in front of everyone at work.

i don’t know why i decided that writing everything down was a good idea. let along on the internet. i guess on here nobody knows who i am and its not somewhere where somebody from my end can find it.

i am a selfharmer/suicidal. have been since i was about 16. i am now nearly 20. it started when my bestfriend died in a car accident. i started self distructing a couple months later. i could not get over her death. then somebudy noticed, a teacher, he threatened to go to the school welfare co-ordinator unless i talked to him. so i chose to talk to him. but then at the end of the year (after i had turned 17) , i went to a party another friend and i had organised, but she had invited extras that i didn’t know, sure that was fine until one of them picked me up and put me in a room and raped me. after that i broke down. i spent most of my last year of high school in and out of hospitals. i started trialling different strengths of antideppresants, but never really let anyone in enough to tell. so the problem really wasn’t and still isn’t acknowledged and (i can’t think of a more appropriate word) dealt with. i had been fine on my current medications until febuary this year. when i started a new job. i love it. don’t get me wrong, but its super stressful. i do vet nursing and i can undertsand how some people would be asking how that could be stressful, being around animals all the time etc… nobody really thinks of the death and the sickness and the sadness that comes with working in that area and then when i had to put my own dog down because he was in pain, add that on top of having to have everything perfect or you get yelled at and you can see why i have relapsed.

it hadn’t been so bad, i was coping, i mean i was trying to remember to take my meds (i have a bad memory at the best of times, so stressed i completely forget and may not notice for days), i wasn’t thinking suicidal, i was cutting, but not to the extent i had in previous years. but then today, i made the biggest mistake of my career and its not one i will ever make again, what makes it worse, i was already having an off day, i had made other little mistakes and been ‘talked to’, but then this one, my boss yelled at me in front of everyone. yes i know i made a mistake i could’ve dealt with that if he had talked to me on my own. i mean i accepted the yelling. i nodded and told him i understood and didn’t look at anyone except him. but i could feel everyone watching. i didn’t cry. i couldn’t let anyone see how upset i really was, it was a huge mistake and it scared me, but he didn’t have to yell at in front of everyone. when i finally finished work, i just came home and started crying and then it got to the point where i couldn’t breathe because i became anxious and dizzy. at that point i had to cut to try and release some of my pain. but then i started thinking that i should end it. i have at the moment stopped thinking about that and opted to write everything down instead. but i came so close to trying. but now i have these new cuts and a bandage to explain away and i have exhausted the ‘a cat got me’ or ‘dog bite’ excuse. i keep thinking i should tell someone and yet i don’t. because i am scared of their reaction. i just wish he’d asked to see me in the office and i would have still accepted the yelling but in front of everyone he embarresed me. and made me feel like an incompetant fool, which he know i am not, it was an off day. but now i feel like i will have another one tomorrow because of how i am feeling.

sorry i know its wordy and can understand if nobody reads it, i just needed to talk/write it out.