It’s funny the things we can survive. There are things that literally seem like they could kill us, but here we are. It’s amazing the amount of pressure the human mind can take.
And sometimes the mind breaks. It can’t handle all the pressure to be perfect, the demand to conform.
I’m pretty. I have beautiful long dark chocolate brown hair and mysterious denim blue eyes that can take anyone’s breath away. I’m not obnoxious or timid; I catch you off guard with my sarcasm and wit.
I’m all of what society says I should be except for one thing- I’m fat. And I’m not talking 10 pounds over weight, nor am I talking 200 pounds over weight. I weigh more than I look, which I guess is better than the other way around. But I’m not acceptable. I’m fat. Disgusting. Pathetic.
And I can’t blame society for the way I feel. Yeah, being fat is the most frowned upon entity anyone can be, but in the end it’s my fault for letting my own mind diminish myself confidence, myself respect.
There’s actually more to it. I’m depressed for other reasons as well, my weight just bugs me the most because it’s the one thing I can’t hide from people.
I hate myself. And who wouldn’t? Nobody wants to be fat. No one wants to be looked at like they’re the most disgusting thing on the planet.
I read about a study once where voters said they would rather sleep with someone who has AIDS than get to know a fat person. Tell me that wouldn’t make you feel like shit?
And I know what you’re thinking- why don’t I just grow the fuck up and lose the weight? Stop pigging out on junk food and get a life?
If it were that easy do you really think I would still be fat? I eat healthy, work out- God just decided to “bless” me with shitty metabolism.
I just can’t stop hating myself!! No matter what I try. It is so unbelievably frustrating to hate yourself. To be the one thing keeping me from happiness. I’m my own worse enemy. Every day I destroy myself inside. I can’t even look in the mirror anymore because I am so disgusting.
My life is self-hatred. That’s all it’s been for the last six years of my life. That’s one-third of my existence. I don’t even remember what it feels like to be happy anymore.
It’s amazing the way people disrespect you when you’re fat. It’s like I’m less of a human being. And maybe I am? I don’t deserve to be alive anymore. I’m disgusting.
I’m tired of wishing I were skinny, tired of trying to fit this perfect image the world has engraved in my mind. But most of all I’m tired of hating myself.
I’m tired of waking up every morning and wondering why I’m still alive, I don’t deserve to be alive any more. But do I deserve to look like this, to feel like this?
I just want to give up; I want the pain to end. I want someone to come swooping in and tell me it’s ok that I look disgusting. I just want to feel accepted, needed, wanted.
I’m tired of being pathetic.
Self-hatred is destroying me. I AM destroying me.
Each and every day I kill a little bit of myself inside and I have no idea how to stop it. Sometimes I don’t even want to stop it. Depression is becoming my comfort blanket. It’s a nice excuse to myself for how pathetic I am.
20 comments
Just eat one meal a day. No more than 400cal’s. And exercise. You will lose the weight. If you feel hungy chew sugarfree gum. And drink alot of water. Go to a gym.
And keep it up.
Smoking can help and coffee Too. You got to RE programme your body. Going to be hard but you can lose the weight.
So let me just start by saying that you made my day, literally. You know JUST a minute earlier, I thought I was the only one who felt this way, but thank god I went through this. Why should we feed the society? I mean, it just sucks how judgemental and shallow this world can be! I am fat aswell, my friend, trust me I am. Oh god the more I read your post the more I feel good ’cause you know what? You literally stole the words right out of my mouth! I can’t look at the mirror myself. Seriously, every single sentence you wrote .. I wanted to say these for SUCH a long time. I mean, I can’t even imagine to be loved since I don’t love myself .. and THIS thing bothers me the most – “you’re fat? work out go on a diet blah blah” SERIOUSLY? If it were that easy there wouldn’t have been any fat poeple on planet Earth really (referring to Dr dolittle’s comment here) I know, the people, the shallow fucked up people. They just don’t get it! Seriously. They don’t get that the lives of fat people are extremely hard, they just go all “slim down!” on us. Like we don’t fucking try? and yeah, they make us feel like a disgrace to this world .. how can people be so heartless? I feel disgusting and pathetic aswell. But I can’t rant about my weight. ‘Cause the people aorund you, judge you. If only they knew how fucking hard it actually is. Just like the comment above. WOW. (:
It feels as if we don’t have ANY fucking emotions. That they’re gonna keep on bullying us with their judgemental eyes and hurtful words.
don’t care about your look when, eat more vitamine C, you need more emotions to accelerate your metabolism, plus, not only look is everything, put your attention for what is interesting to you, forget your look and maybe it’ll automatically become better.
