I’m a train wreck. Moods swinging on a damn pendulum. I’m happily depressed. I’m miserably excited.
I’m too alive to die, but too dead to live.
My brains churning out 60 ideas for things a minute. Simultaneously explaining why I’m a stupid piece of shit and deserve to die.
I’m getting so much encouragement here, but discouragement at home. I’m drawn to some of you like the insane idiot I am while compulsively closing myself from reality. I don’t know what the fuck I’m even saying.
42 comments
No shame in that. I close the curtains on my reality on a regular basis.
I’m seriously losing my grip. Too many thoughts.
I absolutely understand. The cacophony in my head some nights is desfening. I just keep moving forward. A thousand mile journey starts with but one step.
Alan, 🙁 well, lets see it this way: there is a job and a family out there that mix things you may or may not like with each other… but this site, letting that other big part of you, that is the you you have inside, is as real as the other. We are developing a part of us here that wasn’t developing anywhere else… so come with out remorse. This is not scaling reality, this is leting your mind run free.
Don’t punish yourself for being a mind of contradictions, that’s what life is, a constant struggling and that’s why they talked about good and evil, heaven and hell. We are contradicting our selves all the time… it’s a normal living things deal with.
But you are good at words, I liked how you put it at the beginig
Hugs
The freedom of self expression here makes the box of confinement that much more unpleasant. Like, I genuinely like what you post, I read it, I acknowledge your existence…lol I look for you to comment on mine. I think we mentally click somewhere. It’s awesome. I get that with a large percentage here. Then IRL it’s like am I the crazy one or the sane one, I can’t tell.
This might sound a bit corny but, have you tried meditation? even breathing exercises where you just do some breathing for a while and try to blank your mind helps wonders at times.
I meditate to sleep nightly.
Are you smoking weed? I get a barrage of thoughts when I do the 420 thing. I havent done it in about a year… but that is how I get when I do. If you are getting a lot of thoughts try writing them down as they come and try to navigate your mind toward something useful. Maybe you will come up with some good ideas that you can make money off of. Or maybe you could write a novel or something.
No, I gave up drugs 10 years ago, alcohol 1.5
My big struggle right now…. I fucked up.
I’ve been sharing my thoughts, feelings, poetry, stories, music here. It’s so well received. Honestly, it’s just pushing me to dig deeper, harder. So many of you, we click on this level. It’s so, overwhelming, good and nurturing.
Then I start sharing in the real world… With someone I should be closest to. I get told my thoughts are bad, I’m feeling wrong, my writing too dark, my music is evil. Literally telling me my love for arts, the thing I’m saying is fucking motivating me is just Satan… WTF?
So why wouldn’t I gravitate towards being accepted? Then I’m just reminded how fucking trapped I am….come abduct me please? Anyone…
buddy, I’m standing right in your shoes. the man I’m married to couldn’t care less about the music I listen to, the poetry I write of the fact my head is a brick of cheese cake some nights. There are days I just crawl so deep into myself that I forget anyone is even in the house with me. I fly solo on most things, and it has been that way for years. He won’t let me go, and he won’t join me on this journey. Man I so understand where you are coming from.
At this point, I’d take not caring over preaching any day. Don’t tell me a song is pure evil, when I’m saying I relate to it and it’s helping me.
Don’t these people realize how fucking damaging this is?
they do not care. No one iota. My previous husband used that shit on me. My current one just doesn’t give a fuck. I’m at the point in my life where I am at a crossroad and the crossroad I take will dictate my life from this moment on. I have recaptured who I am in my heart and have begun to express it again. Years of hiding and stuffing the person residing in my heart. I am pretty much written off on most of the things I love and or have achieved. Whether it is because he is incapable of expressing or feeling these things matters very little to me any more. We are going to marriage counseling where I get to here how pointless my existence is and how terrible a person I am. I get to hear about how my accomplishments are amateurish and how they teach HTML to six graders. I get to hear how my success has ruined his life and how awful his life is. The list is endless. So I crawl into myself and build this little brick wall that surrounds me and I put on my headphones and tune him out. I was raised by the queen of crazy, he can’t touch her crazy, I can tune out abuse and crazy. I just wish he would let me go.
Well that does depend on the music. If you’re listening to a song that says “satan is my savior and i will sacrifice lambs goats and little babies while bathing on it’s blood to honor him”… yeah, that’s going to raise some eyebrows. For some reason that whole line just rolled out my mind, with justin bieber like music to go along with it… gosh.
And well, to second what hazy says above… some people don’t realize it, even if you tell them. Some don’t care. And there’s also the specially crappy individuals that fall into both categories… guess that’s why many of us end up in places like this huh?
HDS – You wish he would let you go. Why are you waiting for him to “let you go”? Why don’t you just go?
For fucks sake HDS, when you kept saying you felt my pain… Yeah…
I just don’t think I can crawl back inside.
@stay or go: Yeah about that, I asked for a divorce, he said no. I have a special needs son who would loose three years of emotional growth if he took a stand against me leaving. He would make me sell the house and would be just awful about the whole thing, which would devastate my son. If I made my son move he might take years to recover. He threatened (my son) to kill himself last year This is the first year of true stability in his life. He is doing well in school and emotionally is really stable. No cops at the school, I don’t have to count where all the steak knives are. It’s been a really nice six months.
