I want to disappear. I don’t think I want to die as such, I just don’t want to exist, either.
That’s it really, I just don’t want to exist anymore. If I could just flick a switch and not be here anymore, I would. I would do it straight away, no questions asked. I suppose that switch is basically a permanent one, a switch of life or death.
That’s the thing though, I’m unsure whether it’s suicide I want. I want to not be here but I don’t want to be dead.
So am I suicidal? Is it suicidal to just want to disappear?
I hate the word ‘suicide’, it’s such an ugly word to hear and to say and to type. It sounds evil, like it’s a sin. I don’t think wanting to die is a sin. Even worse than the word ‘suicide’ is the phrase: ‘commit suicide’. People commit crimes and sins. To me, death isn’t a sin or a crime, it’s a release and nothing else.
A release. I suppose that’s what I want. A release from my life as it is right now.
That’s another problem- there’s nothing technically wrong with my life, or with me. Well, there shouldn’t be anyway. I have a great family and lots of friends. I do well enough in school. I have enough money. I have a stable home life. People like me. I’m the girl who’s always there for people. The girl who’s always happy. But for some reason, despite my prefect life, I’m broken.
Broken. That’s probably the best way to describe how I feel. But again, I’m not sure why I’m broken. Like I said, nothing traumatic has ever happened to me. I was bullied throughout my time at Primary school, from the ages of 9-11, but that kind of stopped a long time ago. That’s about the worst thing that’s happened to me so far, and I guess on a scale of things it’s pretty minor. But then again, children being cruel to other children is horrible. Adults have no idea how unkind really young people can be to each other.
So yeah, broken. Something about me must be broken. Because in theory, I’m perfect. So why should a teenager who has it all not want to exist anymore?
Compared to so many people, I do have it all. But at the same time, I have nothing. I might have friends, but I don’t have anyone to talk to in the way I’m talking to this webpage. I might have a lovely family and a really close relationship with my Mum, but I can never force myself to tell her how screwed up I am; and I probably never will. In a strange way I’m alone, and I’m starting to realise that my loneliness is self-enforced.
That’s what I do, really. I self-destruct. I push people away. Not on purpose, but there must be a reason I am yet to trust anyone in my life enough to know who and how I really am at times. I just subconsciously ruin things for myself, and I don’t know why. The moment things start to go right, I do something and everything seems to fall apart again.
And my friends? Yeah, there are loads. But none of them know me, because I can’t bring myself to tell them. I don’t want to tell them how screwed up I am, because I have no proper reason for feeling this way. I want to help people, I like to give advice. I want to be the friend who’s always there. I want to look after people and make it okay for them. But I don’t want anyone to do that for me.
I don’t want help. that’s another strange thing. I really, really don’t want help. I don’t even know why. Perhaps it’s because I’m incredibly stubborn, I have trouble letting anybody help me do things. Maths is the exception to that rule. So anyway, I don’t like help and i don’t like sympathy. If I do something, it has to be on my terms. I don’t want to rely on anyone else. If I want to change, it’s going to be on my terms. If I want to die, it will be on my terms. But like I said, I’m not sure if it’s death I want, because all I really want is to disappear.
At the moment, it’s like I’m trapped inside myself. I’m basically a thousand and one contradictions: Happy but also sad. Loud but also quiet. Independent, but also lonely. Fearless, but also afraid. Intelligent, but not clever. I love aspects of life, but I want to disappear.
I want to disappear. It’s not a case of wanting to die. It’s not that I wish I’d never been born. I literally just want to fade away and disappear. I can’t even explain it properly. However I phrase it, it just sounds suicidal. And I don’t think I want to die, and like I said, suicide’s an ugly word. I want to cease to be. I don’t believe in a God, in a Heaven, but I do feel there’s an afterlife of some kind. I don’t want an afterlife. I don’t want a life anymore, and life is so closely connected with death. But again, am I suicidal? Are these the thoughts of someone who actually does want to die? I don’t know. I just don’t know. That’s what scares me, really.
It’s not even like I feel this way all the time. I mean it’s always there, in the back of my mind, but I also have moments of true happiness. I do laugh at times, I do feel part of things a lot of the time. It’s just that more often than not, I sit with a huge group of friends and people who care, but I don’t even feel like I’m there at all. I feel distant and alone a lot of the time. I feel hopelessly disconnected.
And again, I’m not even sure why! Technically, I have a perfect life. It’s as though I don’t deserve the luxury of feeling this way. It’s as though my sadness is self-indulgent. Like I’m one of those poor little Daddies girls. The kind of girl with no real issues who just makes up this screwed up depression. I don’t think I’m one of those girl, because those girls share their depression with the world. They make it into fashion. We live in a society where the more fucked up you are, the more you deserve your sadness. I don’t deserve my sadness, because I have no reason to be sad.
And is it sadness? Or is it something darker? I hate questions, but they’re all I really have at the moment… “Am I suicidal? Am I depressed? Should I do more? Should I tell someone? Is it worth anything? Why do I try?” And the worst question of all: “What’s the point”.
