Hi

Don’t you hate it when you take a dump and ur dick falls asleep along with ur leg? Happenes to me all the time, probably poor blood circulation for a 17 year old…

I wrote this 3 days ago and since wordpress doesn’t let me write on my iphone without lag, I just copy and paste it which is easier.

My dad pissed me off a bit. Between the facts I know and the facts he knows, we are both ignorant of each other. I tell him what I heard and he tells me that he’s older and therefore he has all the brains and knows his shit making my argument invalid. Pisses me off, he always seems to think like that. I’m not sure whether who is right, but my fact I said was “when I hit 18 then I can skip the written test and just have to pass the driving test at the DMV but my dad did his thing saying he’s absolutely superior to me because he’s an old man. Ignorant piece of shit is what I think. 

Whether he is right or not isn’t what pissed me off. At first I was angry that he was saying I was wrong yet I’m pretty sure I’m right. Then he says my argument is invalid as his age means he’s smarter in every way saying he’s right. 

And this is something else, I feel indifferent right now so yeah.

I appear to be too gullible at many times. I’m easily influenced by others, with the exception of being ignorant at times just like my dad. 

I take forever to make decisions, and almost never make those decisions myself. I need my parents to do everything for me. Or else nothing gets done. I want to start exercising more and get in shape so that going into the army will be easier for me if I’m muscular and strong, and it will show I’m healthy, be more attractive, and pass the training. But problem is, I can’t seem to make the choice of going for it and doing the work. I stutter when someone asks me what I want to do even after I was told to do whatever, I rarely brush my teeth as disgusting as that may be. I almost never do my homework. 

Is there a disorder characterized as being to gullible? I read a book about crime and law and there’s a guy named Alfred Brinkley who kills 5 people in a ferry. He was in a state hospital 15 years prior for depression and schizoaffective disorder, since he can’t distinguish reality from fantasy and has voices in his head. He gets put in jail during the trial and bashes his head on the wall repeatedly. He gets put on suicide watch, and my desire for suicide comes back. I was told on OSP that I may have a bit of OCD. It’s possible since I hate non-symmetrical objects and what-not, I bite my teeth in a constant pattern (ex. Left side, right, middle 4x each) and other stuff if that counts as part of it. I do the same for cracking my knuckles and fingers (4x each). Maybe that’s something else, but I thought I might have bipolar disorder, since I feel may change my mood quickly, but then also when I’m in the same room at my moms house as my brother, I get easily irritated, whether it’s something I haven’t realized yet or from the past or even that my dad and he have many of the same interests and whatnot making him seem like him and I  begin to hate him. 

Also I seem to be allergic to my pain meds, since my mom noticed swelling in my face after taking the meds. I kind of want to experiment with the meds and take higher doses, hoping my throat closes up and I die or I get high off of them. The good aspect of it is that I can make an attempt to get a medical card so I get medical weed since pain meds wouldn’t help me. 

Also, apparently that book I’m reading by James Patterson, with Alfred Brinkley, The 6th Target has a part where Alfred witnessed the death of his sister. And here’s the kicker, she and him were having sex. Incest is included into that, if I believed in signs from God, then he must be asking me to go for it with my cousin. I bet you all disagree with my statement, right? Since you don’t believe love between cousins is right.

Even though it might not matter at all to you, I’m going to explain myself. I believe that when I’m in love with my cousin, then I feel a deep desire to be with her and please her in every which way. She confessed to me that she likes the idea of fellatio (giving a blowjob) as I like the idea of fellatrix (oral sex on female). That excited me since I have a penis and hormones, I absolutely am in love with her, but just because all guys must want is sex, then I must have no heart and only seek sex, right? I love my cousin, but firstly I never take risks, and need to change that, or else I might as well be dead since no risk-taking means getting no where in life. Sorry for mind-less details, if someone wants, they can proofread my rant and put it in a less confusing order. 

I have sexual desires and at times (like now), masturbation doesn’t seem to quench my lust. It will keep me away from a deep horniness in my loins, but won’t satisfy me. I have masturbated for the sole reason as to not desire sex. 

