cold

I feel like I’m behind tinted glass – I can see everything out there. Life, the people around me day to day… but I can’t break the glass, and no one out there really sees me. It’s okay, I guess. Maybe it’s supposed to be this way. Maybe I’m just not meant to be out there because I’ve already messed up enough. But it’s lonely here. Lonely to a point I feel sick.

I don’t blame anyone but myself. I just… didn’t get to where I needed to be. And I keep fucking up, over and over again… just constantly in the way, a burden to merely be put up with- I imagine barely. So, I stay in here, in this room, all day, all night. At least as much as I can, because the moment I come out I’m just… in the way. Always in the way. I feel like no matter what I do, I’m messing up somehow. Like my very presence just… brings shit with it. Causes problems. I ask for as absolutely little as possible, as to maybe compensate in some way… it’s not enough. I know it’d be best if I just left, never came back, never burdened anyone with my shit again. What is there to miss, anyway? There’s nothing of substance to really love, I know that. I’m just… this. A mess, a mess I can’t even fix. I hate it. I broke myself beyond repair. Maybe I was always broken, I don’t know anymore.

But what is there to say that I’ve not said on here a million times? Repetitive nonsense that doesn’t even matter, taking up space that deserves to be given to someone else. Never me. I know that. I’ve always known that. And yet I come back spewing the same bullshit over and over again because I’m not good at expressing myself, I just know I’m getting worse. People think I’m fine- some think I’m doing better, and that’s a good thing. I don’t want them to worry anymore. I don’t want to be anyone’s problem anymore. I don’t want to be anything. I’m scared my friend’s tired of me, but I try to tell myself maybe she’s just busy with her new bf and she’s not the best at communicating anyway. I’m too scared to reach out, I feel like anymore I’m just another obligation she has to put up with. I mean she brought me here to stay with her parents, but does she regret it? As the days go by, I feel like she does. She’s found a group of friends, and she seems to be doing a lot better than she was. And I’m glad – I truly am, she deserves it. She’s like a sister to me, and she’s amazing, smart as hell, funny as hell, even if she doesn’t think she is. I don’t want to be in her way. I feel like I am more often than not anymore, and it just hurts. But it’s my own fault, isn’t it?

And I fucked up again when 3 weeks ago, the guy- her dad, actually, glanced through my window with a light at 4 in the morning through the hole in the curtains and I freaked out bad and stayed the night with my grandparents for a night. It was indeed talked about, he felt bad about doing it, but he apparently was very worried because their daughter- my friend- had her struggles really bad for a while. And… I guess he was wondering what I was doing? But he didn’t wanna come down and just ask? I don’t know, but I’ve told everyone it’s fine and I’d like to forget about it. They fought about it really bad for a bit. And I overheard from his wife that because of that, they’re in a ‘rough patch’ in their marriage of who knows how long. And yeah, I do blame myself, because I freaked out and told my dad about it, but he thought it wasn’t as big of a deal as my paranoid ass thought, and I told my friend’s mom when she pushed and that’s when she started freaking out at him. I didn’t even mean anything by it. I just was scared. I didn’t want to be peered at through a window when I only had a shirt on at 4 in the morning. But I didn’t wanna ruin things here, either. She’s like a mom to me as well, but I’d never tell her that. And of course I had to fuck that up too. Like I fuck everything up. Because I can’t just shut up and rot where I belong.

I’m just another problem among many problems people have to deal with. I’m trying to hurry and get into the swing of things, to get on my feet, but it’s fucking hard. And I’m forever grateful for my friend’s mom that I’m with obviously- she’s helped with a lot of things, but more and more I just feel shame. She’s a good person, just… taking me in like she did. Helps with a lot, and I just feel ashamed about it. Because I don’t want to burden her by making her feel like she has to care, I don’t want to be the cause of anymore stress than she already is under. But I am, and I have nowhere else I can go- at least to stay…

More often than not, I’ve been thinking. I’m going to try to get my license soon, and more and more I just imagine… leaving. Driving away, ridding everyone here the burden that is me. They don’t have to know where I’m going. I’ll find a place and just… finish it. Forever. Whether it be nothingness or an afterlife… who knows. I was raised in a Christian household- though I’m certainly not identifying as such- it’s hard for me to imagine there not being anything on the other side. But that’s probably me just being a dumbass, as usual. But even nothingness… it would be a relief. For me. For everyone around me… I could just be cremated or something, I dunno. Something cheap. Throw the ashes fuck all ’cause I’m dead anyway. I’ve not told anyone my plan. I’m not gonna. I imagine I’m too much of a coward to do anything anyway, it’s as if I enjoy this never ending suffering of myself, of burdening others.

I can’t even get any physical peace anymore. Constant headaches, no good sleep. The constant stomach pain came back. And I feel like something’s sitting on my chest all the time. Eating sucks, I threw up earlier what little I had eaten early in the day. I only eat if I’m forced to. My neck is always a pain in the ass too. I hate having to shower or take care of myself in that regard because it’s so utterly exhausting so I go more than long enough without doing any of that. I know it’s gross. People don’t really bring up that side of it all- they find it unappealing, find it lazy. I guess I understand. This room’s a damn mess and I’ve yet to put any effort into cleaning it. There’s hair everywhere because it falls out all the time.

I just can’t take it anymore. Hah, I say that and yet I’m still here. I’m not capable enough to just make the decision and do it. It’s why I wasn’t taken seriously before. And yeah, I guess it makes sense. I just hate putting up with me, and I imagine everyone in my life is getting tired of me too. I can’t even look at myself anymore. I think, truly, I just deserve to suffer. It’s my own fault, I created my own fucked up mess I can’t get out of for the life of me. It’s no one’s obligation to get me out.

I’m sorry for this, I just needed somewhere to get all this out the best I can. I’m terrible at it but I need something.