I hate asking myself that, because in truth, there is no point. We’re all going to die anyway, so who cares? I know that there are a lot of things in life that matter, but I’m yet to find any true meaning to my life.
I’m kind of useless. I don’t really do anything. I lie in bed at 2 AM and feel so alone, then I come up with all these big plans: to help people, to be a better person, to be girl I’d want to be friends with. But truly, that changes nothing in the end. Because I wake up exhausted, struggle to get up in time, rush to get dressed and grab my books, then it’s out the door and off to school for another day of mess, confusion and never moving forward or putting any of my plans in action.
Basically, I’m screwed up and alone. I’m 16 and I feel hopeless a lot of the time. Sometimes I tell myself that it will all be okay someday, and a lot of me is sure that it will be, even now as I type this. But another part of me tells me that unless I can somehow change, and stop being the sad little girl with selfish depression, things will work. And I try. I really do try. I don’t ever hurt myself anymore, and even when I did, I only used a razor one time, experimentally.
It didn’t work. It didn’t make me feel better. I didn’t feel the sense of relief or calmness that other self-harmers get. Does that make me fake? That I only experienced the correct feelings when I was clawing at skin, rather than cutting it. Maybe I just failed at that as well- how can simply scratching the surface work better than slicing with a razor? Another example of how fucked up I can be, I suppose.
So yeah, I tell myself things will work out in the end, that I won’t be sad forever. And yeah, I do believe it sometimes. But there are also times when I feel so hopeless. Because the only way I can sort myself out is by beating this sadness. And I guess a small part of me clings to my sadness. Because in a way, the sadness is keeping me safe.
By feeling miserable an alone on a near constant basis, it makes it easier for me to deal with people. I’m untouchable to anything people say to me or behind my back, as I simply don’t care. Because no amount of dislike from others can be equal to my dislike for myself. In that way, my sadness keeps me safe.
If I let myself truly care about things, I’m likely to get hurt. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want my heart broken. So perhaps that’s why I never let people get too close to me. I’m scared and protecting myself. But why?
Why am I so scared? What am I so afraid of? No one’s really hurt me properly in the past, so it’s not like I’m scarred by memories or anything. Why do I feel this way? None of it even makes sense. I have the perfect life, perfect family, perfect everything, so why do I still want to disappear?
Like I’ve said many times already, I don’t want to kill myself, as such. I don’t want anyone to have to find me dead. I don’t want to be remembered as the teenager who let no one in, then ruined the life of her family by killing herself. I don’t want to die at all really. What I want is for everything to end. There’s a difference. I want things to be over, I don’t want to be dead.
It’s just that if I suddenly got it by a car and lost my life, I wouldn’t be too upset. Maybe I do actually want to die, I just don’t want to be the one to do it. I can’t be the one to do it. I don’t want to screw things up for my family or anyone else. Because if I killed myself, they’d blame themselves. And I don’t want them to. Because it’s not their fault. I’m a screwed up person, but they brought me up beautifully. I had an unbelievably happy childhood, both of my parents make me smile and have always made me feel so loved. It’s not their fault I’m like this, I’m screwed up. Because like I said earlier, I must be broken in some way, because in theory, every thing’s great in my life.
All I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to dream. I want to close my eyes at night for good, and for them to stay shut. I don’t want to go to a heaven or any kind of afterlife. I want to be deeply asleep for all eternity, and I don’t want to put myself to sleep, because that would destroy things entirely.
I want to disappear.
33 comments
Hey you,
In reading your post, I got three important things out of it:
1) You are very conflicted about your purpose in life. Why you are here and you don’t know if you will be able to to accomplish anything in life.
You have to understand that you are only 16. I am 24. I am still trying to find my purpose in life. I am still trying to understand what it is that I can do to make a difference. At 16, you are still trying to find yourself. I think you should just focus on the things you love. Not people, things. For example, if you are interested in history, google things up, go to a library and check out some books, watch the history channel, etc. If you are interested in art, poetry or writing, you should do the same thing. You mentioned helping people. If you feel you aren’t doing enough to help people, and helping people will provide you a sense of satisfaction, then you should join a soup kitchen or find someplace else to volunteer. I am sure there are groups at your school. IF there aren’t, then start your own fundraiser towards an issue that is important to you. You said you have a lot of friends, so it will be easier to do. I wanted to help children in the third world countries when I was in High School, so I contacted the charity that was helping build schools in third world countries and they sent me a package to start a fundraiser within my High School. Students still raise money every year and I haven’t been in high school for over 5 years. You can do something to help people and it is a very awesome thing!
2) You feel you aren’t allowed to be depressed. In fact, you are conflicted about whether you are depressed. It is quite easy to see whether or not you suffer from depression.
Here are the common signs and symptoms of Depression:
– Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
– Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, or social activities. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
– Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
– Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
– Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
– Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
– Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
– Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
– Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
– Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain
You may experience only some or all of these symptoms when you are depressed. Think of this as a little checklist for yourself :).
