Right now I’m only living because I am alive.To not waste what I consider a magnificent oportunity to discover,feel and enjoy everything that moves your heart.Yet no matter how hard I look,no matter how hard I search,I can’t find the rope to guide me trough the maze.I feel so alone…Everyone around me seem so far away,like I was in a different dimension overlaping his one but I couldn’t be touched.I can’t find what moved my heart anymore.Everyday seem wasted.I think: “If I was going to do nothing again,I should have stayed in bed”…Worthless chatter “It’s finaly geting hot outside!”…”I love the cold…”.Everybody looks at me like they saw an alien everytime I say that.I have only two “friends” remaining,even though they don’t match what I think friends are.Fake smiles,empty laughers and trash talk.Those are my everyday tools.
I’ve gave trying to imagine a future where I am happy.I’m just living on geting washed away by the flow of things.Enduring whatever fate shoot at me with a blank face.I’m jaded,as I learned recently what it means.One day while going to work,going at about 110 km/hours,the thought of front crashing another car on the other way came storming.It could be so easy!Right hereright now!Done in a second!But I couldn’t do it.I cared too much about the person I’d crash into.I hate them all,hypocrites,liars and selfish trash!Why did that stop me!!
I watch too much Anime…That’s my escape.To watch bunch of friends that seem so close to each other they could touch everyone’s heart.I won’t deny I like to get lost in these illusions better then to live this life.I can’t dream anymore so I let some show implant their’s into my mind.That’s probably the only thing that kept me alive so long.Geez I’m worthless.Just a piece of flesh walking with it’s eyes closed,going blindly into the ugliness.Living is my ugliest act…
I’m leaving to ontario soon.That’s the one thing that comfort me right now.Leaving this shithole of a city where I have absolutly no memories I’d keep.Leaving those “friends” behind,even though I blankly promised to visit sometime.Being alone,finaly with myself.No one geting in my way.Because I know that when I’m finaly alone for real,nothing will stop me from doing it.And I just know It’ll eventualy come…
2 comments
“Everyone around me seem so far away,like I was in a different dimension overlaping his one but I couldn’t be touched”
do you mean touched on a profound, soul level ?
I often feel like my mind is plugged into another dimension, and that my body & some memories are what keeps me anchored in this world .. I also feel like I’m living in autopilot mode, doing things out of habit and rarely out of desire
yeah that’s what I meant.
I was searching a good way to describe it but autopilot pretty much sums it up.