Do you believe in signs?
The most important relationship of my life ended a while ago. The relationship with the love of my life; the only person with whom I’ve felt such a strong connection. Stronger than that between my mother, my sister, all of my family. Stronger than anything I’ve felt with my friends(whom I consider to be my true family).
Both of us are mentally ill, suffering from similar maladies. Yet, one year ago(pretty much to the date) I was going through what I then considered to be the most trying time of my life. I was going on trial for a DUI with the possibility of facing jail time. I wanted the support of my girlfriend. I told her I needed her, but she was going through her own stresses from being in law school and couldn’t be there for me. She said I was demanding too much from her. The relationship ended days later. Only several days after she confessed her love to me.
I was heart broken, in complete anguish, suffering at a level I’d never experienced. I was on a medication(prozac) that was wrong for me that only exacerbated the whole experience. She no longer wanted to talk with me after she repeatedly called me and I didn’t answer(this was after a mentioning of suicide). I didn’t want to talk with her as I was drunk 🙁 The next day I called to apologize, but she’d blocked my number. It threw me into a tumult of terror. I didn’t know what to do.
I emailed her multiple times purveying my apologies. I received no response. In my panic – my desperation – I filled a prescription for sleeping pills and antidepressants. I told her if she didn’t contact me I’d kill myself. I took 60 pills. The ambulance came and I was “saved.” Â The next day after not hearing from her I try to slit my wrists. Not in an attempt to talk with her but in an attempt to truly die. My soul was beaten. However, neither she nor God nor the Devil wanted me.
I never heard from her. I never heard her voice again. She filed a restraining order. It ends in a month and a half, but I know she doesn’t want to hear from me. So, I can never talk to her again.
I understand that everything I did was wrong. And I’m so very sorry for my behavior. But God nor she will forgive me. Yet, I’ve experienced what I can only interpret to be signs that its not over yet.
The signs:
1 – I completed a profile on a business networking site. Listed as recommended contacts was both she and her lawyer, side by side.
2 – I randomly go to a college football game where during the halftime the band performs a song that she sang at a concert the last week we were dating.
3- Sitting beside me at the football game is a complete stranger. A woman. A brunette. Now, the game is at an HBCU so there aren’t many anglos there. But, this woman is sitting  right next to me bearing the same features as my ex. During the game she grabs my hand and tells me what I’m doing is a bad habit. What was I doing? I was fiddling with my fingernails, which my ex always complained about.
There have been many other things that I would consider signs, but none that I consider to be so apparent. Were they just coincidences?
I love her so much. Why won’t God help me? I understand there is free will but all I want is another chance. I just need someone, God, to have faith in me and in what I know, which is that I can give her the world. I can give her everything she needs and wants if only I have the chance.
It’s heart breaking. It’s destroying my soul. I’m falling down a self-destructive path as I try to find a way to plead for help from someone and find no one there with an answer.
I give up everything willingly for just one chance to show her what I know. She’s the love of my life and I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can never give of myself what I gave to her to anyone else.
Can’t anyone help me?! Can’t you hear me pleading, screaming? Why won’t God help me?
What am I supposed to do? Weren’t they signs?
6 comments
In my opinion the best thing for you to do is to take a step back and relax. Your gf was probably worried sick for you if you were the one who mentioned suicide, or if she mentioned it she probably needed someone to talk to. She most likely was hurt when you ignored her calls, but this is something you can ask forgiveness from her. Trying to harm or kill yourself is definitely not the right way to go. She probably wanted to distance herself from you around that time. I would recommend that you should first calm down and realize that trying to harm yourself is just going to make things way worse. Next realize that if you love her, you need to be there for her when she needs you, and vice versa. Try to contact her and explain that you will never do something like that again and that you realize it was really wrong. Just always be calm and think rationally. As for the signs, I definitely believe in ‘signs’. On a very personal note, a close friend of mine passed away about 6 months ago and I had a girl sit directly in front of me who looked almost identical to her the first time I went back to church, after her passing. It was the most terrifying and yet coolest thing to ever happen in my life. There were plenty of seats open so the chance of her sitting directly in front of me was not coincidence to me. So I definitely believe that there are signs you have experienced. I would recommend that you first take care of yourself, and then get your gf back. You need to prove to her that you aren’t suicidal and that you love her. I hope everything goes well for you.
I can relate to what your going through I feel the same way about my ex. I won’t ever be able to love someone like i loved him or give myself to someone else the way i did with him. But we broke it off because of his lies and negativity and refusal to try and make things better. I tried talking to him a few times I sent him txt msgs and he never replied and I called him when i was drunk once and found he disconnected his number and changed it. I still have his email and I know where he lives so i could even write to him. But I havent surprisingly, I just feel like his actions have made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me in the slightest. And even though every damn day something always comes up and reminds me of him i do everything in my power to remember that it was his choices that ended our relationship. It hurts its the worst pain ever to love someone so immensely and have them act like they don’t even care of your existence. But its something that needs to be accepted eventually because you can’t force it to work no matter how hard you try.