As for the part where you think you aren’t allowed to be depressed is bull shit. IF you say you have had a relatively good life compared to others, that’s awesome. But in the only life you have known, you have experienced your own trauma. Bullying is a trauma. Maybe its not bad compared to things like sexual assaults. But still, you haven’t experienced things like that. I believe everything is relative and that relativity is very important. So utilizing that concept, relative to all you have known, the trauma of bullying (and maybe other traumas like a break up or something else – like someone close to you passing away) has lead you to become depressed without you knowing it. So don’t ever think you are not “allowed” to feel depressed. You feel the way you do, you can’t help it!
3) You feel alone. You think that feeling sad is a way to keep yourself safe.
I know the feeling of loneliness all too well. Like feeling alone in a room full of people. I can also relate to the feeling of wanting to disappear. But have you thought of maybe just going somewhere alone and spending time with just yourself. Like sitting by a river or a lake quietly, by yourself, no distraction. There were times when I felt happy just being alone and away from people. I think sometimes when we feel that no one understands us, and maybe it is true, especially for myself, then we want to disappear because life seem so pointless. But maybe the point of life is just to find a point in it. If that makes any sense? All I am saying is that take some time off from people, friends and family to discover yourself. To know what you want. You may not figure it out but you would have at least tried. If you have an opportunity, take a trip to some place that you have always wanted to go (like a school trip – my school always went to a country like Italy or Spain or Greece). Meet new people (:. All of these will be an experience for you.
In order to combat your depression, you do have to seek help. It doesn’t mean you have to go see a shrink right away. You can read about depression. You can get a self-help work book. I have the Anxiety and Depression workbook for Dummies. You can work through that and see if it helps you overcome your issues and understand them better. If that doesn’t help then maybe see a counselor. But I understand the feeling of not wanting to go to a shrink. But I do recommend the self-help book. (:
I hope that my response helps you. I took a long long time to write it (: . You can contact me whenever you wish.
I hope you see the bright future that you have ahead of you! (:
Hey.
You sound an awful lot like me. I’m 21 and I feel like my life has spun out of control a long time ago. Like you, I’m floating somewhere between the barriers of life and death, not really knowing what path is the right one.
If you’d ever wish to talk to someone who feels more or less the same way, feel free to add me/mail me: goodbyehalcyondays@hotmail.com.
Don’t be afraid because of the fact I’m older. I like talking to all sorts of people, at least if it’s not superficial talk (which is the case mostly…). I like to listen. I’m no creep.
I cannot tell you what to do and I think that’s not the right thing to do. You should seek for answers only you can find. You may let yourself be influenced by opinions you think are right or hold some kind of truth, but please never indulge in other people’s statements blindly. I used to be like that and all it does is lead you to self-destruction. Perhaps read some books that deal with insights on life, this helped a bit for me.
Hope to talk to you some time.
Good luck.
L.
…as we live our strange individual existences here on the Blue Marble, we’re confronted with an even stranger choice: to become a good (albeit flawed) person through a series of tests beginning around the age when we begin to interact with the world of ‘human reality’. Around four or five years old, our tests begin; sometimes even our parents, as much as they love us, cannot understand the fundamental difference between a child and adult, and thus don’t fully realize the pains these tests of life have wreaked upon us. As the years continue, and we’re again given a series of choices in our early teen years, and can still be a good person (as you stated, you’re a helpful friend and try your hardest to be a loving person to those you feel closest to (even though you don’t feel genuine in your love @ times, that’s ok I understand that feeling!!) you’ve fought battles and have won a certain type of war. This war: the challenge of being kind to those around you, you have chosen correctly and become a person to be proud of.
I too, have lived a life similar to your own, and constantly question myself as to why I am the escapist that I am, always wishing to disappear. Drugs used to take me away, but no longer. Sleep during the day sometimes helps, but I always awaken more tired than before my eyes closed. I am 31 now, and my two young sons depend on me to be an official member of their little lives. This alone gives me reason to make it through each 24 hours with a sane mind and a heart that still beats for true love. Though, even this truest of loves is not enough when I feel the need to disappear from this conscious and earthly life…
— in conclusion, I just wanted to say: I understand, my friend…
From my corner of darkness to your own–do me one favor, make it through another day.
I’ll be there with you, always trying…
Hey. Its been awhile since you made this post, but what you’ve said so similar to my own feelings that I had to respond. I’m 20 now, a college junior, and all I can think about is how I’m not smart enough for my major, not good enough to get a job in it, not attractive enough to get a girlfriend (never had one).Just like you, I have incredibly supportive and loving parents and plenty of friends. But all I can think about it how I will ultimately end up dissapointing my parents, and how my friends will have forgotten about me after I’ve graduated. I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.All I can think about is how all my friends are gaining experience in their fields, getting jobs, succeeding, while I sit here at 3AM trying and failing to fall asleep.I don’t want to kill myself either, a car crash like you describe would be fine with me as well. The ideal situation would be for me to run away. Only, make it so it seems I was abducted, that it wasn’t me who ran away but who was taken away. Like, leave my car in some store parking lot with no cameras in the dead of night, that way no one would see me. And just run away. My friends would notice my dissapearance, my car would be found still running with the lights on, and they would assume I was kidnapped by some degenerate. Only problem would be the fact that I would have to live on knowing what I did. But sometimes I tell myself it would be worth it.Its like watching a car crash. You know whats going to happen, you can’t stop it and you can’t turn your head away from it.If you find a way to deal with or eliminate your depression, let me know. I’m in the same boat it would seem.