Whatelseisthere Did you read her post? It’s not society who is really judge in her. She is judge in her self. (no one really care’s if some one is big.) And if her weight is depressing her. She can Do some thing about it. 52 paperdoves your been in to hard on your self. Most people in the westin world are overweight. So what. If weight is your prob. Then lose it.
Whatelseisthere Did you read her post? It’s not society who is really judge in her. She is judge in her self. (no one really care’s if some one is big.) And if her weight is depressing her. She can Do some thing about it. 52 paperdoves your been in to hard on your self. Most people in the westin world are overweight. So what. If weight is your prob. Then lose it.
Don’t judge yourself so harshly. I LOVE bigger women and while it may seem like a minority it really isn’t. It wouldn’t matter if I loved you or anyone else did if you don’t love your self. But I won’t purport to know how to do that as I am also bigger and have self image issues. That and I have mentally checked out of life. Still the problem isn’t that you may be overweight. The problem is that YOU think there is a problem because you’re overweight. As far as that study the return rate of people who do heroin and crack once and then do it again is pretty high(pun intended). Doesn’t make those good ideas either.
Dr. Dolittle, I appreciate your words but trust me, practically EVERYONE cares if you are fat. And I guess you skipped over the part where I said I eat healthy and workout. I may be fat, but I am not an idiot, I know how to be healthy. That’s another thing, people automatically think I am unhealthy as soon as they look at me when in truth I eat and work out more and more healthy than 80% of the skinny people I know.
WhatElseIsThere, first off I’m sorry that you know what I’m going through! I hope it gets better for you! Secondly, I HATE that people think I don’t have feelings. Or when people ridicule me for my weight in order to “motivate” me to lose it. Fuck that. My problem is I now hate myself so much that even if I lose the weight I would probably just find another thing to ruin myself over. And sometimes I think I can’t lose the weight because I am so depressed. What a vicious circle… I hate myself because I’m fat- I’m fat because I can’t lose weight- I can’t lose weight because I’m depressed- I’m depressed because I hate myself.
@52 have you ever thought of counseling? Its seems you even recognize your issues are more mental than physical.
52paperdove EVERONE cares? you care that’s for sure. Ok most boy’s will go for skinny girl’s Maybe. Some boy like Big cause you got big breast’s. And big bottom’s.
What’s your face like? If this is stoping you live your life. Then you got to do something about it. You eat healthy that’s good. (if you really got to lose weight) only eat once a day. Find a gym. (i’m fat people will laugh at me.) Bullshit. And a personal Trainer would love to work with you. If this Stopping you from been in happy do some thing about it.
Like i say most people dont really care about it. Ok people who hate you will go on about it cause they know it bug’s you.
Hey 52:) I suggest that you find the reason you got fat and face those problems first or when you lose the wieght you still would have fixed nothing. But, I am pretty good with fitness, nutrition, and supplements and such so I would be more then happy to help you through this! You said you eat healthy and workout but there’s always something else you could try.
Also that dr dolittle guy is an idiot. Horrible advice. Email me schwartzmolly2@gmail.com, it would distract me from my own problems.
I was browsing the net to see how to pull myself together as I was entirely facing the same kind of situation as yours. I can feel your pain. I started putting on weight when I hit the 40 due to inactivity and a really unhealthy lifetsyle. I smoke a lot too which I wasn’t proud of. The first step that we must really do is to raise our self-esteem. It is not easy but…we need to do it. We need to learn to love ourself again so we can move on and build ourself according to what we wish for. I’d been on a yo-yo diet for 2 straight years and failed miserably. Now I plan to rouse myself to join some pilates class and hoping I can start my goal from there. I wish you do the same too. Take everything in stride and you be good as well.
