I know what I have to do. I keep letting fear get the best of me but I’m done. I’ve hit my rock bottom, will there be another one in the future? I don’t intend on there being another one but life happens. Either way I’m gonna dust myself off and keep going.

I’m gonna start by doing those things that I find most difficult to do like giving up alcohol, reconnecting with my brothers, my mom, my dad, and my relatives. I’m gonna let the world see just how pathetic I am as I work on myself. I’m just gonna let pain have it’s day instead of suppressing it from now on. As a child I never used alcohol to cope with pain, I just felt it, processed it and moved on. Maybe I ought to give that a try again. That seems like a superpower to an alcoholic like me, if I can get that back, I know I’ll be okay.

I know I still can’t be around my dad because he’s quite a toxic man with deep seeded anger issues. I don’t like the way I feel after we talk. So I’ll still limit my interactions with him but I need him to know that I don’t hate him. He’s not perfect but that doesn’t mean he didn’t try. We may not agree on a lot of things but he’s still my dad, you only get one. And he did do a lot of terrible things but well……I don’t know. Maybe I can hold off on reconnecting with my dad. I’ll start with my mom and my siblings I guess. I don’t think they want anything to do with me anymore but lets see.

I got nothing to show for after 9 years of adulthood, if anything I’ve gone back a few steps from zero. I’m probably in the negatives but I don’t care, I’m still gonna get back out there. This isn’t living, so I’m gonna decide to live.