I’m always so bad at starting these. What else is there to say, anyway? I just feel the same way I always do. It’s been a very long and exhausting week. Had to go to a funeral yesterday of a family friend’s – which really sucked, as expected. I’ll really miss the guy- he was an important person in my childhood. I don’t know if I was all that significant in his life- his family gave my little sister a bowl he made because he had talked about her all the time, I guess. They didn’t even remember me even though we’ve met a few times… but that’s okay. I don’t need to be remembered. But I’ll miss him a lot. I just hope he knew I cared a lot about him too. I know it’s childish and selfish to think that way… I mean I’m not angry or anything- it’s just a way of life I guess, sometimes you’re just not as important to someone as they are to you. Hell, I could be misinterpreting the whole thing, but I’ll never ask. Just always feels that way I guess.
Did finally get my license earlier this week- first try, so at least it’s not something I have to worry about anymore. One less thing to stress about. I can’t really say I’m proud- applauding the bare minimum seems stupid to me, but I guess I feel relieved. I’m just so behind in… just life in general. So nothing feels like success. Maybe because inside I know it’s not. I don’t know. But now that I can go out whenever I think about just driving off and ending it all more often than not. I really feel like I could pull it off- just head far off to who knows where and just get it over with. End the burden that is me, I guess. I considered it today, actually, but then remembered I don’t have anything to use just yet.
I have energy for absolutely nothing, all the time. I’m able to keep the mask on for just long enough before coming back down to my room to rot for the rest of the day. It’s all I feel good for, to be honest. I can’t ever get my mind to shut the hell up anyway. Just sitting here with these thoughts day and night every god damn day and night. I just want to shut them off. I just want to know what it really feels like to feel okay I don’t even have to feel good anymore if life doesn’t want to give me that- just one day of feeling… okay. The closest I get to that is numb. And I’m just tired of it. What the hell am I staying here for anyway? To waste everyone’s space with my pathetic existence? At least I don’t talk about anything to anyone anymore- save for here. At least I don’t burden people with my complaining that way. Well, mostly, I guess. I don’t know I’m sure I slip up more than enough. Like I always do. Can’t seem to do much right.
To J Doe if you do end up reading this and if it means anything I hope you know I appreciate your words/responses more than I can say, and I’m sorry I don’t in turn give the same. As pathetic as it is I genuinely just don’t know how to at times- it’s very obvious I’m bad at talking anyway but I always worry about coming off really ignorant or insensitive sometimes. Or just stupid. So I just don’t. I know it’s probably nothing to you and that’s totally fine, just as long as you know I care in some sense, I guess. And appreciate you. Sorry.
I don’t know what to do other than just stare at the ceiling and try not to break down. I don’t want to do that. But there doesn’t seem to be much else to do. Sit here and rot in this shithole of a room I don’t even deserve and can’t even get any quiet because my brain won’t let me. I’m so tired of it all anymore. Even breathing just takes so much damn effort that I just don’t have. I don’t even have it in me to kill myself, that’s the shitty thing. I know it’s my own fault anyway, that I’m a broken mess and created even more of a mess. A drag on everything around me. At least in isolation I keep the others from drowning with me. I couldn’t ask them for help at this point and feel okay with it. I couldn’t hurt them further. I won’t.
4 comments
Hey there.
I’m sure that family friend cared about you a lot, even if his family didn’t. People like that in your life, even if you don’t see them as much when you get older, always help you in ways you don’t even think about until they’re gone.
Congrats on the license, too. Better to have it than not honestly, especially in today’s world.
I hope J Doe sees this and responds in time, too. You guys have a nice camaraderie. It’s nice to see that here, in a spot of the internet like this.
I relate very much to being a burden, so that last paragraph resonates with me, which is why I’m commenting. So you know someone gets it.
I like that drawing also, reminds me of the Tim Burton style of animation. Were you going for that intentionally? Either way, I do remember seeing some of your art and it speaking to me from time to time.
I lurk a lot here, comment when I can actually bring some level of helpul substance to a post on top of the post itself. I do hope in some way, that things genuinely improve for you. Now that you can drive, maybe find a little time to go for a “clear your head” kind of drive maybe? Anywhere chill you can think of going nearby?
Hoping something helps here for you. All the best.
T, the trulymindless1
I appreciate your comment/understanding- it always means a lot to me more than I can say. It’s good seeing you around as well.
Yeah I was going for the Tim Burton style- used to do it a lot when I was younger when I was in my little phase and it just made sense for what I was going for there – I’m glad anything I create can speak to anyone, so I appreciate that.
Clear your head drives are nice – just to have the music as loud as possible going nowhere. I do plan on doing that as much as possible ahaha.
Wishing the best for you as well, and thanks.
I’m sorry about your friend. I’m sure he thought if you. Even if he didn’t voice it.
Congratulations on your license. Tons of adults still don have it so being in your early 20s (?) Is not bad. When you do get a car, take opportunities to drive places. In some aspects it can be calming if it’s not too much driving.
The thoughts are hard. Their hard to hear every day all day. I get it when you said you become numb. The pain of them becomes so dull that you begin to think that they’re all there is. I hope you get that one day where they stop. I want them to stop for good for you, but first I want you to have that one day. Where they’re just quiet and you can breathe.
I’m just glad I’m in your thoughts. It means more to me than you know. I’m on here, like everyone else really, because I have nobody to show this side of me. This ugly, sad, painful side. And the fact anyone would give a damn about me even after seeing all that makes me happy.
That’s a really nice painting. As always, I really really really hope things get better for you.
Appreciate it as always man – I’m just trying to hold on to see if that one day even exists. I’m not sure it does, I mean the very moment I woke up my brain was already haywire, too many thoughts. It’s impossible to believe there’s anything else at this point.
Thanks for the congrats too- it feels like such a bare minimum thing it’s hard to make it feel like an accomplishment so it’s nice to see that it kinda matters I guess. At least my eyes aren’t fucked up as bad so I can drive, that’s part of why I didn’t get it sooner to begin with, but anyway.
I hope things get better for you as well, I know you’ve been struggling too and I wish I had the words or at least some of the same experiences to be able to emphasize better/say something meaningful. But I know you’re not (from what I can tell I guess) a bad person, you deserve to be seen/cared about too. I hope you get that, I hope things for you get better.