Goddammit my mind is reeling with 3 things at a time and then it shuts down leaving me with nothing except this sentence… 

I love Jasmine, just because incest is on my mind doesn’t mean I am only searching for sex. Ever since she came here, I NEVER thought about sex with her. I just wanted her to be with me, especially since she’s attractive and I want to protect her. Her ex-boyfriend asked her if she wanted to get pregnant by him so she could stay in T.O. High School with him. She confided in me with that, now she goes to Moorpark and that kid Jose is a fucking moron. I want to kick his ass. He even asked her once if she wanted to have sex with him. I told her to text him why? He told her because he loves her. That fucking pissed me off, I always thought as myself being a romantic I guess, being that shy, sensitive guy and thought he was too almost until he said that. I understand sex doesn’t mean love. I try to separate those two in my mind as two separate things. I want sex with her to get it over with and so my lust could go down, also I want to please her in those sexual ways, but then I also want to get intimate with her, and that’s a shortcut in a way. I may sound like an idiot, but fuck it. I don’t want to take risks all the time, and I know some are bad to take with heavy consequences. I understand that. 

Anyways, after my chat with the SPers on here, I begun to think about if I did do anything with Jasmine, then I’d be just like that stupid ass Jose and that is fucking me over. I want to beat his ass up for thinking like a dumbass, also he hangs out with a freshman named Hunter that is such a stupid little white boy who pretends he’s badass. Those two are like the morons who I’d love to shoot with an M82 rifle (anti-material rifle, leaves a big mess of carnage), because the world would be a better place without them. Hunter was in 5th grade when he said he was badass at skateboarding and said he could kickflip. He ended up busting his lip and crying to his mommy banning the use of skateboards at our elementary school (K-6 Grades). Now that morons friend getting with my cousin and asking to fuck pissed off the shit out of me. He has a mexican accent and thinks screaming white power while doing the Nazi salute and flashing his donkey like laugh is cool. I would punch his teeth in if I knew how to take risks. I never got into a fight though. Been wanting to so I could “prove my worth” to both myself and my peers. Sorry if I wrote a rant against Jose and Hunter the whole time but those two are morons and people I’d like to kill. I guess I have that appearance as well since my friends picked on me all the time.

Back to the present… I want to make love to my cousin for both the fact that I believe I should have sex with the person I love, because I hate all that shit morals and all that. But then again I know there’s a sexual lust that I have for my cousin that causes me to want to do with her. I think of it as I want to have sex with her and release that pent up pressure for losing my virginity, lusting my cousin, and just plain sexual desire, and then also being able to get closer to my cousin since we will either be a lot closer to each other, have sex more often, or just stay away from each other cause it’s too awkward… If its the first one, then I hope we can be secretly together (I always imagined sneaking a kiss or two between us when alone or with our other select and trustworthy cousins (my cousin Jocylene is no longer with that group since she’s a fucking snitch). Sorry if I am suddenly angry, even thinking about my cousin’s ex is pissing me off (how gullible I am with emotions affecting me through anything). 

My brother distracted my writing my personal notes so I don’t know what else to say. I told my brother how our dad hasn’t helped me with my depression and gotten me a therapist to see what I have, so I go on suicideproject.org for my venting and ranting about my depression (in those exact words, except I intergrated my quote into the sentence, thanks to my english teachers help on that. ) My phone has no service and this was the day I was going to call either my cousin or Bethany and flirt and whatnot. Instead my mom hasn’t paid the bill and I’m writing a rant that may be five pages long by now. I won’t ***** about it since I’m not paying the bill, but whatever. I’m becoming ignorant of everything again, may be my stopping point for this rant. Also for the sex with my cousin, it’s oral sex with her not intercourse, so it isn’t as horrible. Also I have been reading many stories with happy ending that don’t involve children who look like mythological creatures (ex. cyclops). There’s a 3% chance of defects in children if I have children with another Mexican, and it doubles when having incest, so with that logic then I can’t be with the same race or else it’ll be wrong, right? I have to include that fact to both show I think about it and to keep commenters from asking if I want to have retarded babies, because my last post didn’t include that fact. So from now on I will repeat that fact in every one of my posts to etch it into your minds.

