Suicide has been very much on my mind for a long time. For as long as I remember, the thought of putting an end to my life would come up whenever I experienced pain, confusion, unhappiness. Pouf! Jump off the window and put an end to all that! That urge to jump into the air remains with me. I do consider other ways of killing myself from time to time, sleeping pills, hanging…hanging particularly appeals to me despite the gruesome sight of someone hanging from a rope. I don’t think I will act on those feelings. I have a child for whom I am responsible. She doesn’t have anyone else. Also, my younger brother committed suicide, 24 years ago. He shot himself. I know what suicide does to those left behind. It maims them for the rest of their lives. Time never dulls the pain. My brother’s death remains excruciatingly painful.
So what now? I keep on asking myself this question over and over again. I know all the steps for treating depression, and taking care of oneself. Seeing a therapist, taking small steps every day to make oneself feels better. Exercise, meditate, eat healthy, avoid stressful situations, take one day at a time. Try to take charge of life again. I have successfully recovered from depression many times, to fall back in it. It is so tiring to have to fight it all over again. With age, you loose your resilience.
Now what ails me? feelings of loneliness, self-hate, feeling of underachievement. Getting rid of my high expectations may help me find some relief, accept to live life simply, accept my place in it.
Reading through the posts on this site today I realised that irrespectively of the circumstances and the objective conditions of one’s life, thoughts of suicide are insidious, obsessive, overpowering. It is the final solution, an end to the never ending feelings of misery and pain. There is the promise of respite, of peace, of oblivion, of total silence, and of a large expanse of white. Whiteness all around, and a feeling of nothingness. Sometimes suicide is the appropriate solution. I know it isn’t in my case, and it wasn’t in the case of my brother. Killing himself at 16 was a terrible thing to do to himself–beautiful and gifted as he was–to me, and to my parents.
So what now? I have to go back again to the drawing board, and design and work on my recovery, for the nth time. Will I succeed? Will that urge to fling myself from the balcony stop haunting me or do I have to chase it away, and resist its lure over and over again?
3 comments
That’s what I’m doing. Going back to the drawing board, back to basics.
Wow, twenty fours years is a long time to be suffering, I am alot like you, my life was normal enough up to about 19 when people started dieing around me, my life fell apart, i have been adicted to drugs and i even lived on the streets for a few months. I have seen pain, and i have wollowed in self pity and remorse and its intoxicating. Im now 25, clean and sober and have a full time job and my life back.
Your a true warrior to have faught depression this long. I am sorry about your brother, But he made his decision, you have one to make now. You can dress it up all you want, you can people would be better off, But i Think in your case it comes down to one question now,
Can you abandon your child?
Your child is the only real and pure thing you will ever create. I hope you fight the goos fight until your old and grey, I hope your child grows up strong, i hope you can be at their wedding, babysit their children, and die in a comfortable bed many years from now with your family at your side.
I guess i dont really know what to say, i have no idea what you have been through, i know i will be battling depression and bi polar for some years to come. At least I hope i will.
And i can tell you that your story has strenghted my resolve, I can be happy, you can be happy. So we will be.
I hope….
unique thank you. I hope so too.