tells me it’s a miracle and all that matters is I’m here. What can you say to that? “I feel so lucky and grateful for your care. You mean everything to me. And yet, somehow despite all of that I continue to actively seek and desire death, even knowing how much it will hurt you.”
I haven’t tried to kill myself in eight years because the last time ruined everything and damaged all the people I was trying to protect. Guilt has kept me going, but hasn’t made me any less selfish.
This should have been it; I’m so ready to quit this pity party.
5 comments
8 years is a long time, i havent gone that long without an attempt, inhope the next time works 🙁 tired of failing
It’s been a very long time. My last attempt put my mom in the hospital as well. She had a stroke. I can’t reverse it, but I can pay for it for the rest of her life at least.
Sorry, I hope everyone finds some peace.
Wow 8 years is a long time to hang in there. Your not selfish, you’ve battled this for a long time for the people you care about. Has it been bad for those 8 years or have you had some relief from your suicidal desires in that time? I’m planning on leaving tomorrow.
Sorry about the pain your mother’s stroke caused you. I think it must be hard for you, even if I don’t know anything, and even if it was eight years ago. I wish suicide wasn’t so hard for parents, and that we could be free from that pain without it meaning loosing them.
Sorry about your material lost and how this whole miracle took place.
Hope you are not in pain. And hope you find some peace someday soon. For real.
Jeez. I’ve been suicidal for 8 years. My attempt, which was very impulsive, was 6 years ago. Since then, I made a pact with myself and I set a date. I can’t make attempts until that date, which is about 10-15 years from now. It is killing me. I think about killing myself every single day. But I don’t do anything about it. I only cut, just to see blood. Sometimes I hold a knife to my throat in one of those very painful nights where I’m extremely suicidal, then think about my plan. It always makes me place the knife down. My family as well. I love my mother too much. I don’t want to hurt her like that. I don’t see myself alive beyond the age of 35.
I’m really sorry about your mother, ibidem. I have the best mother ever, and I love her too much. I don’t ever want to hurt her.