So I talked to my advisor. Turns out he won’t be gone all semester. Just all of September. It’s always such as strange conversation. It starts out so hopeful than you can tell he gets more and more disappointed as time goes on. I’m just glad it wasn’t in person. This weekend was a bust. Couldn’t muster the energy to wake up early and ended up waking up at 11. Been avoiding like I always do. It teeter totters back and forward to thinking it will be ok to thinking that there’s no way out. I can tell there’s going to be a big break, but I don’t know when it will happen. My advisor has this notion that I can get things done by mid October in time to submit to a conference. Which honestly is reasonable considering how little I actually have to do. But I’m a fuck up so of course it’s not going to happen. I can feel it. This is it. The one where it all ends. What annoys me the most is the few people in my life always say “It will work out. You always manage to pull through. Things will be fine.” On and on and on as if what they are saying is a irrefutable fact. I wonder what they’ll have to say when I flunk out.
I went to a concert on Thursday. One of my favorite bands since high school. Sprang for the VIP tickets since I got all that cash from my internship. Ended up missing the first day of class to go, but I bought the tickets in May and paid a lot of money for them. Besides all I missed was an attendance quiz (I think). The music was great. Funny thing is I can’t remember all of the songs they played, but a lot of vibes. One of the guitarists smashed his instrument on like the third to last song. The lead singer was on a knee scooter and was doing donuts on stage, spazing out on the thing. I remember them playing Telescope. It was nice. Of course there was some sad things about it. Seeing all the beautiful people having fun together with the people they came with. Made me feel alone like it always does. Every time I do something new like going to a concert or starting a new job or whatever, I always have these delusions that I’ll meet someone there. That some random happenstance would put me in front of someone. Anyone. But the thing is, I always keep to myself. Isolate myself. Headphones on eyes down. So naturally there’s no way I can meet someone like that. Meeting someone like that is already unlikely as it is.
I can feel time running out. For a lot of things. Career, Love, Friendship, Family. All of it just slipping away. I wonder if I’ll be driven into far enough a corner where I can make a clean break. I mean suicide is never a clean break, but you know what I mean. Enough desperation to take the headfirst jump.