the demon inside

i am reeling from the death of both parents in a two month span. trying to deal with a slew of health problems. having an alcoholic husband. suffering from life long treatment resistant depression. and there is that suicidal demon inside who never misses an opportunity to point out how easy it could be to go. it tells me at seemingly random times i could do various things to end this sad life. six months ago i set a deadline. that day was yesterday. how ironic that yesterday i got the first check from my parents banking accounts. i can’t do that to my brother. i have to stay for him. but it is persistent and opportunistic. and depression never takes time off. i am trying to overcome. without meds. i am willing to give meds another try but the psychiatrist wont see me. i am looking into tms. all of this is pointless if the demon won’t let up. i am afraid. afraid this will be the year the demon wins.