I hate my mind and my body

I feel this way all thr damn time! I’m sicken tired of having to use the booze to calm down. I’m so damn scared all the time. I don’t think i can ever heal. The pills don’t fucking work! I need the harder stuff thats actually legal like Xanax. My situation is so bad because I get all tense and people think I’m pissed at the world due to my facial muscles. When I’m super nervous my face gets tense too and so i end up looking like im mad….but im not. I hate my body for this but if my mind could simply stop thinking stupid things all the damn time then this wouldn’t even be an issue. My mind just wont shut the fuck up. I’m paranoid all the time unless I drink alcohol. The pills they gave me only worked once and after that it seemed like my body became immune to its effects. I feel like I have the worst biological make up on this planet. Whats the point of living if I can’t even interact with other humans or if I make people uncomfortable! Life is a *****! I’m a bad apple. I’ll never be good enough for this world because I’m such a fucking *****. I hate myself.