So, I ask myself, what price do I pay for the love of my son? The price is freedom. Because my husband will not let me free without a fight. The price is too steep, at least for now.
Mf- In my case, anything besides Christians Worship, is the devil.
Guess I’m suppose to get on my knees and start pleasing Jesus.
I think I seen a blood vessel burst in her forehead when I did say that to her.
@alan: you don’t need to crawl back inside, just share with the right people. She isn’t the right people.
BTW she isn’t a Christian. At least not one I’d associate with.
HDS – I understand your position. And yes, I agree with you that your son’s well being is more important. Good for you, but it’s such a rough road to travel for X number of years.
Yes. Hence the Suicide site.
How old is your son? aka how much more of your husband you gotta take?
He is 10. so um. As much as it takes to ensure that my son will have a happy adulthood.
Truthfully, my husband has days were he is decent. If I chose my words wisely and think before I speak I can have a decent day with him. I just can’t be me. It’s his loss really. I’m me with my kids, my friends and you folks here. well maybe a little more honest with you folks but really how much crazy can someone dish out IRL and expect to keep any friends right?
So the answer is…meh. Don’t know. Right now the cost of leaving is way more than the cost of staying. As long as the balance stays that way, then that is how it will play out.
HDS- well… You rock… (Slow clap)
Slowest fucking epic clap ever.
What I am trying to communicate, in a weird way, is that you can live. You can chose to live. Walking forward, one step at a time. There are people waiting to take your hand but you have to walk to meet them. Build a wall around your heart and put your headphones on. She can’t hurt you. She thinks she can, but she really can’t, not if you build you wall and share with people that honestly care about you and your happiness, not some trumped up thing they decided for you.
But, how do I stop myself from getting too drawn in? Like OK, I’m in a hell hole at the moment. I’m teetering on a tipping point. So suppose I just keep going forward. I keep sharing. Let’s say someone starts sharing with me… Obviously that connection will mean the world. Hypothetical, I’d naturally gravitate towards mutual understanding and appreciation and away from her. Which is going to make things really fucked up. Not to mention, anybody who digs my interest is likely a wreck too, so then what?
Hmmm. I’m going to risk saying go right ahead. We live but once right? I’m not saying start some torrid affair with someone as fucked up as you are, but there is something to be said with having a pair of ear that just listen, no judgement, no shame. It can be tempting to transfer some kind of romantic feelings their way, which is only natural but I would advise against acting on it. There is no harm in sharing, being close, having friends. It is a lie that we only should share our hearts with one person in this world. But that is just one chicken owners opinion. I have found more than one individual on this forum to be wonderful heartfelt friends who listen with no judgement. That gives me strength to put up with day to day bullshit and hardship. Knowing I have a few people who are going through the same type of thing. or possibly worse. I hope that makes sense.
yeah, no SP romance though, that tends to end badly. Like hanging from a doorframe badly.
You’re going too deep there. Sometimes a meaningful connection doesn’t have to “evolve” so to speak. Many people here just share and comment and have this, next to their regular life, which makes it more endurable (and this space a bit more precious). As for her… well, that’s a whole other debacle, because the possibility of losing yourself into another world (so to speak) exists since the beginning of the internet. Hell, it could be said that arts are ways of escapism too and those have sort of always existed.
Just leaving this here for reference… youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I
Well, HDS. It’s happened before. Few years ago. I met someone and it was like click, this is alright. So, I promptly filed divorce. Kinda fuck the world I’m following my heart. She begged, pleaded, threatened… Yadda yadda. So I broke it off, severed contact, and came back. And well. Shit was bad before, it’s 100X now.
I’m not saying I’m trying to find the love of my life here. I’m just saying, I know how I react to that prospect? I guess…
Nope, I totally get where you are coming from. Queen of impulsive choices here, when in doubt leap, that is my motto. I’ve mellowed out now that I am older, but I used to follow my heart all over the country. Like Mf said though, caution. Count to ten before you speak if you find yourself opening a can of romance over the internet. No I get it, truthfully I do. I love to write, and given the chance I could make a total ass out of myself, but I have some heavy air breaks on my brain lately. When I can’t break, I turn off all my devices and call my shitty social worker friend who always is a complete bucket of cold water in my face.
Well except last time I talked to him her recommended me taking a lover. So maybe I’ll call my cousin next time.
GAGA!
I don’t know where I’m headed but it’s sure getting warm in this hand basket….
Let me just say one more thing on this topic. Why kill yourself when there is passion waiting for you out there? Why let her win? That is what you are doing after all, letting her win. It is far better to walk away and live life than to end it. Part two is waiting for you. death is the end. It isn’t like it is going anywhere. Leap. You can kill yourself later if it all goes south right?
Just an idea.
But yeah um. don’t kill yourself mkay?
HDS… I’m getting too tired to argue that logic. Your rational thinking makes my brain hurt. Seriously, thanks tho…
Mkay, killing yourself is bad, mkay, an I don’t wanna be bad, mkay. So I won’t kill myself mkay, or anyone else mkay, don’t wanna be bad, mkay? Mkay.
If you don’t read that in Mr. Mackys voice then something’s wrong mkay?
@alan: imagine having this brain in your head arguing with you all the time. Exhausting.