not good enough to get a girl? people think im machetes stunt double and its never stopped me from having girls. its about whos on the inside. im not saying be some fake tool who pretends to be something they arent. im just saying if you learned more (about anything, music, film, writers, things not just “guys” like) and it will be alot easier to speak to someone. it may seem like you cant keep a conversation or that you are afraid that they will laugh at you, think about you…. YOU ARENT AFRAID TO DIE (that should actually open you up to do pretty much anything) go up to a girl, say hey, she laughs at you or something fucked up… fuck it… what harm did it really do? sure a blow to the ego… but guess what? 98 women for every 100 men. some might be gay, some asexual, or some already in a relationship. do the math… that means there IS someone for you. be patient. learn to be confident (over confidence can be a turn off FYI) learn to remember that its just words, and they cannot harm YOU, train your ego not to get so involved with your heart. its a great difference.
omg…thats EXACTLY how I feel. I am so touched right now, that I am not the only person having this fight. Its like tumbling in the mid of an ocean under the surface not knowing where up and down is…not able to think…having the fear not to find the surface to breath again…having the fear not to have the stamina to reach the surface…its awful. :((((
Oh, but a therapist can help, I am pretty sure. I just started to go to one and he assured me that I will be healed, he had a lot of those like me :)))) (and you) so go to a therapist! As fast as possible!
I feel the same way. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I just feel like, what’s the point of living anymore. I don’t want to be here. I am so anxious about things all the time. I have accomplished nothing. I have no children, no spouse, no friends, no life.
i feel the way you describe almost daily. I know this post is very late but i just wanted to say you are a great writer and convey your thoughts in an extraordinary way. I will be praying for you. as moonlitdusk put it, make it through another day. we are all here with you, always trying.
This is so amazing, the way you have described your feelings and situation is so astute. And what you wrote about a part of you clinging to the sadness to stay safe is so much what I do, but never saw it till reading this. It’s made me realize my sadness feels very private and familiar, like an old friend and its been there since very young, and it came and I kept it like a mist about me. That may not be quite what you mean, but you’ve opened my eyes about my own sorrow. And maybe it made me feel more special as a child while buffering me from my family, like a blanket around me. And I’ve always felt it was a kind of special almost mystic part of myself, but I’ve never been able to get it exactly.
And about wanting to fall asleep and then just be gone. Yes. That’s just it. Thank you.
I typed in “I want to disappear ” into google and it brought me here, i really enjoyed reading your post and i think we are quite similar, you said everything that i was feeling about wanting to disappear and not letting yourself go to sleep forever by your own hands but if it where to be an accident it might be okay…iv felt the exact same many times :/ well i really liked reading some of your notes and stuff (im not 100% sure if thats what they are called lol) hopefully i should have some up sometime, im going to try to let out a little bit on here now haha, thanks for titling your note as to what i google searched haha (:
This post of yours and the comments were a real eye-opener for me. Thanks a ton! Didnt expect to find somebody with similar feelings and a similar dilemma.
Thank you for your post. It’s been 2 and a half years since your post and after reading this, I wonder how you are doing now. I’m 23 and I’ve had the most difficult time this past year and a half. What kills me though, is that I handled it horribly, choosing to withdraw into myself and choosing to become addicted to pornography and games, because drugs, alcohol, and smoking has always scared me. A year and a half ago, I was a passionate, ambitious, confident, gregarious, and popular guy. I knew that I could do anything I set my mind to. In fact, I really was going places–pursuing my dreams of studying history in England at the best school in the world (Cambridge) and considering even an MBA at Oxford. These were all very real aspirations as I had all the necessary connections and opportunities to accomplish those goals. All I had to do was set my mind to it and do it. But a year and a half ago, I started living alone. While all my friends had roommates and such, I lived alone in a big house and had the option of keeping to myself. At first, I was doing okay, living my life as I should. But as time passed, I started to wallow in my own loneliness. I had a lot of pride–that I should be able to handle myself, that I should be the one helping others and that I didn’t need help from anybody else because I could do it better. But more and more, I found myself needing help but not being able to reach out for it and receive it. I let myself devolve into my bad habits of addictive gaming, staying up all night watching movies and playing games, eating late, staying in my house for days at a time until I got tired of delivery pizzas. I was insanely lonely, but I could not and would not accept that fact. There were interested girls around me, but I felt that I could trust no one and open up to no one. Yes I do have some trauma from an experience that I’m not going to share, but I’ve been hurt deeply and have experienced feelings of betrayal and of not being understood. I’ve had daddy issues all throughout my teenage and young adult years–not measuring up to my dad’s expectations, or to him. He’s a very successful businessman, and I’ve always been interested in art, music, history, and books. I wasn’t really ever good at sports like him or a leader of men like him. All of these issues however, don’t matter to me anymore. I’ve come to a point of apathy and lying, that I don’t care about it all anymore. Life is too damn hard to keep trying, and now, all those opportunities have disappeared. Even my friends and my parents find my revolting. I’ve put on some weight, and the light has faded from my eyes. What once interested me–history, art, books–these don’t interest me as much anymore. Actually, that’s a lie. I still love history and books and art. I just don’t enjoy working hard for anything, and working hard is required to gain maximum pleasure from these hobbies. I’m so caught up in gaming now, that I don’t really care for anything else. Now my dreams are about gaming, I study everything about my game, and my mind is constantly drawn to the game. I could spend all day playing my games, and on some days, I do. I lie to everyone about what I do and how my life is. I can tell they see that something is wrong, but I don’t want to change. I like my comfort and games. Life is miserable, and I wish to disappear. That is why I do games. All the talents and abilities I had are disappearing. I collaborated with composers to write and record songs, I spent several months learning Kpop dance and choreography, I transcribed primary source journal entries pertaining to a period of history I was passionate about, I spent amazing time researching and writing papers at the most amazing university in the world around the most amazing people in the world–I’ve done so many things and have been blessed with so many opportunities. But I’ve let my loneliness and my bitterness get ahold of me, and now, I’m in this sorry state of misery and apathy. I want to disappear.
