To be honest, I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why. Nothing particularly bad happened I’m just so unreasonably miserable.
Today, I’m so desperately wishing that the human body wasn’t built to survive, and that it wasn’t so difficult to die. I wish I knew how to use a gun, because if I did I’d shoot myself since I have access to a gun. I wish all the useless leftover antidepressants I had would kill me if I took them all. Maybe the lexapro would since I’m allergic.
I wish I knew one person who was kind to me, I wish I had friends. I wish I knew one person who wasn’t broke or in need. I wish I knew one person who was successful. I wish I knew one person who was actually happy. I wish I didn’t need money so damn bad. I wish I didn’t need support and friendship and love, but I do. And it’s never any where to be found. I wish I knew someone who had a relationship that worked out. I wish I knew anyone who had ever had anything work out for them.
Life seems so full of shit. For the past 20 years people have told me it will get better when things just get worse. And to be honest, as stupid and cliche as it is sometimes that’s all I want to hear. Sometimes all I want is a real live friend to tell me it will be okay, but I never get that. I put so much effort into people that put no effort into me. I’ve been abused my whole life and now all I know is how to abuse myself.
Once a psychologist told anyone can think themselves into a depression and that’s all I do all the time, is sit here and think myself miserable. I feel so worthless all the time. Why does anyone bother? I’m a miserable person who is struggling for money and hates waking up everyday. So is everyone else I know. I’ve never met someone who’s actually enjoying their life so what’s the point?
Sorry, most of my posts are just random outpourings of emotions that make me sound so stupid and crazy, but they make me feel better so don’t judge me.
5 comments
Chelle; I will be your friend. I may not be sucessful, or happy all of the time. But I manage to almost always put others before myself when in need. I know exactly where you are coming from. I’m 22, and out of a home currently due to money issues. It’s rough. But I believe that you can make it. Seeing a new face on SP has always made me to believe that; if someone is on here reaching out, they must be some of the strongest people to ever come across. Everyone also seems to have a very amazing heart. Some of us might not be stable in our heads, but it’s in your heart that counts. I dont thing you’re weird or crazy. When reading this what came to my mind is; this person is genuine, and I would like to see what I can do to help (if able). These thoughts you’re having are wrenching, and can wear you down to you’re lowest points. I know this all to well. So if you need someone to vent to, I am willing to be that person. Even if I am not online for a month or so, I always read through posts I’ve missed. You could always caption a segment with ‘BeauBri’ and I will for sure be able to read it the next time I make an appearance. I always search for post adressed towards me, and I look back at all my old posts to see if I had a reply.
Thank you, that is very kind of you. I was on here for a little while over a year ago, but I stopped getting on. It really does help to know someone wants to help. I guess sometimes all I want is for someone to realize how bad I’m struggling and say something encouraging or kind, but most people in my life are unwilling to do that. I primarily know people who are poor, on drugs, are alcoholic, and are abusive. And I’m very tired of being told that I have to be there for myself, because I have been my whole life and it gets to hard to be the only fighting for me when I don’t even really want to. Thank you for reading, most people aren’t as kind to me as you are and you don’t even really know me.
Chelle; I’m sorry to hear that is how you feel, and what you go through. Sometimes all a person ever wants is to be loved or accepted by another person. Sadly we live in a world where that isn’t so much the case. Most people that come into our lives seem to only care about one thing. And that is themselves. Which I believe is selfish. Everyone must care about their self enough to a point of confidence or what ever you seem fit. But to care about another person or be there for someone seems ungraspable in other people’s lives anymore. I often ask myself; what kind of world do we live in when most people are built up on this? Well I cant anwser that. I dont know why people are like this. Maybe they are scared, or even alone themselves. But what I know is that there’s always that one person for everyone. (You’re lucky if you find more than one). That one person is a genuine human being. Someone willing to do what ever they can for another, when ever they can. I’d like to think of myself as one of these people. I care. I love. I’m always there for anyone event though I struggle myself. Because I know what it’s like to be truely alone, I’ve been there. I know how much it hurts, and I don’t want anyone to feel they way I do. No one deserves that, no even you.
hey there ..I feel your pain..and I am here ..when u need ..
Well I am sorry to hear about your pain. One thing I can say is that you are a good writer. You articulate yourself well with words and so forth. I am sorry to hear that your life has gone this way. But I understand fully. I am in a similar situation. I have a painful life and wonder why It has to carry on like this. I do have things to enjoy but find life a painful existence for the most part. Its sad at times. I wish you well.