Wishful Death

Around the time of high school my life was so miserable. I couldnt make any friends and i felt useless. I didnt feel like i would amount to anything. I dont even remeber how old i was exactly i just remeber being in my room deciding suicide was the best option. Since im a christian (whether you believe or not. The fact is i do hence why i thought the way i did) i figured heaven would be a more prefered place to live. Besides i had no special talent her on this terrible planet. My grades were always bad. Learning things was always difficult for me and people love to use me. On top of that my very own brother when i was way younger (who i trusted) molested me multiple times. I hated this world so i planned on suicide by gun. But i could get any farther than thinking about it. I couldnt hel
p but think god would just be disappounted in me and people seeing me as a coward. So i made god a promise not to ever commit suicide but the thing is ten years later I wont do it but i hate this world.
There is no right or wrong people. We all suck including myself. Which doesnt help my suicidal thoughts. I used to think as myself as a good person until i realized that doesnt exist. I have felt the emotion to want to murder someone before. I cannot forgive my brother no matter how much pain i see him going through. Guys terrify me. I will have small good days but then ill fall down again and make my parents keep over spending my allowance for each month for groceries because i cant control money. Im sad all the time. But i dont understand. I have an amazing family and friends now. I myself have money. Nothing else bad besides what my brother did has happened to me. Im going to a high rank art school i dont deserve. My grandparents are helping pay for it. My life is cared for yet i cant find one reason to keep improving myself and wanting to live other than the promise i made. I dont want to grow old. I want to die but it cant be by my hand or me just being stupid. I cant leave my family behind either. Living and working hard just to he rich and famous in the future isnt worth it for me eitherm sure it would be nice but i just need purpose to want to live. Im sorry god but youre not enough. Why do i have to live here.i want to be the best out there at my passions but again i dont give a damn. Just let me leave this world. Im in so much pain. What purpose is strong enough for me to be happy living here?