So, please tell me how you are doing now. I want to know how your story is unfolding.
I can relate all too well with your posts above, it seems to me that at a certain point in life when you’re at rock bottom, you need some kind of long term “engine starter,” like a therapist, or someone that can boost you up who you see often, or maybe some medication that gets things going for you to get any kind of positive momentum going.
But like Tom said above, I too was at an all time high in my life when everything was going my way, I was very well respected, envied, and I was on the road to success. That’s when a metaphorical bullet (or train) that I should have seen coming came out completely out of nowhere and sent by confidence back from the fiery pit from whence came.
I immediately took to isolation and video games to ease the situation. It’s been two months now, internally, I feel broken or shattered, and I’ve noticed that I’m starting to stay up later, go through bouts of hopelessness, “wanting to disappear” (which obviously led me here), and generally just thinking things like “I’m not interested in the future that lays before me”, and then be fine the next day. I suspect that each one of these bouts is slowly but surely, like a frog in hot water, draining me of even more positive momentum.
What I would say is that you’ve got to accept your current situation, make some changes in your life, and get back on the road, even if your future just got a little less bright, and be a little more weary of the metaphorical tests life throws your way. Oh, and take it from, don’t ever put up with bullshit behavior from anyone, stop it immediately the second it starts and throw it out the window. Never settle, fellahs, good luck.
You wrote this post 3 years ago, I would love to know how you are doing now…
When I as 16/17 I always felt that there was a black animal like wolf waiting in the shadows who would take my life when I wasn’t looking. 25 years and 6 suicide attempts later it does not feel as if anything has really changed….I hope it got better for you
I know its been 3 years since you posted this, but i hope you are able to read this. “I wish i could just disappear” is somthing I have always thought. I want to say somthing more but you already wrote everyhing i wanted to say in your post. Honestly I feel like you and me may have been cut from the same cloth or at the very least are very similar in how we feel and think. Hovever I am a boy, no even if I were a girl, I’m pretty sure, I wouldnt be able to “really” understand you at all, even after reading your post.
I am 18 now (so i guess you’re my senior huh?), but i have felt like this for a long time before now and I dont know why!
The only major difference between us (i that i noticed, im guessing there a lot more that i haven’t) is that you’re a lot more braver than me, for example; I could never write a post like you did. It’s only thanks to that very post, that I’m able to reply like this (which is somthing i haven’t done till now). I literally made an account just to reply to you and ask you how have you been since you wrote this post? Also were you able find something/a reason to “start moving”/living/to make you want not to dissapear? If so I’d really love for you to tell me. Sorry if this sounds a bit twisted but reading your post, made my day, However i also teared up cause I felt like i found someone “who knows” or like i said is very similar. Again I really do hope you could tell me if you find that somthing. Actually, even if you didn’t I’d still like to talk to you.
oh I forgot to say the one thing i know for sure other than what has already been said, “I don’t want to die!” and i also hate the word suicide, it literally makes my heart ach whenever i hear it or think it. sorry, other than that your post describes me perfectly.
We most be long lost twins cause i read everything and we are the same, but i am getting tried of waiting i want to disappear already. I am 15. Life is to long but i don’t wanna kill myself. I want to be killed as you said by getting hit by a car or something but then again, my father and me are very close and he said if anything would ever happen to me he wouldn’t be able to stay alive without having medicine or something. I wouldn’t want someone to be scared because they killed me or my family to be hurt to the point where they want to die because of me. I also the same as you never want to wake up i find sleep the only thing i look forward too. I see no point in the future i have made plans and stuff but i loss the interest. I have had hobbies when i get to far in them i get bored and stop cause there is not point. I am a straight forward person and mostly happy. My past is not bad and i don’t really care much for looking in the past. I am at a stand still going nowhere. In the end i find my self just wanting to disappear. Then nobody with be sad for me or i won’t cause any problems and its all on me not anyone else it would be as if i was never there. I keep living because of the people around me no for me. The more i live the less i want to. It is day by day hard. I find myself bored, annoyed at myself, Sad i bit, and restless. When could this stop how long will it be from now?
