Today was the first day in months that I have gone to bed with a calm conscience. I feel out of place and joyous and all these things that are both great and terrifyingly new. I can’t even remember what it was like to sleep with a clear conscience.
I am well aware and will be the first to say that I am undeserving of this clear conscience. I am terrible, but I suppose my underlying narcissism is here to aid me to sleep. I’m so ridiculously, even though I know tomorrow will be a living hell for me. I don’t even care, and even want to attempt to make tomorrow better.
I feel like I am about to die; like this is the big push before a mega downfall, yet I am somehow not worried, as much as I wish I would be. I am so out of my mind right now.
So, to anyone reading this, have a damn fantastic day. I love you all. Stay alive just a little longer. Maybe you’ll find a burst of light to keep you going on just a little bit longer. I don’t know why you’re on this earth (hell, I don’t even know why I’m here.) All I know is that we’re here, and that’s got to count for something. So, stay alive tonight, sleep well, have dreams of greatness. God bless us, everyone!
2 comments
I can really relate to that release you get after you have come to peace with the idea of killing yourself. I found the experience of detaching from miserable reality I created in my mind. My perceptions were warped by a harsh paradigm with a rigid rule set finessed with varying levels of obligation, strange unforgiving rules, and the standards of others. It also gave me a unique level of self realization, It showed me how obsessive and judgmental I am towards myself and others.
The unfortunate thing is, when I have finally move through my almost manic stage of despondent, careless apathy, and I really start to focus on bettering myself all of the irrational, rigid anxieties and physical responses to fear resurface. Most times they hit harder than previously because I managed to ignore them for so long.
I hope you’re treating yourself with care even though you’ve rejected your reality.
I agree , it doesn’t matter where we go or what we do .. We can’t run away from the inevitable