What is this, a poem for ants!
Oh terrible and wretched affliction
thine own self bestowed unknown trickery
Repressive eclipse—
Waking moments turned jaded reverie
Respite after paroxysm episodes
Plead for thine eyes; life’s mirage. Soft spoken,
drink blissful nepenthe—
and descend forth to tenebrous token
This is the first time I’ve ever publically posted/said that I am in as much pain as I am. I’ve hidden it for years, even when I was a young teen. When I was little I thought everybody had bad days like mine: times when the world looked grey, when even speaking was difficult, when my soul felt sucked from me. I’m too afraid to truly come out and tell anyone around me how I really feel. They’ll all just say “Just put on a smile and look on the bright side” or “It’ll be okay, just buck up”. Can’t anyone see that I can’t […]
Today I lay awake trying to will myself to my chores, with a man whom I am not inspired by, with a child I have no motherly passion for I do today entertain my weary mind while I work with the song of the shirt.
With fingers weary and worn, With eyes heavy and red, A woman sits in unwomanly rags, Plying a needle and thread, In poverty hunger and dirt, She lifts her head and sings the song of the shirt
“Work Work Work
While the cock is crowing in the dawn on the roof
and Work Work Work
Till the stars shine on the roof
To this life I […]
There is a man, clad in black
Who follows me around
Wherever I go
He is feared by many
But not by me—not usually
He used to follow me from a distance
Teasing me, staying just out of sight
But now, whenever I turn my head
I see him looking over my shoulder
Always there, a silent companion,
A guardian, I pray
My dear silent companion
Bold and unafraid
I cannot seem to shake him
No matter where I hide or turn
But I want him to stay;
Without him I’m afraid
I hate him when I lie awake
And he wiggles […]
The dreams call to me
Listen, listen they whisper
We’ll show you who you really are
So I delve in hopeful, full of wonder and disregard for the waking hell I live in
Hoping for some kind of respite
Some relief from the pain I feel
But what I find is more than just real
I see myself in all my flaws
Grasping and the wind where my life just had been
All my loves all my joys all the reasons I live to wake for
Shown to me to hold once more
Before I wake and find I’m torn
Between these blissful nightmares and this despairing reality
Where love had been now replaced by hate
In dreams I […]
I’ve been a kind of a fixture on SP for several months – some know me – others have never seen me. Some like me, some respect me, others hate me and think I’m full of crap and retarded.
I care about everyone – and I try to be positive and upbeat – strong for those who don’t feel they can take another step. I don’t “want” any of us to be here but that just isn’t realistic. and for many of us, ‘here” is a small piece of flotsam in and angry sea that will eventually but surely take us all … preferably when we’re old and grey … […]
To let go
The mass – now too great to endure
Arms weary and swollen
Thwarting the barrier’s fall since birth
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 Drained
limbs are lowered
Spirit broken
The partition falls
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One last turn . . .
One last time. . .
One final gaze. . .
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Leaving all that is good in the world behind
Stepping over the rubble of the once great wall
To the other side
Where the soil grows only indiscretion
And torment
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If only . . .
Another rootless soul wanders along . . .
Places limbs upon the wall . . .
Allowing a brief […]
Suicide has been very much on my mind for a long time. For as long as I remember, the thought of putting an end to my life would come up whenever I experienced pain, confusion, unhappiness. Pouf! Jump off the window and put an end to all that! That urge to jump into the air remains with me. I do consider other ways of killing myself from time to time, sleeping pills, hanging…hanging particularly appeals to me despite the gruesome sight of someone hanging from a rope. I don’t think I will act on those feelings. I have a child for whom I am responsible. […]
I’ve lurked here for quite a while now. I’ve spent the last few years suffering on and off with “depression”* of increasing regularity and severity. I came out of my last depression only 2 weeks ago and now it’s starting up again. Every down is getting longer than the respite preceding it and I don’t want to live like that. Tonight was the first time it hit me while out and about. One minute I was sitting down with a drink actually trying to enjoy myself and the next I was punching the shit out of a wall because I was suddenly overwhelmed. I don’t […]
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