First post. Sorry if it’s long and rambly, I’m bad at articulating my thoughts.
My affairs are in order and the plan is all ready lock, stock, and barrel. I’m going to commit sometime before the summer is out.
Y’know how ( at least with most people I hear) there’s that instinctual part of you that doesn’t want to die. That voice telling you to hold on. I have that voice in my head. I also have its opposite. Constantly calling me to the edge. Saying committing is a good idea. I think of it daily. Each day is a decision not to.
My mood sure fluctuates a hell of a lot. I can go from feeling great to wanting to kill myself because I’m so sad or lonely and back to feeling great within a day. It’ll even change like that regardless of anything tangible actually happening. Other times I’ll feel great or like complete shit for weeks on end.
This feels whiny, but god damn am I fucking bored and I’m not allowed to have any real control over my life to alleviate that because of the age I’m at. Growing out of this feels too long and far away to wait for.
I’m surrounded by good, caring people but I feel as if there’s a wall there between me and them. One that can’t be broken down. I don’t really feel like I have a strong connection with anyone. I’m bad at connecting with people. I feel alone. I am excruciatingly lonely.
I know that life is up and down, ebb and flow, if you can just keep going things go back up but I’ve accepted that I’ll eventually hit a low from which there will be no return.
I wish I could be admitted into a psych facility. Been there before for a more half-hearted attempt. I hate medication, counsellors, doctors, and social workers but being with fellow patients is fun. And they truly get it. The whole experience is certainly not boring or mundane which I’ve come to hate about my daily life. More than anything I’d just like the decision to be out of my hands for awhile. So I don’t have to decide not to commit everyday.
Sadly, that’s not a possibility. I’d hate to cost my family money and make them worry. I’d hate for everyone to start seeing me as depressed again. They’ve finally gotten over it. I don’t want people constantly asking me if I’m okay. Freaking out even if I’m just in a normal bad mood or feeling especially quiet that day. I don’t want to be intrusively and embarrassingly checked for cuts. I don’t want to be forced into counseling and taking meds. Plus, they’d take away my preferred method and I’d never be able to get that one back again. So talking to anybody truthfully or getting any help other than anonymously is off the table.
I feel guilty and am sorry for the pain I will cause but everyone will get through it just fine after awhile. I don’t matter that much. I’ll just be some faded photographs and old stories eventually.
Man, if there was a way to quietly slip out of existence with no one even knowing I ever existed I would take it in a heartbeat.
4 comments
Not being able to connect is a real issue, and it’s effects are devastating. We need connection. Life’s ebbs and flows are why – we serve as flotation devices in the days of drowning, but only if we can connect. I can relate to this.
It sounds as though you’re pretty set on this. Not knowing your entire story, I can only say welcome first, and I hope you are at peace with this important decision. I think you, and all of us, would find that to someone, somewhere, we do genuinely matter, but it’s the inability to recognize our own self worth that plays a part in our end decisions.
I like the amount of thought you’ve put into this.
From what I’ve read, most of what you say is very common for depression. Feeling alienated. Worrying about being a burden on others. Feeling trapped. Mood swings.
I just want to say I’ve known some people who committed suicide. Neither was a close friend, but it does affect you. I think they would probably have been surprised by how much it affected others.
I even remember my art teacher in high school being a bit out of it one day because one of her former students, who had a younger sibling at the school, had hanged himself. It was a big school with several thousand pupils, and I didn’t know the guy, but hell, it affected me too when she told us that.
It’s desperately sad to think of someone being so lonely and disspirited that they end their own life. Because I think most of us would want to reach out and give that person a hug and tell them it’s gonna be okay, and try to help them.
I think one thing you can do if you’re suicidal is to make it as easy as possible for others to help you. I’ve just noticed that people I know who I consider successful, happy, popular, are usually very good at communicating clearly, of admitting their vulnerability, their humanity.
They are good at asking for help. E.g. one guy I studied with at one point would ask several questions every lecture, but it wasn’t a pain in the ass, because you sensed he was honestly trying to understand something and wasn’t embarrassed about asking. He wasn’t just someone who liked the sound of his own voice or wanted to show off, he wanted to learn. There were hundreds of people at those lectures, and I bet a lot of people had things they wanted to clear up, but he was one of the few people who dared to ask.
Another guy I know is quite successful in music, with the opposite sex, and in inventing products and bringing them to the marketplace. He’s also quick to ask for help on social media, to rope people in, so to speak. Maybe that’s not your problem, but me, I’m very guarded, trying to go it alone, etc., and I kinda think it’s a dead end.
Sounds like you’re just lonely and not set on the idea, seems like you are too young to know if you want to commit or not. Find a group to join, and do fun activities without being barred in a psych ward like a lion in a cage, if that is what you enjoyed. There are coffee shops, parks, meadows, shopping malls, libraries, museums, places you can go and play or talk or anything you want to do really. The people you met there you could find more of if you look in the right places. People in psych wards are not the only people with experience of being lonely. And there are wonderful people you could meet without medical bills who can show you a wonderful time. Try to occupy yourself with activities and not dwell on the On/off switch.
Take it a day at a time. I’ve been dying for years now.