I just feel like I’m drowning. I’m so numb. I’m so tired of everything. Most of all, I’m tired of myself. I yearn for escape of any kind. Release. An end to all of this chaos, that never leaves my mind. The chaos of this world in general. The chaos that is myself. I’m exhausted. I’m mentally and emotionally just… drained. I’ve been drained for months. I don’t think it will ever end. I think I will constantly be in this drained state, even IF (a big if) I get around to getting my life actually, ya know, started… but that’s just the way of the world – that’s how everyone is now. And that’s how I am. A never-ending cycle. We’re all drowning in the abyss, including myself. I’m sure most of it’s my fault anyway. Sometimes, I still wish to be worthy of love – like when I’m around my sisters, or other family… I was supposed to be a good example for my sisters – I’m the oldest, after all. To show them success, to show them what a good person’s supposed to be… but, I’m broken. Broken and shattered into bits, and I don’t think I can… be fixed. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, exactly, but I know it’s something, or I would’ve gotten my shit together by now. Surely…
Anyhow. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve drawn a thing, and while it doesn’t matter, in the grand scheme of things… at least it’s something. More for myself than anything, really, but it’s there. I listened to Bell Witch while drawing it. I like that band.
3 comments
That’s a nice piece. I like the texture the creature has.
I’m sorry. About all of it. There’s no good way out of it besides the usual suspects. Therapy, meds. Even then they aren’t guaranteed to work. Living with it is never going to be easy. Sometimes it takes a small push and sinetimes it takes everything you got to keep your head above water. I hope whatever it is you need, you find.
I don’t think you need to put that on yourself. The weight of being a role model for your sisters. I’m sure they look up to you, but you should also look out for yourself and your health. I’m sure they will understand.
Hope things get better.
Thank you for posting this. I relate a lot to it, and it is nice to know I am not alone. Hope things get better for you.
I really like your picture! Good use of negative space to create flow, your cross hatching has a clear gradient, interesting use of stipling for the bulbous objects underneath the figure. To me, it has very pensive sort of feel to it, the contemplation in the aftermath of something. It fits your post!
You are a talented artist, and I encourage you to keep at it while you’re still around with us and alive.