I’m a 26 year old male, depressed, chronic procrastinator, without any sense of meaning in my life. I hate the world we live in, so much is wrong, greed over morality pretty much sums up most of it, and an ignorance is bliss lifestyle the rest. But that’s the normal QQ; here’s were it gets really pathetic. I hate myself most of all, everyday I wake up and cuss at myself until I can finally summon up the will to get out of bed and face another day of my life. I have nothing, and I know it’s no one’s fault but my own; I shit on every opportunity I’ve had, have, and will have. I’m a fucking virgin at 26, whats worse is I think I could slept with the girl I love, but my fear and embarrassment of myself, my inexperience, my premature ejaculation problem stopped me; I just felt it would’ve turned into a hideous mess; to make it worse I’d just puked from the car journey back to her place and the alcohol (I don’t drink much) I did it without her noticing, that would of been an excuse at least… Then more then a week later I was in the same position, I’d been trying to “psych” myself up, but when it came to it, I realized as I always do how fucking useless and pathetic I am, and I actually laughed when she said do you want to sleep in my bed… I fucking laughed, it was at myself, how I was literally where I’d wanted to be for so long, and I couldn’t. Later I realized what it must have seemed like to her… And now those moments make me scream at myself every day, all my random thoughts grow my self hatred.; now it’s all I have, it’s my being, I can’t see joy in anything, I can’t see myself happy doing anything. I know I deserve to die, for fucking up everything this badly. I hate talking to people, I barely can anymore, the less I talk the worse it gets, it’s coming to the point were I have word salad, fumbling anything I have to say into a incoherent mess, when I do get the courage to say something. I just think of how people see me, that first impression, yup that’s right I’m a fuck up. I won’t go to shrink, there’s other people out there with more to save then whats left of me.
Now I just dream off relief, of getting a propane tank and filling it with ********, and just bringing it all to a nice clean end; but an end to my suffering, isn’t even worth the suffering it might inflict on my poor old mum. She wouldn’t understand that death is better then life for some, I just don’t “fit” in to this world. So for now I just suffer, waiting.
Why write all this? I don’t know, I wanted to tell someone for so long, but my friends and family will be here tomorrow and I fear the looks they’d give me if I told them. So sorry to burden you Suicide Project posters, with another story of a lost soul, but I felt compelled.
6 comments
i feel the exact same way except i never knew how to put it in words, and you said it just perfectly.
i want to start out with telling you your writing skills are really good.. and i enjoy reading how smooth your words come out.
though of course i dont enjoy the fact that you feel this way.. nobody enjoys the feeling n nobody would wish it upon anyone else but i want you to think about it, i think you should go into writing or something you know or just keep letting yourself out ina diary or something.
i got one and have had it for a bit more than a week now and wrote down like 3-4 front and back pages each day and i would always tell myself i Have no thoughts.
i guess when you write it down on paper your self, it just runs right out and i cant wait til next month so i can read back at my so far still shit of a life.. but maybe ill learn from it and think to myself “oh wow! look at this part, you idiot kimberly, you couldve just done (this) differently..”
ahhh to be honest i have absolutely no clue how thisll turn out because just yesterday i swear i was that close to killing myself (very..close) but i thought Maybe just one more day ill give myself, and ill see if i feel this bad tomorrow. my problem is also my mom i dont want her to be sad, she wouldnt understand why i would want to die, shed think its her fault.. so. well
i did feel terrible this morning but not as bad.. and i just started crying on my bed like a big wuss when my little sister came in, ran out and my mom came ten seconds later. she asked me what was wrong and i told her what i could tell her without her getting mad (she doesnt understand too many things) but she tried comforting me and that kinda thing had never happened before, i felt much better.
not amazing but better you know..
i feel for you, i wish we knew each other personally because nobody seems to understand why i always seem sorta down when i really honestly am trying to act the happiest and best i can to please them.
hang in there my friend, we can do this..
Thank you Kimberly, hell I’ll admit it, even your reply has me in tears. And thanks for commenting on my writing, I’ve often thought about it, your right I should just start writing anything, even if it’s just my feelings.
I know how you feel with your mum, so many times my mum’s asked me “what’s wrong?” How do you tell someone that loves you, your broken inside? I’m glad your mum gave you some comfort, I’m always fighting with my mum, it’s like you say, she just can’t understand. Take comfort from them both, I’m living alone now, and it gets lonely, too lonely. My older brother’s lives close, but I don’t want to bother him too much, he’s my best friend and I still can’t even talk to him about this stuff.
I was the same today, I got back from work and wrapped my head in the covers and sobbed; I think I did OK today, but I always second guess myself. But your message has cheered me up a bit! Not amazing you know… but much better. 🙂
I’ll try hanging in, it’s all I can do for now, and I hope things get better for us all.
I just need something to live for
Live for your mother whom we both know you love. Live for me<3..i want you to walk, alive on this planet with me. Live for yourself.. We dont want you to leave us. It would break our hearts<\3 i know every day os a struggle, we have that in common. Depression, we have that in common too-and its out to destroy us!..haha hows about me and you play with life. All these negative things we humans get (depression, i donno-rejection, bad news), lets think of them as competition in some game n whenever we start thinking something like "i want to die" see the phrase standing in your face, think of it as ur target and tell it Nope! Youre not getting me his time bubba! Neverrr!..ptew ptew! hahaha. Idk just fiddling with ideas here.
Hmmh but yes, my moms that way too and i also wondered what my mom would say but..ok to be honest, what i decided was: Well, if im about to die anyways-why not express myself to my mom which is something id never done since all she ever does is disagree with my every word and yell and argue. But when i did and she saw me crying to the point where i couldnt breathe i think she felt a motherly..instinct? or whatever you know.. Jesus idk if im making sense rightnow even, im so sleepy i bet i sound stupid to you dont i haha im sorry :T
Well youll be my buddy (if you dont mind?) and well be buddues together,
And well stay alive for one another, i promise i will<3
we know we understand the emotions we feel because theyre the same ones in both of us..and so whenever we think of death. Say, no. For my buddy.
I want to check with you everyday. I want to know youre still with me..will you do this with me?
P.S. SERIOUSLY, if i sound dumb and this messge doesnt make very much sence (bet it doesnt huh) i am so sorry im sleepy as hell but atleast my heart was pourn out ..brains sorta not at my hearts level. Damn you dodo brainkim..
Blahh i cant stop saying sorry i feel like i sound dumb to you but im not kidding… I care for you
Thanks again Kim (hope you don’t mind that. 🙂 ) Not sure I’m strong enough to shoot down my bad thoughts, but I’ll give it a go.
I’ll be your buddy, here’s me checking in for today, you can email me too if you want lu_tze@ymail.com
You make perfect sense, don’t worry about that; I hope you had a good sleep and if not feeling great today at least not too bad!
It means a lot that someone cares, you must be a fantastic, kindhearted soul; remember that!
lutze! i think you typed the email wrong or something.. you still there? ..buddddy ;(
I’m still around 🙂 Happy to see you are too! That’s my email address no mistakes, try copy, paste.