some to say before the end

Hello, I can’t keep taking life from no success and all failures. They say you should try and keep trying but all i have been doing is stopping and stopping. I keep telling myself will i get better if i keep my vision on the right track. But when i think about it.. What do i really envision about myself? I’m 24 and male. my life has been a huge lack on interaction with people. it’s so hard to be myself with new people because the real me is a trans-gender. I always had more guy friends then girls.. I wanted to have more friends who i have interests with. So when i was 17 i pretended to be gay to have more of a feminine side to people so i can finally meet girls and talk about girly things and just speak myself freely as possible. But when i kept at it i turned sad again knowing they only liked me for the gay me.(i am a female in a males body but also only like women so i am a lesbian). I moved away from them since i was with 2 parents who hated each other since their divorce. I was a quiet kid with half my school years. But then i somehow(can’t remember). Was able to talk to people but in the end of that i had a lot of people who were called “friends”. But they were not. I had like 50 people’s phone numbers and none of them texted me or called me to hang out i t was always my effort to push to get them to hang out with me. I was so alone even if i had so many numbers and none of them texted me or called me to hang out it was always my effort to push to get them to hang out with me. i was so alone even if i had so many numbers. Then when i turned 20 i graduated high school.. at fucking 20… i had so much trouble in learning. i went through absolute hell being 20 and still in high school that i didn’t talk to anyone because so many called me slow or said disgusting or pedophile just because i was 20!? so after that i fell into a hole where i stayed on the computer for 4 straight years. I have 2 good friends very close to me. Most would kill to have that in their life even if i feel alone even with it.. My bff even cryed for the first time in his life because i called him and said i was going to commit suicide and say good bye to him. But his tears stopped me. many or a LOT of people would say i’m stupid for thinking of suicide or rather plan on it. But even with the stuff i said positive i still feel so lonely. My loneliness is killing me. This is my worst mental breakdown to date. A lot of the times i want friends and i mean people i can actually express myself to. So i tried going on the Internet and joining meetup sites to meet people. But the groups i wanted to join didn’t accept me. So that was a road block and a annoying one. All i want in my life turns out to be the hardest thing to get or if even possible. Which is happiness. So hard to obtain… I had 3 gf’s in my life my first gf royally fucked up with me so i let her go my 2nd was awesome but i am a fuck up now so it didn’t last. The 3rd doesn’t matte. I have a disability called schizophrenia. It’s real tough at times to deal with when i hear screaming voices in my head(imagine a drill sgt yelling in your ear). When they kick in it’s so hard to have a conversation. People often wish they were hot, pretty, or handsome or w/e… i have no convo skills for irl (in real life). i don’t have the motivation to walk up to women. Even if i did why would a straight women want to date another female???? Even if i look like a man.. I said the first thing because i was told i was a handsome person a few people who were judgmental about it. I don’t see how good looks are any good if you don’t even know how to use it… well with all this said i’m basically just too lonely to continue this life. And I don’t see any progress on achieving something for it. Thank you for reading my bad grammer. This will be a good bye on my part.