I’m 44, healthy, good job, not depressed; and ready to die.

I guess that I write this for others so that they know suicide can be a rational choice, not simply an emotional over reaction.

As the title says I am actually healthy, in fact surprisingly so given my age and I’m a few stone overweight. Bit like Kevin James.

My job is ideal, in that I’m constantly top of my team despite basically turning up and just doing what I do. My managers all like me, as do the staff. I was given a permanent contract early into probation, and 8 months in they hint of promotion. A decent paying and easy government job.

I have a good circle of friends though by nature a loner, but still hit the town every couple of weeks, and can have a night of pool, cinema or beer easily with just a quick text.

No partner or kids, by choice. Never been very interested in sex though had my share in the past. Even been proposed to once.

Not all perfect- in fact just now summarises my main flaw. At work a very attractive, much younger girl showed interest in me but having had a bad similar experience recently I ignored her. Created an odd tension. Last week I sat next to her for a few days and couldn’t seem to initiate conversation. Finally on Friday afternoon we started talking and really got on well, sharing similar tastes. People thought we were hosting a mini comic-con we were so animated. However now I’ve moved back things have felt slightly awkward again.

I just bring this up because my one major flaw in life has been relationships. Like above they never flow smoothly and it’s always awkward. Maybe because I don’t really crave relationships. I don’t know. It’s definitely my weakest point.

Anyway for months I have wanted to get out on top – I’ve wanted to die for some time but getting this job was also a way of saying screw you to the last place where I was unfairly dismissed. Many people were delighted I fought back and triumphed so for me it was a win-win all over.

But I feel things are the best they will ever be and this is a good time. My limited family is now in the military and doing well. Also quite unemotional so won’t be devastated. I have no parents since losing my Mother and no kids so no dependencies. I have no interest in relationships recently despite having passes made at me quite a few times this year.

I love my home and will pass peacefully in bed. Finally found a reliable supplier of that ‘Magic Bullet’  N. Two bottles plus other pills. Took a while as I was nearly fooled by an ‘American’  supplier whose Western Union address was in Cameroon. Then, Boom, at my lowest it appeared.

As you can see I have planned this well, and studied minimum doses etc and accelerants so there will be no mistakes. I want peace and no mess for others. I plan to take time off work to say my goodbyes to friends (though not telling them) and will leave letters for work, family and others so they know they had no part in this: this is of my own free will and choosing.

I don’t believe in any Afterlife as we would understand it. I hope it’s nothingness and I think I’m right.

That’s it- I put this out there so others can know you don’t have to be depressed or in pain to make this choice. It can be entirely rational. Your Life is your own to do with as you will( I recommend the play ‘Night Mother for this) and as long as you can go peacefully at your own choosing it’s fine.

You can say it’s selfish, but simply to continue existing for the benefit of others is maybe the most selfish request of all.

I WISH YOU ALL PEACE AND HAPPY REST.

PAX!