You’re suffering from a condition which is famously called ‘The fantasy of being thin’. Basically what I’m saying is this: when you loose weight,.it does not magically transform you into another person who is happy and content with life. To become happy and self – confident you have to work on your self-esteem EVERY day. Trust me, girl, building up confidence is often even harder than loosing pounds. stop with self-pity, work on your self-esteem every day, just the same way you visit gym etc.
@52paperdoves I clearly remember the first time I went on holiday to a place where I felt people didn’t have a problem with my weight. It is cultural. Some subcultures seem more cool about it too – like goths, hippies. Don’t know if that is your cup of tea but maybe explore those if you want to surround yourself with people who don’t bring you down. 🙂
Even though I’m a guy I totally understand you, this isn’t a life worth living. I have tried every fucking thing to lose weight. I don’t give a shit about health (like I want to be thin not because I don’t want diabetes or hypertension, I want to be thin to like myself…) I’ve always been fat, ever since I was a kid I was bullied the whole fucking time but I took it; I was the perfect target, straight-A student in elementary school, but that was never enough you know? my father contributed to this, if I did something wrong he would throw it to my face, building insecurity. Things got worse when I started 7th grade, I just couldn’t take it. My grades went down and i was fucking shy, to this day, I fucking hate my classmates and when they want to hold meetings I never show up and I NEVER WILL, you made my teen life a fucking living hell and now what? just because I know you I gotta like you? fuck them… anyway, when we grow up we think people just leave it behind; They don’t, they just don”t throw it straight to your face but when you turn around there they are, like you’re just waiting to be hunted and tagged, bashing your feelings, judging how you are fat because you are lazy.
Now I know what I should do to change and trust me I do it, I’m a doctor and… even though I have a successful career (I have a national award in Mexico) people just don’t give you a chance to talk to them. I’m not shy anymore, I’m not afraid to be funny, I’m smart, polite, nice, I sing, I play guitar, I have plenty of fucking talents but you know what? none of that matters when you are fat, they won’t even give you a fucking chance. I’ve only had a couple of real girlfriends and we didn’t even last long enough to love each other…And when I thought everything was lost I met a girl who shared all my interests, who called me her “soulmate”, who said she loves me…what she didn’t told me is she loved me “like a friend” how could she be so heartless? knowing how mentally fucked up I was she treats me like this? she makes me think she loves me and then she doesn’t? And guess why I could only be her friend… CAUSE I
I’ve been feeling like this and then I stumbled on your post, you are not alone, every day I wake up to live in a hell and here I am, taking it. Why? I don’t know but I’m still here
Even though I’m a guy I totally understand you, this isn’t a life worth living. I have tried every fucking thing to lose weight. I don’t give a shit about health (like I want to be thin not because I don’t want diabetes or hypertension, I want to be thin to like myself…) I’ve always been fat, ever since I was a kid I was bullied the whole fucking time but I took it; I was the perfect target, straight-A student in elementary school, but that was never enough you know? my father contributed to this, if I did something wrong he would throw it to my face, building insecurity. Things got worse when I started 7th grade, I just couldn’t take it. My grades went down and i was fucking shy, to this day, I fucking hate my classmates and when they want to hold meetings I never show up and I NEVER WILL, you made my teen life a fucking living hell and now what? just because I know you I gotta like you? fuck them… anyway, when we grow up we think people just leave it behind; They don’t, they just don”t throw it straight to your face but when you turn around there they are, like you’re just waiting to be hunted and tagged, bashing your feelings, judging how you are fat because you are lazy.
Now I know what I should do to change and trust me I do it, I’m a doctor and… even though I have a successful career (I have a national award in Mexico) people just don’t give you a chance to talk to them. I’m not shy anymore, I’m not afraid to be funny, I’m smart, polite, nice, I sing, I play guitar, I have plenty of fucking talents but you know what? none of that matters when you are fat, they won’t even give you a fucking chance. I’ve only had a couple of real girlfriends and we didn’t even last long enough to love each other…And when I thought everything was lost I met a girl who shared all my interests, who called me her “soulmate”, who said she loves me…what she didn’t told me is she loved me “like a friend” how could she be so heartless? knowing how mentally fucked up I was she treats me like this? she makes me think she loves me and then she doesn’t? And guess why I could only be her friend… CAUSE I WAS FUCKING FAT. That was the end for me, she fucking killed every hope that I had of feeling loved, if my so called soulmate couldn’t look above the fact that I was (and still am) fat, how is anybody else supposed to overlook my body mass and give me a chance?