I do believe I can fall for more than 1 person, mostly due to the fear of getting heartbroken by my cousin or by some miracle lose interest in her. I love Bethany and want to say I am absolutely in love with her, because she told me she’s falling for me. Oh yeah, what’s better? Falling in love with a stranger that lives in some other state that I don’t know if she’s a sexual predator (that I met after putting my textnow app phone number on a sex stories site stories.xnxx.com) or my wonderful and amazing cousin whom I have fallen hopelessly in love for? I don’t know which is worse, there’s a low chance of me skipping the army to be with one or the other, but since I hate babies, (crying, pooping, loudness, and taking care of them, I don’t find them cute at all, or see any resemblance between them and the parents, other than eye and hair color) I was thinking of marrying Bethany, getting her pregnant and being in the Army (I know it’s stupid but children I cannot see myself taking care of a baby, especially with suicidal tendencies and depression) until a few years/months later I come back and live together happily. I am close to becoming an adult, just 1 1/2 years to go. I need to plan it out if I can even get the motivation I desire. I can’t decide between anything. When I posted the textnow number, I met a couple people including a guy and his sister kim who have sex every day and with their dad and mother and whether or not what he says is true or just something in his fucked up mind (he said he likes fucking his babies to a bloody pulp and getting fucked by his dad and a horse) or both, but he says sex with his sister is remarkable. I have talked to him about whether or not I should go for doing stuff with Jasmine and both SPers and he have swayed my decision. My throat tickles as I think of it as I imagine a cartoon in my head of a shady character (I never give myself a mental description since I hate myself so I just go with I’m just there, tied to a rope of tug of war between SPers (old people for some reason) and Kim and her brother (strong buff people) even though you people have more experience and theres more of you the buff people or kim and her brother are more moving and I think of suicide is the easy way out and it tickles my throat, probably an early sign of crying since I think of jumping off the cliff you guys play tug-of-war over allowing me to go with you guys, or kim, or just die and not choose. I hate choices though. 

Shit, I forgot what else I was going to say since I imagined myself explaining this long as rant to my brother instead which may be foolish since it has things I don’t want to tell him. I keep looking at my vitamin water and think it looks like a penis head around the top… Anyways I don’t know what to say. 

I took double my daily dose of ibuprofen, hydrocodon, and penicillin together, hopefully it knocks me out early. I should wash my clothes since I need a fucking shower since it’s been almost a week as disgusting as it seems… I should wash my pants or maybe take a shower and and find some clothes or something, but I won’t most likely. Maybe I will stay awake in the middle of the night and wash my hair as to not worry about people noticing I have dandruff or my face won’t be oily tomorrow. My desire to do anything has been reduced to what ifs I guess… I want to stop talking, but I can’t do much else if I did. Maybe resume my book even though there’s very few pages left, maybe read through the DMV handbook thing so I don’t keep failing that stupid written test… Or just go to bed and not clean myself up. Suddenly I’m so depressed, my voice in my head is melatone or whatever it’s boring voice now. The drugs aren’t working yet, so it could be the sugar pill effect where I think my thoughts are slurred or something… Or it’s really working. Or it’s just my mood suddenly went down. Maybe I have an extra pair of clean pants lying around. Then I can shower off the shit off me. Maybe I should shave… It’s 8:40 P.M. On Wednesday and i wrote all this… Talk to you on Friday or something…

I like Alfred Brinkley. If I were insane, and met him during his military training or at the state hospital I would be best friends with him. Maybe helped him rape his sister and kill her. Too bad though, that it’s just a book with another stupid happy ending. Why are there only happy endings? That bullshit bores the fuck out of me, the clique of happy endings pisses me off. Why not have a realistic one where the guy gets shot by a stray bullet or purposely shot or loses the girl and the end scene is him jumping off a building to his doom. Maybe scary movies are the only good movies… I got influenced by Brinkley being legally insane. I’m sorry, my favorite character in Pokemon was ditto cuz it was like every Pokemon in one. Imagine I get sent to an asylum? I would be deemed insane when they check me out after I meet my roommates and whatnot haha. Why is roommates spelled with 2 M’s that’s stupid. From now on I’m going to write room mates with a space, because it’s stupid when it’s compounded. I need some weed goodnight…