After 3 years of feeling depressed I have never found anyone who could understand what I was feeling. And this is 100% spot on (even with the math skills). After reading this my mind was blown knowing there is another out there that feels the same “undeserving” pain I feel. I find comfort knowing im not alone. And yes I am sorry to hear you went or are still going through this because I can really relate, but I want to thank you for sharing this, because now I feel less crazy..
This is exactly how i always thought
Everything u said
Mxnaksmmsslmdldmmdd
I Never knew anyone else would think this way
Thank u so much
I seriously dont get why but i just want to not exist and dissappear
I’m in my 20s and I know this post was made a long time ago, but this is how I feel too. I can’t say I have had the most perfect childhood or even adulthood so far, but I don’t want to go into detail.
I don’t want to die. I want to grow and smile and get married, I want to write a book and create so many beautiful things. I want that.
However, I can’t even do any of those things anymore. I try every day to write even just a paragraph or two and end up fucking hating it and deleting it. I try to draw character concepts or even just doodling cute things and I can hardly draw a line before I get discouraged.
I haven’t spoken to my remaining friends in weeks. I have almost none left. I’m not alone necessarily, I won’t describe how for my own privacy, but at the same time I feel like a ghost.
I want to be invisible. I’m so fucking tired of people only seeing my face and what they’ve come to believe I am. I want to be a ghost. But I don’t.
There are so many things I want to do, right? So why would I want to be a ghost? Why be invisible? I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I’ve been on antidepressants and receiving treatments for two years now. I’m just getting worse. I am growing more and more fearful of anything and everything, I lash out at the only loved ones I have left, I’ve noticed my personality becoming more manipulative and I hate it. I say something to make someone feel guilty for not wanting to see me or not having time to talk to me, then immediately after sending it I begin to cry so hard and wish I could vanish into thin air.
I don’t know if I would be better off not existing, because the only people I have left tell me they would be heartbroken or want to die too if I did.
Maybe I just want to be someone else. I honestly don’t fucking know anymore. I don’t feel like that’s the answer either, because the ONE good and perfect and amazing thing I’m clinging to I wouldn’t have if I were someone else.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to talk to or how to feel better even in the slightest way.
I don’t want to be this. I want to be proud of myself I want to smile and laugh and feel the beauty in the world and in others.
I’ve tried. I’m still trying. I’m just terrified that I won’t succeed.
I just wish I could disappear until all of this pain is gone. It’s crushing me and those close to me.
My boyfriend always tells me he feels like he’s failing and is a terrible boyfriend because I feel like I don’t matter and I feel like I can’t smile or live.
It isn’t his fault and I tell him that. I just wish I could stop being this way, I wish I were stronger and that there were an easier answer.
I know wishing isn’t enough, but if I could list everything I’ve tried to change my life for the better, you’d have to spend days reading it.
I can’t tell which way is up or down anymore…
I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be.
I just know that who I want to be is not this.
I’m trapped inside a shadow of myself screaming for help and no one can hear me.
This is not who I want to be.
Wow, so I haven’t visited this website in years. I’m only here now because I just logged into an email account I barely use and saw emails saying there were more comments left on here.
It’s strange to me that people are still reading the words my sixteen year old self wrote. Wrote so desperately and so meaningfully and all just while trying to make sense of what it felt like to be so so so sad and tired of everything and just wanting it to stop without having to do much.
I suppose I’m glad that a lot of people felt understood from reading it. I’m glad that maybe it helped some of you feel less alone, or maybe just helped articulate feelings you hadn’t been able to or whatever.
Now I don’t want to be an annoying ‘It gets better’ type because I know exactly how it feels to be on this site just needing to be heard and understood and just having that outlet for the pain that you feel is so important sometimes. And yet here I am, twenty years old and the happiest I’ve ever been. The future still scares me, but only in the abstract way it scares all young people who don’t yet know what they want to do with their lives. I want to have a future, though. That’s probably the biggest difference between me now and me at sixteen.
I’m trying to pinpoint exactly when it was that I started being okay, that I no longer felt this heavy sad tiredness. I’d say it actually only stopped being so constant a year or so ago. But backing up further I think I stopped feeling quite so… I suppose ‘depressed’ is the word really, I think I was probably quite depressed when I wrote this. Anyway, I think the depression stopped for the most part in the six months to a year that followed me writing this. I honestly don’t know for sure, can’t remember very well and really don’t feel like looking back too hard. I was still unhappy, but that sadness manifested itself in very different ways, I was very very anxious. I remember turning seventeen, the age I could in theory have started learning to drive. I didn’t yet want to because I was scared that a part of me still wanted to die enough to do something dangerous in a car. So I wasn’t okay for a very long time. Without getting into too many unnecessary details, I finished school just over two years after writing this post and by then I was feeling a lot more okay. I wasn’t completely okay, but I was very much on my way. That all shattered when I moved ver far away from home for university. I was spending too much time alone and I was very isolated and the sadness came back and so did the thoughts. I remember how it was for years for me, the constant ‘I could just kill myself’ at the back of my mind- it was just that option that was always there. So yeah, by late 2014 I was pretty much as bad as I was when I wrote this post back in 2012.
