I’ve been counting down the minutes at my high school. I can’t take much more of the classes I’m in. I have hubby bars to combat my depression, but will it help my lack of motivation? Will it help me deal with my deep love for my cousin? Will it protect me from throwing my life away, because life is pointless?
In my FOA2 class, which is Focus on Algebra 2, I was talking with my classmates about the glass is half full and half empty and took the pessimistic viewpoint. It’s significant because that’s my personal viewpoint and I clearly stated it, you have to clearly state your position rather than think someone can see through your fake smile.
I may babble on and when I get a new idea, I will try to create any kind of paragraph concept.
I want to die at war in the Army and if not, then I will just continue a career in the army or join a PMC or even go to college or start trying to live through debt slavery.
I count the minutes till the day I graduate and I want to get through it already. I can’t stand going to school learning useless crap on english and other crap. I understand having knowledge on the history and mathematics are important, but how many people have actually graphed a linear function in any part of their life after high school or college? Maybe being an economist or something, but rarely.
I have my hubby bars to allow peace of mind, every time I want to just give up I can eat a piece and feel better. Its like having a gun in your safe that you take out to shoot at a shooting range knowing it will protect you, except in my case it’s from myself I need protection from.
I started asphyxiating myself to feel a five second high and to forget, I knew it was stupid, I was aware of that, but I fear self-harm through pain and instead chose something to stop the thoughts.
I’m still all in love for my cousin and wish I could be with her, but I haven’t seen her in forever. I want to blaze with her and maybe kiss her to hopefully lower my want to be with her. I have been wanting to see her for that purpose as I put it in my mind and hope I execute that action. If I don’t then it will prove I will never do anything to help myself and just die right then and there, or until I feel like shit a few hours after being high. Not that I feel bad afterwards, the euphoria heightens my mood all day for the next 2 days or so. Well thats all I can say right now. Maybe I might eat a piece and start writing a philosophical viewpoint on the world or something of similar topics.
35 comments
Yeah im a senior too and beleive me im counting the days 🙂 ummmm im not judgeing( i swear im not judging, i dont judge just want to make sure i understand) but did u say ur inlove with ur cousin?( Not judging not judging not judging I SWEAR)
Haha actually I think the whole cousin thing isn’t such a big deal in most parts of the world. I have some friends from Turkey they said first cousins can marry there, and said it like it was no big deal…not like here where you say it and people are like wtf.
Yeah well my cousin and my um cousin(haha) r dating right now…super low key im pretty much the only one that knows
haha good for them, I mean the only real issue is a higher chance of genetic disorders, birth defects or whatever. Then again not everyone even has kids, so who cares.
One of them cant have kids anyways so i guess they dont really have anything to worry about…
Well im not a senior yet so thats the problem i cant last and yeah i know that but every time i fall for someone its someone i can never get to and love i cant control. I can like a girl but not fall in love with her and yes I fell in love for
Y cousin she doesnt feel the same though…
The chances of having birth defects are 3 percent higher yet theres still a 3 percent chance of it with people of the same race so with currentogic then i guess you should have interracial relationships only!
I never wanted kids anyways. I was hoping to have a relationship with her before i join the army and boom when i die the. Whatever.
But things dont work like that. Instead she doesn’t feelthe same way of course.
You say you want to have a relationship with her before you join the army and go off and die, but do you think you would still want to die if you had a relationship with her? Sounds like you are really hung up on this girl, sucks that she doesn’t feel the same way. Does she just not like you in that way, or is it the whole cousin thing she can’t accept?
Idk I’ve given up on life pretty much. So either way it wouldn’t matter. And im so hung up on her necause the last time i fell so badly for someone they rejected me and i went into a deeper sense of self loathe than usual so idk if i can handle that again. I don’t know actually, I just don’t focus on that aspect of it. I’m just ready to get out of this life. I watched too much shit on the internet to not want to live anymore is my best guess. I’m just tired of it all, and feel undeserving of anything. That’s a reason why I haven’t actually gone as far as many others to kill myself because i dont deserve death. I deserve pain. Yet i break under pressure… Sorry i keep babbling hope i at least gave an answer
Well self loathing is never good, I have pretty much given up on life also. There really isn’t much in life that is enjoyable or worth the effort involved. I try not to think in terms of things being deserved or earned or whatever. That is all just judgement, perspective, opinion whatever. I suppose if you think all you deserve is pain, that you probably don’t even think you deserve to get the girl any way.
Yeah but theres always a part of me that wants the meaning of life whether it be something i overlooked or what im trying to use as love being the meaning which doesnt work very well though. Since love is only good when someone else feels the same. Idk i have a bit of a masochistic perspective but i try to broaden my perspective to at least a speck of hope that may appear bigger every once in a while.
Hope is another thing I try to avoid lol. I mean obviously hope can be an incredible thing it can inspire people towards amazing accomplishments. It can also make people suffer incredible agony in pursuit of something they will never obtain. Me personally I would rather just drift through life without it.
oh and as far as a meaning to life people have pretty much searched for that since the beginning of time. I don’t think there is a meaning to life at least not in general. On a more personal level, our lives just have whatever meaning we choose to give them or whatever meaning we find in them for ourselves.
