I’m not any better. I don’t know what I am anymore, other than exhausted in every way possible. And a pathetic little child. I need to realize I was probably a burden on my parents from what little I can remember, and that I’m no better now, for anyone. I’ve always been a selfish horrible pathetic little brat, havent I? I just couldn’t listen, I just needed to be talked to even though everyone was going through a hard time. All because I felt alone. I don’t know why I dont just end it now. I’m no better now. I keep my mouth shut for a little while and then, the selfish brat I am feels the need to whine to whoever cares enough to listen – my partner mainly. Because I just feel so horrible. It consumes my fucking head. I’m constantly at war with myself. But if I was a bad child like I’m beginning to believe I was, then I probably deserve it. I still feel like a child. A stupid one. I wasnt very bright, I couldnt understand certain instructions. My family just needed me to pull myself together and actually be helpful, but I never was. I’ve failed them all my life. I deserve everything they said or did to me. I’m such a stupid person. I used to imagine myself, while daydreaming for hours on end, like a sort of hero. I would help everyone I love, I’d always know the right thing to say or do, I’d make everything better. It’s funny, because I’m the exact opposite of these things. Most of the time, anyway. I reach for this person I’ve created in my head, but to no avail. I’m just a stupid little child. I never grew up, and times ticking. Soon I’ll have to get out there and face everything head on. I don’t think I can do it. I’m too cowardly, too dumb, too not mentally stable enough. My heads so overactive. I cant make it stop. I draw, I play video games, I listen to music as loud as I can for hours on end, it does nothing. Everything is still there. Everything still hurts. It doesnt ever end. I’m just in pain. I hate the world, I hate myself. I’m terrified the people I love and care about hate me and want nothing to do with me. I’m scared I make my partner wanna fucking die. They always deny such things, and I should just- believe them. But I cant believe anyone. I’m just terrified. I never meant to hurt anyone, not truly. I hope they tell the truth when they say I dont – going for anyone here. I hate when people look at me, at school it’s been bad. I cant talk to anyone, or look at anyone, or do anything. I had to take a picture for a senior thing today, and I couldnt talk to the girl who was taking it to save my life. I needed to be more helpful but I couldnt even get a sentence out. I look so fucking disgusting today – I havent showered in over a fucking week. It was awkward, I was gross, I think she could see how gross I was in that moment. I had to look into that camera lens… I had to see myself when she was done. I cant stand it. How do people look at me? I dont understand. I cant ever wrap my head around my partner thinking I’m something more than a pile of rot. They deserve better than me. My family deserves better. The world doesnt need anymore people like me around. I’m a fucking moron. I wish my head would stop. I wish this pain would stop. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up out of this mental nightmare my horrible god forsaken mind has created for itself, no matter how deserved it may be I cant take it anymore.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
hey, hey, hey. Slow down. I might be misreading the formatting, but it sounds like you’re spiraling and having racing thoughts, and one makes the other worse. Breath for a minute, focus on what it feels like as the air comes in, then goes out. Good!
You spent the majority of your space/time talking about how worthless you believe you are. The thing though; you wouldn’t need to talk yourself into it so hard if your opinion was really that low. That not being able to take it anymore, that’s self preservation kicking in, and you’re fighting with it (understandably).
Now that we are on more solid ground, so to speak, let’s talk about outcome. You’ve got a lot going on, but what matters is where is it going? It sounds like a lot of people care about you and would be devastated if you got hurt. Which means that death is on the face of it an outcome that wouldn’t serve all your desires. It would be a halt of your pain, but you wouldn’t be around to appreciate the peace.
IDK, it’s what keeps me alive most days; thinking about those I care about seeing my dead body. Thinking about how that would feel to them…. I can’t stand to hurt them like that, and it appears you’re in a similar situation.
If prior coping techniques aren’t working, then stop them. It’s counter intuitive, we’re taught to “do something”, but sometimes you need the opposite. You need to sit, and wait to want something. You’ll probably have some negative thoughts and emotions pop back up, and that’s okay. Tell yourself it’s okay to wait, then when you get an idea go with it.
there isn’t a magic fix, snap your fingers and it’s better. I wish there was. It took you time to get to where you are, it’ll take time to dig out.
you’re doing your best under the circumstances. Take comfort there, because no one can expect anything more of you realistically. If you let them down today, you’re working on it, and that’s all there is to do about it.
sometimes it’s okay to focus on you. It’s okay to tend your own pain. It may be labeled as “selfish”, but you’re the only you you’ve got (not sure if that’s too weird a sentence or not). You can’t help others if you’re too busy dealing with stuff that you put off dealing with in your life.
I sense I’m nattering on as usual…. but that’s me doing my best, under the circumstances.
Yeah, my heads been all over the face the past few days, I hope it wasnt unbearable to read, or anything. I’m trying to breathe, it feels like such an effort.
I don’t know how/if I can believe I’m anything but horrible or “worthless” or whatever new thing I come up with, haha. I have nothing to combat ‘negative’ thoughts like the therapists always say to do, if that makes sense. Anything positive I get is outside validation, and isnt that not good to base stuff about yourself on?… I don’t know.
The people I have around, yes, I suppose, would probably care to a point or be affected in some way, but it’s hard to believe most of the time. They really dont give much indication that they would now, and the majority of my family is very difficult to talk to. Obviously I’ve mentioned my partner multiple times, and they’ve saved me countless times. They’re really the only one to say such good things about me – in any regard, like my art for instance. I’m very lucky to have them in my life. They’re the best..
I have a young sister, 9 in march, so… yeah. I wouldnt want her to see me dead… Of course my close family members, my friend and partner too. I guess realistically it would hurt. I guess I just struggle to understand that they care or even want to care, if that makes any sense.
I try to do things to avert my focus from things like this… but I guess like you said I just have to let it be there, I guess. It hurts though, and it pushes me close to trying to end it. Or sometimes I just cry, and then I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like it’s a bad thing to let myself think about things like this or think about myself, maybe being taught that it’s basically throwing my own pity party kinda turned me away from it. But I dont know.
Sorry for the long reply, I try to reach everything a person says, even though I’m bad at wording things sometimes. I’ve taken things you’ve said into account before, though, and it means a lot that you care enough to bother saying something. So…. yeah. I guess the best is all a person can do, even if it’s not very good most days..