increasingly paranoid

my nightmares have gotten worse.  my fear of being asleep is debilitating.  it’s getting harder and harder to remind myself that i’m being excessively paranoid about things that are “unlikely” or some shit.  i’m convinced that i’m constantly in danger.  i don’t like being asleep because it means i can’t defend myself or my family.  i don’t like not being in control of my surroundings.  i want barbed wire on the fence.  i want a taser.  i want a full, realtime security system where there’s a security agent constantly watching the cameras and who will call 911 when something is happening.  i want to be so intimidating that nobody would even fantasize about hurting me or my loved ones.  i feel like i’m losing my fucking mind.  i’m so tired of screaming in my sleep.  i’m so tired of quadruple checking the locks on every fucking door.  i’m tired of closing my curtains as much as possible so that nobody could possibly locate where i am in my room because im convinced that someone would peer through my window and shoot me in the head.  i’ve been constantly knocking on wood because i don’t wanna know if it’s real or not.  if it works then i wanna do it.  im not even a superstitious person but here i am knocking on wood every time i even THINK about these horrible situations that play out in my head.