Feeling depressed and not worth living? Then you have been lied to… (Part 1)

Let me first tell you a bit of my story and how I found this website – I was searching for methods to commit suicide. Why? I do not feel suicidal at all and I do not want to die at all. However, I may not have any other option. The reason for this is that there are some criminal people treating to do horrible things to me and my family, presumably because I was the cause for their significant financial losses (we are talking millions “supposedly”). While I can accept being killed I do not want my family to be affected. Therefore, my only option could be to commit suicide in a public place in order to draw some attention to my case. Contacting the authorities in my country instead would most likely do not result in any positive outcome (in fact it could be the opposite) due to the extremely widespread corruption and the connections of the people that threatens me. In my country at least half of the police has close contacts with the mafia (including at the highest ranks) and the other half is either somewhat connected or has its hands tied. In my country the mafia bosses are unofficially state employees (supported and protected by the government) if not the actual people in power controlling the government.

With this said let me tell you what I mean by “you have been lied to”.

While I have never really wanted to die (although I have had such thoughts in the past) I have been depressed during the most part of my life and only recently have began to really enjoy living. And I’m over 30 years old! I have began to enjoy life because I realized why I have been depressed all this time – it is because I have been lied to.

The moment you are born you are surrounded by your parents and relatives. While they could be nice and caring people (not exactly my case) depending on the way they see the world they start to teach you lies they believe in or if they are egoistic enough – lies that they want you to believe in (e.g. be obedient, do only what you are told, do not cry, do not ask for this or that, and so forth, and so forth). You may happen to have a tyrannical parent, a parent that does not care about you at all (treating you like you do not exists or is the least important thing in their life), parents that resort to physical, psychological or verbal violence (e.g. yelling at you regularly saying you are ugly, stupid, ungrateful, whatever).

Ultimately you are being raised as a stressed child that may be scared to do anything their parent(s) would not approve. You copy this behavior in your communication with other people, being shy, avoiding contacts or you are scared that others will yell at you and/or hit you the way your parents do. You may begin to feel that the world are treating you coldly, that you are unwanted, that you are not good enough to be together with other people and engage in social activities with them OR the opposite – that you are too sophisticated/clever/superior and others simply cannot understand you so it is meaningless to engage in social actives with them or even to talk to them. Whatever protection mechanism your mind has chosen it is a response to the ugly life you have been experiencing as a young child.

Regardless of how you have been raised during early childhood at some point you get to engage in social relationships with other people (outside of your family and relatives) first in kindergarten, then in school. Then you get surrounded by another set of lies:
– The personal views and understanding of your teachers/educators who themselves have a set of issues which more or less affect the relationship with their students and what students learn from them.
– The lies the other kids/classmates have learned and which they now apply in their relationships with everyone else including you.

As you grow up you are being confronted with all kind of lies from all directions:
– Your parents and relatives including expectations and what kind of person you should be, how you should behave, what to study, what professional career to pursue, etc.
– The society around you and expected social behavior
– The media – news, movies, music, the Internet and all kind of manipulation and social engineering used by contemporary governments and corporations

Unless you have some strong and sensible understanding of life given to you by your parents/relatives during early childhood you will most likely start to believe these new lies more or less or disprove some truths because of the lies you already know and believe in.

Ultimately you may be unable to engage in proper relationships and social behavior because you have been lied to and/or treated poorly during the early part of your life even if you do not realize it. Then you have two options:
– If you are an aggressive person you start to apply aggregation towards others. If you parent(s) beats you regularly you may not fight back because you are too scared from them you may become aggressive towards your classmates, friends, random people, etc. Depending on your personality and the type of abuse you have been exposed to as a child you may pursue career and become an abusive boss/employer (remember “Profit” TV series – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115323/). Or become an abuse parent and treat your children the same way.
– If you are a kind, non-aggressive person you may fall into depression.

I do not say aggressive people are bad, however, because of the way they have been treated they can become really bad people. An extreme example is Richard Kuklinski “The Iceman” whose parents were extremely violent and as a result he lost all notion of the value of other’s people life. He was capable of killing random people on the street who he have never met before. On one occasion he shot a person in the head with a crossbow just to test how effective is the crossbow for killing someone. Still – even he was not entirely bad – he cared for his wife and children as if they are the most important thing in his life.

So – if you are depressed then you are too kind a person to respond to the seemingly “cruel” world around you in any other way (e.g. being violent).

Is there a solution? There is – you need to remove all the lies from your life or at least most of them. Stop trying to live (or trying not to live) according to other peoples expectations and expected social behavior. The reason for your depression is that deep inside you you feel that what you do or what you believe you should do (according to what you have been taught) is not what you want. However, being surrounded by lies all your life you have lost connection with yourself and somehow you cannot realize who you really are and want you really want to do. The depression is a result of your inner struggle against the life you are leaving or are expected to live compared to the life you actually want to live.

To be continued in part 2.

Declaimer: I’m by no means a psychologist or a person with experience/education in this field. What I have stated above is based on my personal understanding and experience. I only hope the above can help you understand your own issues or realize something about yourself.

P.S. I realize this post is lacking and is somewhat biased towards negative experience. Parents/relative/friends/random people can teach you truths and good things. However, it is the lies that and believing in them that make you life miserable. In addition lies that you believe in can cause you to disprove of truths and reject positive experience when others are trying to reach out to you later in your life. This is why it is important to realize these lies and remove them from your life.