But then everything changed.
I hated where I was, and I just eventually realised that if I didn’t do something about it I would either continue feeling flat and unhappy and crying all the time, or I would kill myself. So I chose the third option, and that was leaving my bad university situation and moving back home to get a job before starting again somewhere new the following september. So that;s what I did. The first two months after dropping out of uni were awful, I cried all the time and I was horrible company and I just felt so flat and so lost and just awful, really. But then I got a job and started being busy and I began to be okay again. Better than okay, actually.
I realised around a year ago now, after about two months at that job, that I was the most okay I’d been in years and years. Somehow, I’d learnt how to be happy again. I think I did this by listening only to happy music (I actually got very into One Direction and am now still trapped in 1D and Larry hell- only those also trapped will know what I mean by this!), by being nice and helpful to everyone I came into contact with, by making time to just do nice things for myself, and I guess most of all just being busy. I was finally a happy and mostly okay person. And I still am.
I’m now coming to the end of my first year at university, and this time it’s been much more successful than the last. I like what I’m studying, I have friends, I do fun things, I’m only an hour away from home. Everything’s good. I’m happy and excited for the future!
I do still struggle with what I think is most likely an anxiety disorder of some kind, but I’ve got it under control for the most part. There were definite blips late 2015 but looking back I think they were more situational than they were psychological. Other than that, I’ve been better than I ever thought I’d be.
I think the best advice I gave myself was to start dismissing the bad thoughts I had and still do have. When you’re feeling bad, it can be so hard to get out of that spiral of thinking where everything falls apart and you’re an awful person and you really should just die or something. What I started doing, though, was just telling myself a firm no. I made sure to identify any bad thoughts I was having, and just telling myself ‘no’. I didn’t go deeper than that, I just thought them and then dismissed them and then did something to distract myself. I still sometimes have to do things like this, have to remind myself I’m being illogical.
I now actually really like who I am. I’m kind and I’m clever and I make people laugh. I can write quite well, and I get good marks on my essays even when I don’t really try. I have at least one close friend who I know loves me a lot, and who I love too. I have family not far away and my parents and sister adore me. I can sort of cook and I like to bake and I wear colourful clothes and look good in hats. I’m more active than ever and feel better for it. I like being alone but I also like being with friends and I get along with all sorts of people. I love my cat and I’m great at scrabble and I’m learning how to do the splits. I read a lot and it’s properly springtime now, and in a minute I’m going to finish writing this and go and cook with my lovely flatmate. I am so happy.
My life is so bright and colourful now, even if it’s honestly not very big or exciting or noteworthy. I never imagined when I was sixteen that twenty year old me would be like this, but here I am. I survived and I don’t want to disappear any more. I want to shine.
I wish you all the very very best, and hope you all find your way out of this.
Thanks for letting us know how you’ve been. It’s always nice for someone to update us with good news.
I felt extreme empathy with your case, its actually amazing to see you replying about your progress years later in this website. this reading was quite of a wild ride for me.
Im 20 years old right now, I still cant get out of this mess, which I find extremely similar to the one you faced.
I tried applying the methods that helped you make it out of your depression myself, but to no avail.
If u ever see this message, I would be honored to have a conversation with someone who truly understands this the best. this is my email – guy00160@gmail.com
thank you for making me feel less alone when I needed it.
Hey. I know that this was written 5 years ago but I feel the same way. Ecpecally the parts of being broken and loneliness. I have a near perfect life. A glamours girlfriend, a job which I’m happy in and lots of friends and I’m only 16. The only negative I would say is that the relationship between me and my mum has deteirated over the last 5 months. But like you I don’t want to die. I want to restart my life. It feels weird wanting a near perfect life to end but that’s how I feel.
But for the past 2-3 years, I feel like a different. Ever since my first heart break at the age of 14 (sounds pathetic I know) I’m not sure how I’m different but everything feels more negative. It’s wired as I’m in such a great relationship (nearly 6 months at the time of writing) but I feel broken still and changed by this advent which meant I felt lonely and scared of falling in love for a few years after. And I felt depressed and had plans of ending my life. It’s so stupid.
I have recovered from this but most of the times I’m not far away from tears and it’s not happened before said event above. As the girl said in the main piece, I want to dispear or run away to a new country. I’ve had thoughts if going to Almeria in Spain to start a happy life where there is nothing that can remind me of pain and angry towards myself.
I hope I’m not alone with this and if anyone has read this I send much love to you.
I feel exactly the same way. I just want to dissapear. You can say that my life is perfect. Family, friends, school, economy, i dont have problems with those things. I received so much love as i grew up. My parents really care about me, they put me on top of everything. I fit in so well at my school and i’ve got a pretty good grade. I dont struggle with money, i’ve had just the right amount of money to everything i need. I smile and laugh during the day with my friends. Everything is completely fine, i’m supposed to be happy. But in reality.. i’m not. I feel like i dont deserve to be happy. Everything i received this past 14 years is not meant for me. Someone else deserve that better than me. Idk if im just being ungrateful, its not that, i truly am thankful for them who truly care for me. But i feel like im a burden to them. What if i dont exist? Will they just stay the same way? Or will they be happier? Why do i have to be here? Like why do i exist in the first place?? For what?? I can’t feel that my existence is a big influence to anyone. Im not that talented, not that nice, not even that pretty, not clever enough to be called a genius, im just not good enough.
