Still here , decided to live life my way

So after my last post ive took the perception of life to be what ever i make it. I nearly did it, I nearly left, id taken enough painkillers to almost most me drowsy and my car was full of fuel. Drove as fast as my car would take me and was heading for the large metal lampost i has picked out earlier on the motorway. It came into sight and i aimed at it.. However i swerved past it and carried on. Felt disgusted with myself that i had failed and was forcing myself to carry on life.

A few days of crying and i finally had a phone call off my mum to say she was renovating a part of the house for me to live in so that im seperate from my step-dad. Lucky Right? well yes and no.. my mum is finally providing a roof over my head and going out of her way to do it. However, the only part of the house that had been untouched since i was little was my brothers room that had passed away. She had destroyed the room and even knocked down a wall. Once i again i flew into a panic.

I then realised that the rest of the house had been ruined by my step-dad.. Sooner of later he was bound to get to my brothers room and make a mess of that. Eventhough the room is different that room is now going to be my room.. my room where my step-dad cannot get into.. my room that i can look after and go to sleep thinking of good memories.

This means i have somewhere to live. this also means that money i make from my job will be mine to save incase of emergencies. The man i loved has not come back and although im sitting here alone on christmas eve and will be for christmas day .. to be honest i dont care. I will never let anybody get close enough into my life to leave and hurt me. Humans cannot be trusted tonot change their minds. I dont like change and i dont think i ever will.

For all those people that are thinking of ending thier life because they dont like it.. Make it the way you want it to be before you throw it away. You might realise that only 1 or 2 people will help you along your way but no1 will actually be there for you.. Who cares .. show the world that you dont give a s### what it thinks and make life your own!