Why me?

I grew up an average child, but gradually becoming more and more overweight as I grew. I talk to people about this, very few people I might add, but they keep giving me the same bullshit answer. “It gets better.” Well, I don’t think it’s getting better after 3 fucking years! I started cutting 3 years ago, during summer. I was on vacation and a fight went on between me and my mom, and I left, took out my knife and cut my throat. Ever so slightly. I didn’t want it to end this way. I wasn’t going to go down after the first cut. They say that the first cut is the deepest, which I guess can be true, because that started the 3 years and counting of just hidden misery. But that’s when it all started. I would get to school, to be greeted with “Fatass” and “Fag” and many more. I put my books in my locker, got the right ones out. I had a bottom locker, and this ***** on the top would drop her stupid fucking books on me every day. The douchebag guys would kick me as they walk by, and I realize that I’m not fucking worth living. I sometimes still wish I had died that day 3 years ago, but no. Continuing on…

I started to become more and more emo. I had hair slicked back or spiked up, but I was letting it grow and I was straightening it, concealed by a black beanie, a black sweatshirt and black pants. I didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought anymore. My best friend had left for another school, and was changing. We used to be so close and alike, but she changed and we barely get along. I had no friends. I felt like everyone was ganging up on me. As a bit of a race issue, I was thought of that whiney-ass white kid complaining about his fucking first-world problems. But none of them understood, and they won’t. My family was falling apart. The yelling never stopped and I felt confined in my own fucking life. I barely slid by the rest of that school year, and then I switched schools. That’s when all hell broke loose.

Puberty had just settled in and I was bipolar and hormonal. One day I found myself hiding in a bathroom for 30 minutes to escape embarrassment, as that fat kid who asked the popular girl out. I began to cut, and was more open about my suicidal thoughts. Then one day, my mom found the notes. She took me to a doctor, who didn’t help, but make it feel worse. My mom can’t fucking fix a problem of any kind. The doctor made me cut more, and I was only just starting to make friends. I didn’t cut the summer after that school year, but began again this school year. Everyone was turning on me, my closest friends becoming self-absorbed fuckers that I was done with. If my parents make a mistake, they tell me that it’s okay, humans make mistakes. But whenever I do anything, they fucking lose their shit. I started to cut, getting further away from them. I’m moving out in October with my sister. Maybe that will release the pain. My mom found out I was cutting one day and told my sister she wouldn’t say anything if my sister talked to me. But she did, so I have no relationship with her whatsoever. I’m scared of my dad. Every time I even hear him walk down a fucking hall I just get scared. I don’t like being around him and I honestly enjoy my life a little better when he’s gone. That’s probably fucked up, because I know my parents did a lot for me, but they have given up hope entirely. They’ve given up everything. I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore, except for one thing.

I fell in love with a girl, but I haven’t the courage to tell her yet. I started cutting before I realized this, but I stopped for her. She told me that it made her sad, and I stopped because she is the reason I’m alive today. She’s beautiful and amazing, and an inspiration to me in many ways. Someday I truly do want to marry her. One of my close friends told me one time that being in love is the most amazing feeling, and that friend was right. I knew it was love because I would do anything for her. I just want her to know that I’m here and I’ll always be there for her. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with her as we have it, but I’ve always wanted someone like her. Someone I could fully trust. We’ve barely ever gotten into a fight and we did once, but it was stupid, and that was last year. I owe her everything. Thank you Kylie. I love you.