I dont want my friends to know anything. They already have problems of their own. And its not like i can talk to them about these feelings, they already see me as a ‘perfectly fine’ girl. I never cry in front of them, not even my bestfriends. How could i tell them suddenly about this suicidal thoughts? They must be thinking that im joking.
I self harmed. And i have scars. I dont want people to see my scars. For me, self harming is not a relieve for myself. Its like a reminder of how worthless i am. I dont deserve anything. What i deserve is pain and sadness. My parents dont even see a little hint of sadness within me. They think that im just a ‘well-raised’ daughter. I never cry in front of them anymore. Its hard for me to endure all of this feelings when people around me think that im perfectly fine.
But i see that you’ve overcome this ‘selfish depression’ of yours. I want to overcome mine as well. But i think i’ve still got a long way to go. Because when i feel like everything is fine and i dont have those feelings anymore, the next thing i knew is i cry myself to sleep again. I feel like im in a circle or something. Sad. Depressed. Fine. Happy. Sad again. And it will just repeat all over again. But i dont want to be in that circle forever. I want to stay in one line and that is happy.
I want to be happy.
I read this year’s ago. It helped just reading it. Now here I am back trying to figure out my next move. It was very uplifting seeing you, the original, let us all know that things are going well for you. I’m sure we can all agree we are very happy for you. You mentioned wanting to help those in need, and I believe you helped many of us. Even if it was just us knowing we weren’t alone. Good luck to you, and i hope you don’t find your way back here. Stay in the light.
Exactly how I feel …
Just read this a few moments ago, so I know I’m about as late as they come. I proceeded to read the comments, and I must say, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place where I’ve felt like everyone around me feels or has felt the exact same way that I do now. I’m not sure what exactly I should do now, but it’s nice knowing that other people feel the same.
Hi everyone,
I feel just a little ridiculous because I’m way older than all of you. I’d seem ancient to all of you. I’m married, have 3 gorgeous children and am a nurse, although that hasn’t really worked out for me.
I feel a lot of what you’ve said here though. I don’t want to kill myself either. I don’t want to do that to anyone. Also, frankly, it’s messy and no one needs that. No one needs me vomiting up my neuroses either so I won’t say much more. But I guess I hope all of you are well.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’m going to get things organized in my life I guess. I hate that I’m not alone in this feeling but also I suppose it helps on some level. Like many people I googled and ended up here, which is really not what I was looking for. Haha.
Take care all of you!!
I have to say, your expression are indeed deeply the same as mine. I wish to vanish from this world, leaving all behind me and just….Leave….Forget all, ye just rest….Forever, I just wish to vanish. Not continuing with living, it is hopeless, worthless, lonely, none has helped me the same as thee I have helped them. I have seen multiple therapists, none worked and instead has given me more hatred and anger, I have depression and I am 14. I wish to just kill the past, and just rest…..If anyone has any other thoughts….Contact me: muncievenom@gmail.com
I stumbled upon this post and community through a simple “I want to disappear” google search and I cried reading this post from your 16 year old self because I really, truly and deeply felt your words, in my heart. I went through the means of creating an account just to reply to your post 6 years later although I don’t expect you to log in again… I hope that my thoughts can be read by other like-wise people just as I have been reading all these comments.
I’m 18 years old and I don’t understand what I’m feeling. I think I’m ‘depressed’ but I wouldn’t exactly address myself as such because I’m just not sure. I am extremely sad and self-loathing for sure. I definitely want to disappear from existence however after reading your post I realised that I don’t exactly to die either. But, realistically, as it is the only option for me to fulfill this desire of mine, I couldn’t die by own hands either. I, too, can not put my loving parents in a position where they will blame themselves over my suicide. In my daily travels, to and from university, I hope to be run over by a bus or train however I can’t bear the trauma I would be leaving with the bus/train driver either.
I am also feeling selfish for feeling this way. I have a great family, I have friends (they disappoint me most of the time and I’m neither close to any of them to confide such thoughts as this with them. But I don’t think they care a lot about me to even be bothered by my ‘disappearance’) and I’ve experienced too many happy and accomplished moments to feel this way. I will owe some of this feeling to small traumatic experiences, including bullying that I also experienced in primary school. Although I only began to feel this way when I was 16 years old too. I still have much to learn about this…
(Wow this comment turned out longer than I expected.)
It’s semester break so I’ve disabled all my social media as a means to ‘disappear’ at least from that world. It’s definitely reassuring to know that there are many people who feel the same way as me and it’s especially reassuring to see that you are living a much more
life than 16 year old you .Also, I sincerely hope that the previous commenters above are persevering in this journey well.
ALSO, I love One Direction and became “trapped” as well in 2012.