Yeah but its easier said than done. Like I don’t believe in ghosts but i have noghtmares all the time about them. I just can’t let go of old accustoms. Life is so pointless. I am lucky I haven’t gone crazy by now. Ive come so close to it, but never quite gotten to it. I waych gory videos and whatnot, I bet after my time in the Army, I will go insane most likely. I remember my cousin Jasmine hated the idea of me joining the army, she asked why. I felt better that she cares, but I wish I could be with her all the time. Our family is so fucked up, that incest seems like one of the few things that we don’t have yet.
hey well at least she didn’t want you to join the army, maybe she just doesn’t want you to be so far away? Once you join you never know where you might end up. Of course that is kind of selfish of her to, I mean if you love her so much it must be really hard to hang out with her as just friends.
Worse things happen at sea you know!
It’s true, commercial fishing is statistically the most dangerous profession as it has the highest proportion of fatalities than any other job.
The armed forces is not so bad these days as your country mainly goes to war with people who wear slippers and a cloth on there head. No match for state of the art weaponry.
haha yea whats that show called deadliest catch? Or you could try this job http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPvCuc1_mgM
I am using an iPhone so can’t watch it. Even if I could it would probably drain my data allowance.
Yeah im on wifi and um yeah i love weaponry and i am hoping to get some training maybe join a PMC or just go to college cuz im low on credits barely able to pass high school. And yeah she cares but it’s very hard not to be with her when i want her so badly.
well sounds like the army is a good option for you then, spend a few years traveling the world then when you get out you can get the government to pay for college.
Exactly and if i die somehow then that’ll be the greatest doing something i love cuz i always loved guns and thats why i wish to be with my cousin cuz i love her
Well at least you have that goal, but I think you said you aren’t even a senior yet, and of course the army won’t take you til you are 18 so still some time left before all that happens. Maybe Jasmine’s feelings will change between now and then. Or if you hate highschool so much maybe just get a GED instead, I had a cousin that dropped out of high school when he was 16 and he spent about 6 months studying for his GED instead. Might be an easier and less frustrating option for you.
Does your cousin feel the same way?
It’s all rather bizarre although as others have commented, in some cultures it’s even encouraged.
Each to their own I suppose. The thought of feeling that way myself would give me the creeps.
Yeah but I’ll just brave it out. If I feel like dying I’ll have an emergency stash of weed to keep me alright I guess. But yeah when i heard the govt pays for college for joining the army i wanted to take the chance. Just 1 1/2 years to go of high school now. Hopefully i see my cousin on Sunday and maybe kiss her thats my goal for short-term, and then I’ll let her contemplate whether she felt something or not n
Yeah but its like a deep love for anyone else, you just don’t have to worry that ur related. People eat dog in some countries, just stretch ur boundaries. I’m not consumed by lust, but rather deep love to the bottom of my heart for my cousin. Any sexual thoughts of her subside quickly leaving the true feelings I have.
Anyway as The Stranglers once said ‘what ever happened to the heroes’. First Hussein, the Gaddafi and Bin Laden. The US is running out of people to kill. You might be in luck if the Iranian situation escalates. I think they are bluffing about their nuclear capabilities which is a shame, I would actually like to see somebody let one off in my lifetime.
hah yea people do eat some strange things in some cultures. Although I wonder how anyone looked at a lobster and thought damn that thing looks delicious. I mean sure they taste ok but lol they look like some overgrown ocean insect or something.
Haha they do.
Well duke have you read the conspiracies saying how The US govt wants to start WW3 so we might have a nuclear war thats my guess and I’m not trying to sound like a moron but i would enjoy fighting in ww3 in my lifetime. At least be able to fight to the end. I spent many months watching videos of torture and gore to train my brain against psychological complications and all for nothing? The best i will get without war is going insane and thats fine with me but I’d rather survive. Somewhat…
How about eating a cockroach? Haha yeah and compare that to incest, which is creepier? So yeah I have found many other people who enjoy the idea of incest. I always think as if theres one of me with these views then I represent 1000 people who share similar views. At the very least though.
Yeah they do look weird. I don’t know what all the fuss is about because they taste ok but don’t have much on them. As creatures I suppose they serve no real purpose to people other than to be eaten. I remember when I was in the restaurant and I ate it for the first time. The chef brought out a several and asked me to select the one that moments later I would devour. I felt sorry for the little fellow at first but that soon dissipated after a few bites.
Haha yeah we all enjoy a piece of meat every once in a while. Im craving some crab meat right now.
I like how when I watch something on tv, it influences me like a cool anime i just watched makes me reflect on it with a bright reflection. It’s odd.
That’s what I said last week. I was going through my old CD collection and some of the songs I hadn’t listened to since I was at school. It all felt nostalgic and I was transported back to a happier time.
hah yea we all enjoy meat except for vegetarians, well even they probably enjoy it but refuse it on principle. I dunno about crab but man I could go for a hamburger or something right now.
I dunno some tv the story does change the way you feel for a while after, other things you watch you just sit and think about how stupid or boring it was or how poor the acting was, how bad the plot was, how improbable it was. I guess it depends on the quality of what you are watching.
Yup but those japanese and their anime its good but has much unnecessary nudity. Almost looks like hentai well anyways it was cool
yea I never have gotten into anime although I keep thinking that I should try it. Since much of what I read is sci-fi, fantasy, paranormal, and most of the tv shows I like have those same themes. Seems like alot of the anime follows along those lines. I dunno I guess I always just assumed anime exaggerates the emotions to much. Like it tries to hard to show you visually exactly how the character is feeling.