Hello QuixoticNomad,
I’m afraid I am going to have to strongly disagree with Randy’s comment…you should not in any way, shape,or form contact her. That will not end well for you…it is not what you really want anyway…because you know logically that you are going to get a nasty reception if you do contact her….reread what you wrote…and think about what you are saying…this is obsession…not love…and you need to get some serious help for yourself…this is not terminal…but a criminal record is…besides if you truly do love her…you know you’re not good for her…you just want her…whether it’s good for her too or not…that is not love my dear…and I’m sorry that someone caused you to think and feel that way…but pay attention to Alina…she knows what she’s talking about…and can give you the other side of the story. But remember…no you will never love quite like that again…and that is a good thing…because as you mature emotionally…it gets better and better…who would want to settle for their first painful, crushing rejection as the pinnacle of their success in love and life…that would really be silly.
I know it feels like the end of the world…and if you don’t wake up it very well could be the end of your world…and that would be a shame.
Namaste
Amakua
the first requirement of mature love is understanding
I’ve thought long and hard about whether or not what I am experiencing is an obsession or something quite different. What exactly is the difference between an obsession and love? I’ve talked with friends extensively about what love is. The last answer that I received was that love is the willingness to do whatever is necessary to make the supposed loved one happy. That in itself seems like an obsession to me.
I don’t plan on contacting her as I know it will end terribly. I know there is nothing in my power that I can do to change her opinion of me. Because in the end it all comes down to free will. And she uses her free will to choose not to be with me. She thinks I’m something that I’m not and I’ll never have the chance to prove that she’s wrong. And that is what is heart breaking. I have to live the rest of my life knowing of the horrible mistake I made and that she’ll never forgive me.
Who is right on the definition of love? Have you looked it up in the dictionary? It’s an undefined word. It’s open to an infinitude of interpretations. So, who is right and who is wrong?
“Don’t worry.” Those were the words a stranger spoke to me. One day I was sitting on an empty bus(aside from myself and the driver). A man got on and sat directly beside me and spoke those words to me. He expressed that in a time when I felt the world slipping away from me. Sadly, he was wrong about what was on my mind that day, but I always remember it. That can’t be a coincidence that he so happened to get on the bus and sit next to me, a complete stranger, and proffer advice.
Hey QuixoticNomad,
I’m gonna assume that you speaking to me as well…sorry if I’m wrong.
The problem with you is your focus…and I’m sure that sounds ridiculous…but we see what we look for sometimes…so coincidence…perhaps…but didn’t the woman in essence say the same thing as the ex…you got a lot of work to do on you?
Simple answer….love heals…obsession hurts…both parties….that is the difference…but mature love comes with maturity…emotional maturity…and even though myself I am 50 years old….because of my traumas and how I understood them…and what i chose to focus on…and how much healing is required…well I figure I might be around 17 on an emotional maturity scale…if there was such a thing…so I am not trying to put you down in any way. I’m just trying to tell you what you need to hear…not necessarily what you want to hear…Capiche?
You are wounded…open…vulnerable…and people recognize that in you…so yep random strangers connect with you…but on what level? Recently I had a beautiful young lady…dressed very scantily…but tastefully…walk up to me in a store parking lot with the biggest ass eating grin on her face…and ask me if she can give me a hug? She says…you’re just so beautiful and your light is so bright…I just want to eat you up!! So I say, “Sure you can have a hug on one condition. You must tell me why you think it was okay to ask such a thing of me in the first place…I mean normal people don’t have these things happen to them now do they?”…and she giggles. “So if you want a hug you have to pay my price….why do you think you can speak to me like this?” And she says…”Because you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen…like inside too.” Well you know she got her hug…but I was sure a head shakin’ as she skipped away. Oh and she said she loved me….but real love…all she wanted from me was a hug…and to make me smile at the same time…real love…I keep trying but haven’t found it in a romantic relationship yet…but I’m getting closer…andI’m not a quitter…but I was just too damaged too young to make it any easier than this….but unconditional love…the closest I can explain is this…real love wouldn’t have allowed you to get into the situation in the OP in the first place…so coincidence?…perhaps….but you are creating them to justify your staying stuck in a place that you know is not healthy for you and definitely not healthy for her right now….will you ever have her in your life again?….that depends on 2 things…how much work you do on you…and whether or not you ever learn to stop lying…most especially to yourself…you tried to be who you thought she wanted you to be…so she doesn’t even really know you…and now you’re wondering if you even really know you….so stop and do the work on yourself….to know better is to do better…she couldn’t love you…she didn’t even really know you…and when she started getting glimpses of your own self deception…you scared her…end of story.
Namaste
Amakua
you cant go back take the treasure of love you had and brokeness and get away from this area. of your life. Your emotions are taking over logic, while in your heart and mind this is your entire world, and you have to let go. there is an old saying if you love something truely let it go………. if it comes back its yours if not it never was…. letting it go is hard I know i had to let go of my kids i love dearly. however with a divorce and i never go to explain i found that letting them go was love. now you u are saying what is the pupose of this ? its easy to hold on to a past you pretend so you dont have to go out and face the fact that its over. with my kids i hope one day they come back to me so i can explain i cry and love them. i hung on to them as you do this girl. but if my kids never come back they may have once been mine but arent now. just as this girl. would you want someone if the table were turned. no…… if one day it does happen that she comes on her own you are lucky if not then legally it could go into a lot of trouble . i was forece to do my thing i am livng and doing fine. however i took the time i still hope……. i know you hope. however doing anymore then that is pretty well all we can do……. take care. eek