This pain in my stomach, won’t go away…

…That is a lie. There are times when I can go whole hours without noticing it.

But any time I have to do something involving conscious thought, up it pops. My body is hard-wired to react negatively to encounters with reality. Everything is just another sign that I’m inferior. That I will never live up to my own expectations. That I’m a failure as a human-being.

I’m trying to accept these feelings. This despair that smothers me. But it’s exhausting. I get a few hours a day when I feel strong enough to function, but the rest of the time I just want to curl up and die. It’s so hard to sleep, and when I do I have stress dreams.

And it’s been like this for years. And it’ll most likely go on being like this for years.

And that’s ok. I deserve this. I can live with this.

But the anxiety won’t stop eating away at my gut. Things need to get done. And I’m in no state to do anything.