I’ve wanted my life to end before. I’ve thought of ways I can do it that would have the least amount of impact on the people around me. My family would get over it. Relationships are hard for me so I don’t have any really close friends to worry about. I’ve tried counseling and I’ve taken medication. I’ve reached out to people when I’ve needed help. But you can only reach out to people so many times before you start bringing them down. That’s when they leave you. I’ve worked SO hard to hide this side of me from my boyfriend of two years. There have been times I have told him that I make myself throw up after I eat and that I just need him to be there to comfort me sometimes when I’m dealing with my anxiety but he has never once reached out to me to try and help. So I try even harder to hide it from him. To be just another person in the pews at church, just another person filling my car with gas, just another person smiling and have a great time with my co-workers. I’ve gotten pretty well at hiding it from just about everyone. I practically draw a smiling face on a paper bag and put it over my head as I walk out my door every morning.
My boyfriend of two years and I started in an unconventional way. A one night stand later turned into two years of a unstable and rocky relationship. The one thing that gives me an ounce of hope to is trying to picture my future. Including getting married. He is a devout Christian, and I have been too, but we can’t seem to have the Christian like relationship we want to have and to just behave if you know what I mean. That act of misbehaving together makes me fill so loved because he never expresses his feelings for me with words. So the misbehaving piece tends to fill the void. But of course, to him, afterwards it changes how he perceives me. I mean, why could he ever marry someone who claims to be a Christian yet has to beg for forgiveness from God for giving into her physical desires that make me feel loved. I thought we were passed this and that we were on the right track until he broke my heart and after weeks of asking me what colors I wanted the wedding to be, what season I wanted to get married and those sorts of things, he changed his mind. I messed up again in the need to feel loved and he can only look at me with shame. Yes, I realize it takes two to tango and that he is just as much to blame, but I still love them even though he isn’t perfect. I just wish he didn’t take that for granted.
I’m so tired of trying to build relationships that just fall apart. I’m so tired of having to put a happy face on for people. I’m so tired of asking for help. I just want it all to end. As guilty as I feel for even writing this post but I’m at the end of my rope and feel hopeless. I’ve prayed so many times but I always end up right back here. In a deep, dark hole that I can’t escape. The only way that I feel like I can escape is to simply let go…..
6 comments
foreverlostandlonley, i can relate to you so much right now. my boyfriend an i have only been together 10 months, but what was once a supportive relationship turned into me hiding my feelings. he claims its hard on him but sometimes we just need someone you know? i know how exhausting it is to try and be happy and fake all this positive energy. its not worth putting all our effort into relationships that fall apart. it isnt. sometimes i think i would be better off alone but then i realise it would probably make things worse. just know youre not alone.
I agree, atleast with the title of your post.
I don’t think love exists, I don’t understand emotions the same way most people do
I’m no relationship guru, but I think you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner (or whomever you date).
You shouldn’t need to force yourself to put on a happy face and pretend that nothing is wrong to make other people’s lives “easier”. You should be able to talk to someone, vent to someone, about all the insane shit you go through (whether it’s mental or otherwise). A person who loves you, will honestly try to help you from the bottom of their hearts. Even if they suck with advice (like I do), they make a genuine attempt at trying to at least listen to you and help you however they can. They try their hardest to be patient with you and put up with your flaws, as you put up with theirs, and in return, the both of you are stronger because of it. I think that’s how a successful relationship should work…
It’s never easy, but I feel it’s a necessary thing for a proper relationship. Build up trust with one another slowly and go from there..
Of course, this is all just my opinion.. Hopefully this helps you to some degree.
Lmao comment is in moderation because of the word att3mpt XD
I’m no relationship guru, but I think you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner (or whomever you date).
You shouldn’t need to force yourself to put on a happy face and pretend that nothing is wrong to make other people’s lives “easier”. You should be able to talk to someone, vent to someone, about all the insane shit you go through (whether it’s mental or otherwise). A person who loves you, will honestly try to help you from the bottom of their hearts. Even if they suck with advice (like I do), they make a genuine att3mpt at trying to at least listen to you and help you however they can. They try their hardest to be patient with you and put up with your flaws, as you put up with theirs, and in return, the both of you are stronger because of it. I think that’s how a successful relationship should work…
It’s never easy, but I feel it’s a necessary thing for a proper relationship. Build up trust with one another slowly and go from there..
Of course, this is all just my opinion.. Hopefully this helps you to some degree
I’m no relationship guru, but I think you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner (or whomever you date).
You shouldn’t need to force yourself to put on a happy face and pretend that nothing is wrong to make other people’s lives “easier”. You should be able to talk to someone, vent to someone, about all the insane shit you go through (whether it’s mental or otherwise). A person who loves you, will honestly try to help you from the bottom of their hearts. Even if they suck with advice (like I do), they do their best at trying to at least listen to you and help you however they can. They try their hardest to be patient with you and put up with your flaws, as you put up with theirs, and in return, the both of you are stronger because of it. I think that’s how a successful relationship should work…
It’s never easy, but I feel it’s a necessary thing for a proper relationship. Build up trust with one another slowly and go from there..
Of course, this is all just my opinion.. Hopefully this helps you to some degre
I’m no relationship guru, but I think you need to be honest with yourself and with your p@rtner (or whomever you date).
You shouldn’t need to force yourself to put on a happy face and pretend that nothing is wrong to make other people’s lives “easier”. You should be able to talk to someone, vent to someone, about all the insane shit you go through (whether it’s mental or otherwise). A person who loves you, will honestly try to help you from the bottom of their hearts. Even if they suck with advice (like I do), they make a genuine att3mpt at trying to at least listen to you and help you however they can. They try their hardest to be patient with you and put up with your flaws, as you put up with theirs, and in return, the both of you are stronger because of it. I think that’s how a successful relationship should work…
It’s never easy, but I feel it’s a necessary thing for a proper relationship. Build up trust with one another slowly and go from there..
Of course, this is all just my opinion.. Hopefully this helps you to some degree.