I went through the actions but didn’t follow through. Third time this week and I keep lying to those “checking in”. I guess it doesn’t matter though. I’m only honest when it’s safe.
Pretty self explanatory. Depression hit like a brick tonight. I feel the weight in my stomach pulling my heart out of place. The images of self harm and suicide are coming like waves crashing over my head. I barely have strength to breathe in before another crashes. I’m losing hope that I can be helped permanently. I just got my head above water only to be pushed down again. Suffocated, ridiculed, laughed at mercilessly by the demons residing in my head. The voices reminding me how dark it can get, insisting it will get that dark again. I am paralyzed by fear and I can feel the anxiety riding down from my head, down my arms and legs tending every muscle. I just keep telling myself it is temporary. I’m not sure how much longer I can tell myself this without feeling like I’m lying. I’m lost in this life, I don’t belong here yet I am tied down by emotional connections I dare not take down with me and the ship.
My husband told me today that I’m crazy in a non joking manner, then went further on to say that my doctor and therapist were crazy for thinking they could help me. I love this man but he says things that just cut me to the bone sometimes. Then he wonders why I really don’t care if I live or die. Actually I more fear life than death. I hate life. I have things worth living for but they don’t hold enough power over me to keep me here guaranteed. I’m a failure at everything I try to accomplish. Apparently this includes getting better. So what’s the point now? Is there one? What’s so important that I should stay?
I’m dipping low again. I thought I had this figured out. Thought the doctors prescribed pesticides were working. Thought I could maybe breathe a little for a change. I was wrong. Tell me where do the hopeless find hope and the worthless find worth? Where do I find some way to accept the darkness that engulfs me? How do I keep fighting for the people I love? The people I desperately want to save from the grief of losing someone to suicide. I just can’t keep fighting this weight that pulls at my heart and anchors me to the lowest place, a true hell on earth. I just want to give up. Everyone thinks I’m better. I thought I was better. People need me. I’m so lost right now. Sorry for the rambling. Sorry for the self pity.
I don’t know how else to put it. I’m either so depressed I can’t function or I’m constantly agitated or anxious. I can’t work because I am either not functioning or hating every minute I’m confronted with other human beings. I hate that I’m like this. I just want to stop living a lie. Everything I do is a lie. I hate this life and I’m tired of acting like it’s just my depression that has me hating it. Like I have a chance of surviving into old age. I wish my husband would leave like he threatens to so I could leave permanently.
I’m This is my favorite band and one of my favorite songs. I wish the voices would stop. I wish the devastatingly low moods would stop. I wish the panic attacks that fill my head with all the ways to die or at least bring forth pain to soothe the demons, would stop. I guess wishes and hopes are for the living though. Take a listen if you like. I can’t get it to load as media, but here is the link.
The oddest thing for me is finding a medicine that somewhat helps and realizing I still want to die. I’m doing better than I have in a year and a half, yet the desire to die isn’t dissipating. In the past, after a failed attempt such as the one I had in June, would encourage me to keep trying to live (after all I must be here for a reason right?). That thought pattern has changed. It may well be due to the incessant flashes of images of me harming myself or killing myself that encourages me to end my life. Maybe the constant reminder of my sick mind is what pushes me to look at the end point. There are two choices for my end. Two that would be painless and permanent. I find myself giving my money to my spouse so I don’t purchase the necessary items that will break his heart. He and my close family members are why I’m still trying, but I grow weary of fighting an illness that refuses to relent. I just needed to vent that out.
I just can’t continue on feeling this way. It’s pointless. I hope I’m strong enough to at least do this and save everyone the curse of my existence.
I’m dying inside. I am falling further into the dark abyss where my coping skills no longer help me function. I am calling my doctor in the morning, if he can’t help I’m done. I just don’t have it in me to keep this fight up. It’s hurting everyone I love. Everything that is living that comes across my path is tainted by my diseased mind. Of I’m going to cause pain and destruction anyway, I might as well do the final deed so they can mourn and move on. They may feel it’s selfish, but it’s the least selfish thing I can do at this time. I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of hurting the people I love.
I can’t breathe, I can’t move, I can’t do this anymore. I just want it to end. Everything go black and disappear. I want to carve just to feel something other than this complete darkness that covers me. No one can help me. No one can help.
Lovely, I just had the biggest panic attack I’ve had in months while at work. I’m alone so I have to work through it. Now I just keep riding the ‘after shocks’ for as long as they take to settle. Fuck this bullshit mental illness. I’m at war with my own mind.
My head is screaming. My body is screaming. The voices and intrusive images are taking over. A crushing weight is sitting on my chest. I feel closer to the monsters in my head than the people who surround me. I can’t breathe and I can only think of ways to bring about physical pain to make the mental insanity end. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of pretending that I can survive this war that I never had a choice in. I did not choose to be born, nor did I choose to participate in this insanity that circulates in my head. I want so badly to be brave enough to finish my exit rather than striving to remain for the few who care.
I don’t know if I’m truly in crisis or just experiencing an increase in intrusive suicidal/ self harm thoughts. I don’t know how to talk to my husband about it because I know it will upset him. I have everything prepared for my final exit right done to method, date and suicide not written. Still, part of me doesn’t feel like I need help. Sorry for the rambling, just really confused. I don’t know if I should reach out to my doctor for help, wait it out and see what happens or just follow through with my plan.