Hello guys. I don’t know where to start. This is my first post here.
I have borderline personality disorder and find it nearly impossible to have meaningful and healthy relationships. I feel so alone all the time and have no one I can talk to about it. When I try I get the stereotypical “try to be less negative.” This loneliness leads to hatred. Hatred of happy people. Hatred of laughing kids. Hatred of those with good jobs and loving girlfriends. Hatred of the world; and even more hatred for those who can’t see how fucked up it is. This hatred drove away my girlfriend, it drives away my friends and even drives away my family. No one wants to be around me anymore.
I deal with this hatred however I can. Video games and painting (my former hobbies) stopped being interesting to me years ago. Now I rely on sex, drinking, and drugging to dull my pain and stop thinking. But even these are no longer effective.
I am an attractive 25 year old male; yet I feel like a 60 year old man. I am tired. I can’t keep going through life like this. These emotions are wearing me down. If these are the best years of my life; then I want out. I can’t even imagine how miserable I’ll be when I’m old.
I just want it to end. This hatred and loneliness is destroying me. I want to end my life before I ruin my own reputation in the eyes of my family and what little friends I haven’t driven away yet.
I obviously have no where else to turn.
Anyway: Hi. I am Dillon. And I’ll be here until I can’t take life anymore. Shouldn’t be long now.
15 comments
Hi, I have BPD too , but I am a female. I cannot maintain relationships. It’s like everyone else figured out how to hold onto someone, but I still haven’t yet. I did have a very long relationship for years, but I drove him crazy a lot of times. Then the guilt sinks in and I feel like a monster. I’m tired of the rejection from guys all the time. I fear abandonment so I have a tendency of pushing people away before they get rid of me. It’s an awful life living with it. In my 20s was at my worst with the sleeping around and all kinds of risky behaviour. I think it’s a little more calm in my 30s, but I still have hints of it at times. I understand the hatred. How can people laugh and have normal lives while we’re in this deep pit of misery? When I hear laughter, it angers me. Why do you get to be happy and I don’t? Why do I have to suffer? So I understand the hatred. After my relationship of 8 years or so destructed, I knew I’d be alone for the rest of my life. So far there’s been dates here and there, but they always go away. They can tell they can do better than me.
Do you talk to a therapist or work out at all? Working out can help get that anger out. I take it out on my body when I’m angry, I run on the treadmill faster while listening to hard rock tunes. Anything to help relieve the tension. Even walking around the block while listening to music can help and I make 10,000 steps a goal. It’s important to feel proud of yourself for something.
I work 10 hours a day at a miserable dead end job (cashier at a liquor store). So this job obviously doesn’t help the hate… or the drinking. I start work at noon and get out at 10. I have no health insurance or time to see a therapist or work out.
I agree. I’ll never be able to have another relationship. My last one ended… explosively. After a year of living with her; I drove her crazy. When she opened up about how crazy I’m driving her, I pushed her away. She wanted to still be friends, but she didn’t know what she was doing. After months of a contemptuous friendship; I exploded. I contacted her co-workers (at an elementary school) and told them about some unsavory and embarrassing behavior she engaged in. The next day I was served a restraining order. I even hate this poor girl who I loved just months ago. I attempted to ruin her life. I wanted to scar her like I am forever scarred.
If I can do this to someone I loved; I do not deserve to live. None the less deserve to love.
The worst part is: all I can do is hate her. Shes normal. She can look back at the good times and smile. All I can do is hate. I’ve been fantasizing about killing myself in a park or something with no ID on me: just her phone number. That way she will have to identify my body(which would scar her even more). I’ve even planned on shaving my scruff to just a mustache (porn-stash as she called it.) I sometimes teased her by rocking the porn-stach. She hated it.
I don’t deserve to live or love. And I can’t live without love.
Hi dillon, sorry your going threw this hard time. hatred isnt a good thing to hold on to. itll eat you up inside. im glad you decided to open yourself up and talk about this. i feel hatred too but only towards myself. i know people always say this but things im sure will get better and if not then it always helps to post. hope your doing ok. btw your eye looks awesome.
I hate everything. Myself especially.
I’m fairly positive that I will never get better. I’ve been living like this for a decade and my interpersonal relationships have only gotten worse. I drove my brother away. I haven’t seen my two friends in months. I recently fucking fuck fucked up my relationship with my girlfriend (see response to above post) and destroyed the poor girl in the process.
I just want it to end. I’m tired of struggling to have the most basic human interactions. I’m tired of pain. It wont get better.
And thanks. I love my eyes. They change color when I’m sad. They are regularly blue: green when I’m crying.
I wish I could let go of the hatred. But I can’t. It’s not just a switch I can flip.
You have an illness.it makes us impulsive and explosive. My ex for the most part was more laid back and said “Why do you always bring up negative stuff.” He suffered from depression too, but my anger and hatred for darkness was worst so I felt like an anchor to him. I was drowning so he was drowning too. It was bound to end somehow. Try to forgive yourself for what you did. I know, it’s hard as hell. When you admit you’ve done wrong, that absolves you. It’s a law of the universe type of thing.
I would recommend a book called The Power. It helped me in my deepest, darkest time. My spirit was light and I was happy to wake up every day. Then I forgot the message of the book and fell back into my old ways. Please read it. I will force myself to read it too, you’ll be amazed how much that negative energy can change once you read it. Also, don’t let your hatred stop you from loving certain people because anything life-threatening can happen to loved ones at any given time. Someone can die and you’ll feel bad for holding on to all that anger.
I’m not a victim with an illness. My ex is. Anyone who ever loved me is. Even my own mother. They are the victims. Not me. I’m a monster. I can’t forgive myself. I speak a lot of my hate, but more than anything. I hate myself for everything I’ve ever done. I pity those who care about me.
I can’t in good consciousness grow close to anyone anymore… ever again. This is no way to live life.
I half envy borderline people. At least you guys know how to get INTO relationships.
Not really. It was just pure luck I had a long relationship at one time. I’ve had other relationships too, but it is not easy at all. I don’t know how to get into a relationship anymore and I don’t think I want one. It would have to be one where we don’t see each other often because it takes too much energy. That’s just my problem. I don’t really believe in love anymore…Or I don’t believe anyone will love me again.
I’m not a victim with an illness. My ex is. Anyone who ever loved me is. Even my own mother. They are the victims. Not me. I’m a monster. I can’t forgive myself. I speak a lot of my hate, but more than anything. I hate myself for everything I’ve ever done. I pity those who care about me.
I can’t in good consciousness grow close to anyone anymore… ever again. This is no way to live life.
I’ve never been diagnosed with borderline, but I’ve always been extremely sensitive so it seems likely I have either BPD or AvPD. I know the hatred you are talking about very well. Some days I just feel like giving the finger to anyone and everyone I see, just walking down the street or whatever. I often hate the world too. I’ve gotten very good at bottling up all my feelings inside.
I bottled up my feelings end exploded. If I express my feelings no one wants to be associated with such a negative prick.
I just feel so fucked. How can I be happy like this?
When I first saw the picture of your eye, I was excited because I thought you were ToTrees.
(His avatar is a close-up of a blue eye).
He left us a few weeks ago when he had to have brain surgery to remove an arachnoid cyst.
The last we heard, it had gotten infected and the doctors had given him a 25% chance of survival.
We haven’t heard from him since, which makes me very very sad.
He was almost 50 and married;
I see you are 25 and single.
Welcome to SP, of course.
Hopefully a miracle will happen and ToTrees will recover and return someday.
Then you can meet the other blue eye. 🙂
I hope your friend is okay.
Honestly I hope so too.
I miss him terribly.