I know how it feels..

I know how it feels to be sad. Depressed. Like no one cares. Like you don’t want to live anymore. I feel that right now. I would think a lot on how would I kill myself. Finally I made up my mind.. I wasn’t going to hang myself, or cut my throat or wrist. I figured the best way was to over dose. What could happen. I wouldn’t feel the pain. I would just take the pills and go to sleep. No big deal. I would say no one would care. I am just some ugly stupid girl  who is stupid and worthless. I am sitting here right now telling myself, no one loves me. No one cares. Just go over dose. I don’t need to feel this pain anymore. But sadly I cant over dose.. I am to scared. But this pain is killing me. Sometimes I just wish someone would see it in my eyes and reach out to me. I am tired of being lied to. I feel worthless having people lie to my face. I want to cut but I know my addiction will start again so I am choosing not to. It’s hard for me to go through this life feeling alone and worthless. I mean if god was going to make me feel this way why would he put me on this earth. Why is he doing this to me and not some other person. My conclusion to that is that god love me and knows I can handle this. It might hurt really bad but he knows you can go through with it. He is going to make your life better. I was thinking about my addiction to cutting and I realized I don’t want to do that anymore. In 10 or 20 years from now I don’t want my little kid to come up to me and say, “Mommy how did you get those scars on your wrist/arm.” When that moment comes I don’t know if I will be able to look my kid and the face and tell them the truth about my cutting or lie and say I feel when I was little. Of course when they get older I might tell them. I don’t want people like me to feel alone and helpless. Someone out there does care. I mean for all of you reading this I am here for you through whatever your going through. The feelings that are going through me right now hurt. They really do. I use the suicide project to get out my feeling and to let me be heard. Maybe I am not the only one out there that feels this way. Who knows a kid at my school could feel the same way. But these feelings inside you are not worth hurting yourself over. Yeah sure you feel alive and better for a second. But after that you wish you wouldn’t have hurt yourself. For example, when I had the feeling  of being alone, useless, stupid, ugly, all the emotional pain that I felt, well it would go away once I dragged that blade into my skin and felt that blood come out. Yeah I felt alive and the emotional pain was gone, but after a couple of minutes physical pain was left. My cuts would hurt. I would barley move my arm without it hurting. And when they started to heal they itched like crazy. I wish my life wouldn’t be like this I truly do. I remember in preschool and kindergarten I was the happiest little girl you would ever know. Since 1st grade and on I haven’t been the same. The last time I remember being happy was when it was pet day. I was in kindergarten. I got to bring in my chow chow. That’s the last time I remember being happy. To be completely honest, I have been happy lately because of a boy named Jacob, but sometimes he was the one that caused me to cut. We are always on breaks and he has lied to me. But I cant stop myself from not going back to him… The reason I am depressed and down right now is because we are one a break and he says he doesn’t have a girlfriend and yet people have told me he does. Of course I believe him because for the longest time he has been the only person I can actually trust. I posted on his facebook after hanging out and said “I had a great time today. Hopefully we can hang out tomorrow.” Well this girl Jayla commented on it and started saying he has a girlfriend and I need to back off. It really brought me down. Now this girl Jayla is like me. She has cut before. We use to talk a lot about it and how we wish it could change. But she somewhat cut for attention. And she was a big liar. So being who I am we still talked but I didn’t take anything she said to heart now knowing she is a liar. I would be nice and ask her how she has been and we would still talk but I wasn’t as open because I knew she would go run  her mouth and I would be the one everyone was talking about at Angola. BTW I go to Fremont and Jacob and Jayla go to Angola. I feel like I have no friends what so ever. I feel pathetic. I made Jacob promise me he didn’t have a girlfriend. (I take promises really seriously.!) So if I find out he has a girlfriend after promising me he doesn’t, Well….. Then… I am going to try to walk away from him. I mean hopefully he didn’t lie to me. This is my best friend. The guy I fell in love with. The guy that helped me stop cutting. (Its been a week since I last cut.) The one that is there to talk to when ever I am down and want to cut or if I just need a friend. He is the one that is always there. So lets just hope he didn’t lie to me… /: