this is really hard for me to post this.

i feel like i should. but I’m so nervous about even sharing it with people i will never know.

it started back when i was about 13. I felt really down. I didn’t really have any main friendship groups. I was having trouble with my family ad i just always had this feeling of being useless. I held a blade to my wrist. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing. I just felt like this was a way to make the pain seem real. and i still have scars there today 3 years later. This went on for about half a year. and suddenly things just seemed to get better. And the knife was put away. I thought to myself it was nothing. Just a rough patch, so i let it be. When i was 15, i started having these really weird mood swings. Like i wouldn’t be able to get up without staring in the mirror and crying. And then i’d be so happy, like something never felt before. During those sad days i cried. So much. One night i walked to a bridge and i was just about to jump. I had had it. It made my head hurt so much. I got a call from my parents telling me if i didn’t come home right now i would not be allowed out for the rest of the month. I stepped off the bridge and walked home. I was thinking that finally i could explain to them, what i had been keeping inside. I got home to my parents yelling at me for not telling them where i was. I told them i had tried to kill myself. I told them i was sick of everything and i was having trouble. My mum laughed at me. My dad said nothing and i got grounded for the rest of the month. The thing that hurt so much, was the laugh. It had taken so much to try to tell them that. It broke me. After that, i lost trust in anyone. I just tried to get through my life for the next couple of months. Trying to push it all away. I managed for a while. But thats the thing with mental problems. They always come back. You think there gone and they always come back to hurt you. Later that year, I started having more of these mood swings. Then came the summer holidays and I would go through this emotional abuse by my mum everyday. Ever since i was young she had forced me to be older and be doing older stuff than i should have to. She was never around for my childhood. I had no family holidays, No family outings. Everyday after primary school i would have to sit in my parents office for 3 hours while they worked and i had to be absolutely silent. I wasn’t allowed to speak. I would get yelled at for money troubles when i was 6. I got told my dad had alzhimers and i had to look after everything. And anything that happened was my fault. I had been forced to from older than i should. And when i reached high school i was told that i was too young to do anything. Too young to spend the night at friends. Too young to watch movies. I was being restricted. Everyday she would tell me how my sister is always better than me. How i can’t do anything right. How i can never be good enough. Why aren’t i skinny enough. I lost 10 kilos over 4 weeks and my mum congratulated me coz now i wasn’t such a chubby. I spent christmas crying myself to sleep. On New Years i tried so hard to make a promise to be good to myself. I had a breakdown the next day. This year has been the worst. I started self harming. Thighs, wrists, arms, stomach. I started having these panic attack type things. One time i was walking home and i couldn’t breathe because i thought someone was following me, and i was so scared. But there was no one there. I would lie in bed and think someone was watching me and think i see someone. But its always in my head. Things would always be scary. Going to school I know everyone is staring at me. Everyone is judging me. Sometimes i hear people telling me all my faults. I don’t know who says it. But they are saying it at me. Things went from bad to worse. i fell pregnant to my boyfriend. I wasn’t thinking it was a complete accident. I was unable and still have not told my parents. Because they would have not hesitated to kick me out of home, and i would be kicked out of my school as soon as they found out. I had no choice but to have an abortion. So at 15 i lost a child. At first i thought it was nothing. Then i saw it was about 10 weeks in. I saw an ultrasound before it happened. All the nurses commented on how old i looked when they found out my real age. It has been 2 months since i lost that baby. Everyday i remember everything. I feel the guilt. The fact that no one knows what i have had to do. When someone talks about abortion i feel like being sick. I remember the photo. It had tiny little hands. It was going to be a child. The childs only chance at life and i ruined it in about 20 minutes. From that day it got worse. It went downhill quickly. Some nights i would see people telling me to hang myself. To ruin myself because i am a murderer. Some nights i don’t remember. I cry myself to sleep. Once a friend saw the cuts on my thighs. And told me am i crazy just sitting there and running a blade across myself. And to get over it. Sometimes i have seen people see scars or cuts. And not say anything, just stare at me like I’m a disgusting animal. I try to not look in the mirror anymore. Because every time i break down. Just yesterday, i felt that there were little bugs biting all over my skin. There was nothing. One night i had a breakdown i don’t remember, my dad hit me and told me to stop and i had to stay in my room all night and not come out. I was screaming and crying and my dad asked me had i done my homework yet. They never understand. I want this to stop so much. I barely sleep anymore. Going to school is becoming harder and harder. Getting up is close to impossible. I have good days. Days were the sun is shining. But there are the days were nothing works. I have to go to the bathroom during class because i can’t control the tears. my thighs are battered, scarred and bleeding. i tried to kill myself three times this year. One time i was with someone else and i don’t even remember doing it but he told me i was trying to choke myself in the middle of the night. I am so scared of myself. I can’t be left alone, but all i want to be is left alone. My school has school counsellors and so many times i have walked past the office thinking i could go in there and maybe they can help. But every time i remember my mum laughing at me. I remember people looking at me like that. And i can’t, Physically i can’t tell anyone. I know how much they will judge me. Everyday i hide behind a smile. Hide behind earphones. I wish teachers would notice me suddenly failing classes. Not being able to do work because every time i try i end up crying and breaking down. I have people say that suicidal people are selfish, not thinking about others. Im starting to realise how selfish i am. I take things to literally. I can’t control myself. I will never be what i want. I try so hard. But you get to the end of how far you can go. I wish there was someone i could tell who would help me but I’m to embarrassed. People will laugh at me. Just like they laugh at me everyday. So now at 16. This will i fear be the last leg of my life. The end i know is coming closer. The blood is running thicker. The cuts are deeper. My skin doesn’t have enough space to fit them all. The only way i can make the pain feel real is by these cuts. Everything else, is in my head. Is stupid. Is turning me crazy. So many problems. And no solution to any of it.

I gave up on God, i gave up on my family and friends, I’ve given up on myself. The moment i give up on what i have left i know will be that final straw. My head always hurts. I can’t control anything. I just want to be normal, beautiful and happy. I’m so exhausted.

I just wanted to let let some people know what i feel like. Doing this makes me so scared. To scared to click post. But i will.

Because i want people to know, that even though i can’t take that step for help. You can. Anyone who feels this way. Please catch it when it starts. Don’t let it get worse. Please, the sooner you feel lost. Please ask someone for help. It will only get worse for you if you don’t. I just wish i had the guts to tell someone when it started. But now i really think its to late