I feel like I’m drifting through the days. Feeling waves rock me back forth, occasionally slamming me against rocks. At least its consistent. I can’t do anything without tearing up. Everything in my life is falling apart and I’m afraid to drag people down with me.
I sell harm relapsed. I haven’t told anyone in real life. It has been a week and I have cut myself 3 times. I don’t know whether I’m angry at myself for being so damn weak or if I’m angry at the world for making me want to hurt myself. I was doing so well. I can feel myself falling apart and there is so much I could do to attempt to pull my life together, but I’m not doing anything. I’m sitting here watching myself fall apart, watching the walls around me crumble. I’m slipping further into my relapse and I need a self care day, but I don’t have time for it. So I keep going, pretending to be fine, I’m okay I swear. But as soon as I’m alone I break and sobs wash over me. I don’t even know why I’m crying.
Theres this boy. I used to like his best friend but I think I am falling for him. His name is Sam and theres nothing special about him. He really isn’t that cute, but for some reason I think he’s gorgeous. I went to this party and hid in the corner because my anxiety got so bad. Sam came over and talked to me in the corner. He didn’t try to make me talk to people, he just kept me company. I feel like such a burden because he would’ve had such a fun time at the party if it weren’t for me. I told him he didn’t have to stand in the corner with me. I don’t know why he did it anyway.
2 comments
I’m so sorry that you feel horrible, but please try to refrain yourself from the relapse. I’ve been there; cutting is one of the worst thing you could do to yourself since cutting is physical, it actually leaves visible scars. I hope Sam could help you get out from this difficult situation. From my point of view, Sam seems to take a liking to you. Frankly, if you truly care about each other, you shouldn’t be too worried about “failing” him. Just like he did, keeping company may be just enough for both of you. Even without constant companionship, I really wish you could find something worthy enough to save yourself in your life. Good luck.
I think it’s amazing, that you’re showing hope. Know why.? You say, you can do things to make it better. Me.? I know there’s nothing to be done in my situation. So please try for all of us. (This sounds like a command, but I didn’t mean it like that) No time for it.? That’s terrible how work and responsibilities make us suffer. I hope there is a way, that you can make free time. You deserve it.! And don’t feel bad, that Sam didn’t enjoy the party. He made this choice, you didn’t make him talk to you. Maybe he even enjoyed it more with you, than with anyone else. I hope it all works in your favour.