I’ve wasted my life. And I’m too old to fix it. I’m sure there’s plenty I can do to improve things, but I’m never going to catch up on all those years of relationships and formative life experiences. And I see that more clearly on the rare occasions I’m actually around people. Which makes me not want to be around people. But I need to be around people in order to improve my life. And so the cycle continues.
It’s so hard to accept – being socially non-existent. Having nothing to say for yourself. I just sit there and wait for the ground to swallow me. Being OK with being so alone and socially worthless – it often feels impossible.
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This story is pertinent, at least I think:
Last night I got really high, and watched the Albert Finney 1970 version of Scrooge. Lot of emotions there, but I ended up getting off on a nerdy tangent explaining that the major difference between Scrooge (1970) and Oliver!(1968) is the set building. See, Oliver was something of a masterpiece in that area, the sets for that movie occupied most of the studio backlot, and had to be filled with thousands of extras.
And suddenly, I saw that passion that I’ve been looking for, and it was specifically directed at set building. I told my wife about it, and she told me;
There was this old lady, and she got into her first movie at the age of 68. The moral of that is that it is never too late. Of course I have no earthly idea how to move towards set building as a career, but maybe she’s right, maybe it is never too late.
That’s still my solution to the problem of not fitting, adapting into a career where being like I am is acceptable. I still think musician is the best choice, you can be a real piece of work but if you can play an instrument beautifully…. people will admire you. Isn’t that the real craving, not to be around others, but for their validation?
IDK, it’s Christmas Eve and instead of being with my family I’m playing video games and watching Criminal Minds…. so maybe I’m not the authority on anything. The point, I guess, is that I can relate.
OH! I forgot to mention my favorite difference in those two movies. Oliver has a big musical number that is obviously the show stopper, called “consider yourself” which is about friendship and belonging.
Where Scrooge has a show stopper, “Thank You Very Much” and it’s all about being happy someone is dead! What a lovely morbid Christmas moment!
IDK, seemed fun to me.
A Christmas Carol is a story I think about a lot at this time of year. While I agree that it’s never too late to make adjustments to your course, some things you really do miss out on permanently. For example, if that 68-year-old was an actor, she was never going to be a Hollywood starlet, or play the leading role, or probably win an award. Ebenezer Scrooge may have ended the story being worthy of friendship and being cared for, but he was never going to raise a family of his own. He left it too late for that.
I think a lot of careers are relatively easy to adapt into, as long as you’re still cognitively sharp enough to learn (I think if you left it till your 70s or 80s you might struggle.) There’s obvious exceptions like performance athletes, but if you find a passion for something I think you can go a long way.
Social stuff is more difficult – there’s a lot of formative experiences people go through in their teens and 20s that it’s very difficult to catch up on when you’re older, because your peers are in a completely different life stage. You effectively get left behind, stranded. It’s hard to feel OK with that. I think I want both to be around people and to be admired (or at least not humiliated.)
I’m spending Christmas with my parents and my sister’s family. I’m trying so hard to enjoy and appreciate their company. But when the conversation turns to all the relatives and friends who’ve got married or had children, or all the past social events that I missed out on, all I can think about is how I’ve wasted my life. And I feel incredibly alone, and isolated, and wish I was on my own playing video games.