It isn’t even about the sex (everybody thinks it’s only because of that) It’s about the need to be loved you know? We are humans too.
I go to strip clubs every now and then and everyone thinks I’m a loser and that I have sex with the strippers. I don’t, I just talk to them, that is my way of crying…
I read about a study once where voters said they would rather sleep with someone who has AIDS than get to know a fat person. Tell me that wouldn’t make you feel like shit?
It was my granddad that taught me about hatred.
I didn’t even know what it was until I reached about 28 years old. And he knew I was hatred free- but he had to drill in the gift of experiencing hatred- now I just want to kill everyone. I used to be pure- not innocent- just purish
its not that you’re fat that’s the problem, its peoples attitudes to being fat. its not having support and family- if you have those things you can beat anything, and ignore society.
I don’t care about being fat, I am a ittle bit fat now- well hardly, but I am. When I get fat, I have the sort of body structure an type that even when I’m fat I don’t look fat.
I’m getting fatter now, because I don’t care what people think. I literally have lost my family, and true support- so I have devalued in worth and as a person.
Howevr I understand, feeling like how I do now makes me think, that I would rather contract AID than be seen with a fat chick. Then again, I don’t know if that’s true. When I come to suicide forums I just think why would I listen to a fat person? In Real life non-fat and ‘normal’ women don’t interest me, which is paradoxical because women flirt with me like crazy If I am not giving them attention but they think I’m cool. That makes me dislike women even more.
I have loads of intelligence, a brilliant intellect, good understanding of philosophy, theology, critical thinking, psychology, religion etc etc etc. People can see my logic and like it. But its nothing without representation, advocacy, social recognition, favourable work image, family friendships, support and warm relations with siblings and parents.
even better is when your family is interested in those things. the wost is when you have a completely unsupportive family, full of bullies, who always trash you for knowing and liking things everyone else you could ever know gives you positive social interest validation praise and recognitions and value and worth for- but your family hates on you.
you realise you genes are the worst quality- and it having a warm family that is the most significant marker in having friends, close friends and future or prospective partners and integrating with society and other families.
so there are far worse things than being fat- so I hear you- your have all the normal things accept for you being fat, your a woman I’m a guy, you were like perfect inverse.
this is not a coincidence, we are both on this website.
the message is perhaps an evolutionary psychology one, don’t breed, and dont survive.
scientists found a link between the brain and the nervous system. It is well documented stress and depression punishes our bodies and reduces our immunity- Human Nature is a bully, and the only people evolving are those that exploit that mechanism for their own gain.
so looking at it cybernetically, which would be easy with community and social or human intervention and education of cybernetics, we would learn to beat prejudice. unfortunately the will to respect and honor can be manipulated by those who control the national and concocts the moral frameworks of a nation. and they exploit the mechanism- this flaw- in humanity and have done so for centuries. They have taken one minority race on planet earth- and exploit that mechanism to destroy other regions states and nations in the world to enslave them to ‘civilized’ tyranny and prejudice.
The problem is bigger than ourselves.
yet with every solution the bigger problem, and the manipulated tendencies in humans on the mass scale is integrated with government and civil administration, and so we are exploited under a system of media dissemination and market control of populations through resourse management- enforced slavery to ideals and the currency is the tool used to do that- the systems of control are destroying the human mind
without those things suicide is better than life.
I recently went to get a checkup at the doctor after a unrelated medical complication I had and I was on a weird medicine and it caused me to gain weight (still gaining weight, can’t lose it no matter what I do) and the doctor assused me of over eating without even asking me what I eat or anything or even asking what medicine I was on. But apparently to skinny people the only way you can be fat is over eating forget the fact they have you fill out a servey asking what you eat, I doubt she even looked at it. She made me get blood work and when everything came back fine she didn’t even say anything about her accusing me of over eating. It just makes me hate my body so much more that she didn’t even trust me and just assumed I over ate even though I told her the other medical problem I had