my mom and i made up i guess. she started bitching at me after i helped her with video taping something and she told me that she is relieved im leaving. idk it hurt that she thinks that im such a bad person and im really trying… today i started talking about stuff with my friends mom that i used to be really close to. its the first time seeing her in ages. it felt good to talk to someone but i think somehow she knew i was lying about being better and she looked worried when i told her i took myself off my […]
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Day At A Time
One day at a time  that’s my new motto I dont think ahead or back and just put on blinders. Im still trying to get everything figured out in my life and still really haven’t expressed my thoughts to anyone. It kills me literally to keep these thoughts inside but If I tell someone itll just make everything worse. I dont know why im so fascinated with suicide and it pops up even when im having a fun time. I feel stuck and that somehow I still havent gained full closure over my accident or my life.
K, made it through today, still on the right track, my child is so delighted to have me visit with her for Christmas, she is genuinely happy to have me stay with her, and I am genuinely happy to be staying with her. One day at a time, one moment at a time. I have faith (even if I am not feeling it much) in my mind I keep telling myself it will all work out, it will all come together and I will get that job and be able to move and support myself. I am putting my faith in my […]
So it is Sunday today, slept on the couch in the place I am now living.
The roomy kept coming out in the middle of the night to see if I was
going to go to my room to sleep, which I had no intention of doing ‘cuz
it is lonely in there and I prefered the distraction of the television.
I need to make it to Tuesday for the appointment to get my life back
on track. Then I will set another goal to buy myself a few more days of life.
Why do I need to “buy” or set a target to […]
Nothing left to live for… once chance at giving them a nice life…
by codeslinger
written by codeslinger
I have been addicted to drugs for half of my 30 years on this earth…. I thought if I got married and had some children that it would fill the hole in my heart.  I was able to stop using for a little while, but the desire to get high never goes away. I started using again and eventually my wife took my kids and filled a PFA to keep me away from them. I have never hurt her or the kids, but now I am looked at like a wife-beat. I despise those people who hit women, and that’s what hurts the most…
I do not want my kids to look at their junkie dad […]
I’ve tried everything to get better. Meds, therapy, at least 7 hospital stays, vitamins, diet, ECT…10 years i’ve been in this hell! My last episode has lasted all of this year and most of last year, without a break!! I’m never happy for longer than half a day at a time and that happens very rarely (maybe once a month). I’ve been suicidal for over 7 months since my ECT treatment failed to help me. I’ve seen over 8 psychiatrists and none have helped. My current doctor’s only suggestion was to come off meds entirely (cause they do nothing) and find a new therapist. That’s it. […]
I can’t thank you enough for talking to me last night! I was on my way out! I had letters written and the rope hung and I would be gone right now. I don’t think you realize how much you helped me by just listening and encouraging me! I will never forget it! May sound dramatic but you saved my life! I’m doing what you told me to do I’m taking it one day at a time and if that gets to much I go to minute to minute! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I woke up another morning. I saw my therapist this morning and told her nothing of my plans to kill myself or how bad the urge has gotten. How much I think about death. That I don’t see myself making it another month. What’s the point in counseling?? You can’t be honest…you tell them that you want to die and you will be thrown in a mental hospital which in my experience does nothing but make you wanna cut more and wanna die. I’ve done what I was supposed to do..i got “help”, I take the medicine everyday and I do all the coping […]
Because I feel like I’m okay for only a day at a time.
Because I can’t be happy without feeling guilty.
Because even when I’m seeking help, I don’t feel helped.
Because being in therapy makes me feel like I’m crazy.
Because being told everything is okay, only feels condescending.
Because today I carved the word horrible into my own thigh, and forgot one of the ‘r’s.
Because when I’m told ‘I love you’ I don’t feel it.
Because I stay in a relationship when all I feel is used.
Because what is important to me is not important to anyone else.
Because the simple things are the hardest.
Because I can’t sleep without crying.
Because I […]
I guess I should start from the beginning. My name is Sunshine. Well not really, but its an alias. I don’t care if my punctuation is that great either. I have been there. Maybe my life hasn’t been as bad as a lot of people, but I am fighting my own demons. I have always felt like an outsider. I have a list of things wrong with me. I don’t currently take any medication for anything either. I have attempted suicide as well as have cut in the past. I still get very depressed every so often. And I don’t like talking about it because […]
Suicide has been very much on my mind for a long time. For as long as I remember, the thought of putting an end to my life would come up whenever I experienced pain, confusion, unhappiness. Pouf! Jump off the window and put an end to all that! That urge to jump into the air remains with me. I do consider other ways of killing myself from time to time, sleeping pills, hanging…hanging particularly appeals to me despite the gruesome sight of someone hanging from a rope. I don’t think I will act on those feelings. I have a child for whom I am responsible. […]