I am really losing it. Â I am researching suicide all day and all night and I can’t stop thinking about it. Â It takes all my strength just not to cut and more so not to kill myself or try. Â I would check myself into a hospital, but I have already been 5 times. Â Plus I am in the middle of school. Â I would lose a semester, for the third time. Â I just don’t know what to do with myself because I feel like the longer I tough it out, the closer I come to ending it. Â I wish I could stop this runaway train.
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I am sorry for what you’re going throgh. You mentioned that you’re in school… I hope you’re studying something that interests you… If so, your life will hopefully change for the better once school finishes and you’re working in that field. Having a job in a field that you love can be a huge benefit in life.
Are there people you can confide in? Above all else, if you need to seek help… seek help. If you need to visit the hospital or take time for yourself, do it… Studies can be resumed.
I wish I could just get through college, but it has been so hard because my psychiatric problems keep getting in the way. I’ve lost 2 semesters so far and I feel like this is my last shot. But i am having so much trouble and my mind is controlling my body and i can’t stop myself from acting on my thoughts, and they are dangerous. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose another semester to the hospital.
I want to be a museum educator, so I have a bright future, i just have to live to get there, which is a constant fight with my body
Yeah i feel the sane way except I have found the possibility of my ending it to never due to my laziness and never taking risks which lead me nowhere. I’m practically in a padded room in my head. Filled with my favorite drug weed. Thats the only time i leave the padded room but its illegal to me as a minor. I wish i was that runaway train
You have a desire, sparkeyes… and hopes and goals… to finish school and become a museum educator. Hang onto those goals and follow them. If you need to pause along the way, the school isnt going anywhere. It will still be there. Take care of yourself first… If you need to adjust speed, adjust it… Your body is the most important piece of the puzzle. No matter how long it takes to work through life and school, you’ll do great in your career… I’m sure of it.
I’m like two people. I know that sounds crazy, or like I have multiple personality disorder, but I feel like I have a self I can’t control, a self that wants me dead. And I don’t know how to stop that self from killing both of us. But I do have a self that loves life and loves my future and wants to succeed and achieve. But I don’t know how to stop myself from dying. I couldn’t even spit the pills out when I attempted suicide, I had to swallow.
I’m glad you lived, sparkeyes. Very glad. Are there certain situations which cause you to essentially fight yourself? School stress? Life stress? Or does it happen without warning? I hope the loving life and achieving wins out for you. You deserve it.
My doctor swears that it is the stress from school, but i don’t think so. It happened with my bipolar disorder. I made a mistake and triggered a state of rapid cycling. Then my ocd was set off by my mood unbalance. The OCD for me has nothing to do with cleaning or rituals but has to do with impulses that can be so strong i can’t fight it. The impulses are usually about cutting or forms of suicide. I get invasive thoughts telling me to die. It is very disturbing and unnerving and overwhelming. I wish it would just stop, that it would end. Thank you for your kindness