Author

Alexther

I’d rather die than be without you…

by Alexther 10/9/2016

written by Alexther

Well…

I don’t know why I expected this relationship to be different from the others I had…

Right now I’m flying on a case of beer and a dose of ketamine… It feels good, but my mood is still blue…

She left me. She said it was simply because of the distance, even though I told her I was gonna move there and be with her forever…

Whatever… Drugs and alcohol have been the only things that have been always there for me… I’m just gonna indulge in the syringe-vacations until I die of an OD or something…

Damn I loved you… Would’ve done anything for you…

10/9/2016 2 comments

Romantic Madness

by Alexther 8/11/2016

written by Alexther

For those of you guys who I’ve talked to in the past, nope, I’m not dead… yet.

Been a while since I last posted…

Anyway, quick update…

I ”met” this wonderful girl, who is actually my neighbour from back in my homecountry. I was really fucked up on booze one night with some friends, and she messaged me. I was so drunk I didn’t realize who I was talking with, so I went with the feeling and started flirting. Next thing I know, we’re a couple. Been two weeks and a half since we made it to this stage. I’m going back to Romania in the evening of […]

8/11/2016 3 comments

Coming down from psychedelic trip

by Alexther 4/15/2016

written by Alexther

I found a few leaves of a plant with a powerful effect a couple of days ago. Not going to name it to avoid giving anyone here ideas, which I will explain why I don’t want such a thing later.

So, yesterday, I decided to smoke a bit. It was 11 P.M. and I went for one last cigarette. I couldn’t roll myself a joint with the stuff because my parents were in their bedroom watching TV, and I feared getting caught and sent into rehab.

I am so fucking glad I had that fear that prevented me from rolling a joint, because I ended up smoking […]

4/15/2016 3 comments

Nuclear stress bomb

by Alexther 4/11/2016

written by Alexther

I swear my head feels like the fucking bomb in Enola Gay…

I got buried in over my head in appointments, deadlines and the likes during these last few weeks.

Coupled with that never-ending nostalgia feeling, it gives me sudden sharp pains in my temples.

I was literally one step away from having a complete mental breakdown today. I woke up, and as soon as I noticed the dawning sun on the early morning sky, I started crying… Instantly. I bashed my head against the bed several times until I spent the only bit of energy I had at the moment and just stayed like that for a […]

4/11/2016 3 comments

Update

by Alexther 2/12/2016

written by Alexther

Got back home. I didn’t want to cause my family stress/fear… Got semi-forced to continue attending my studies…

No escape… No fuckin’ escape…

Slowly losing the remaining bit of my sanity…

My head hurts…

Almost OD’ed three days ago… It was an accident, me and a couple of friends were celebrating my birthday and we had some chemical fun. I spent about 3 hours shaking and struggling to stay conscious… But I ended up going home safe and downing a couple more beers, finally going to sleep after that.

The way I feel right now is somewhere between really hot and really cold, temperature-speaking… My head feels as if I’m […]

2/12/2016 2 comments

Ran the fuck away

by Alexther 2/3/2016

written by Alexther

Finally had enough of this bullshit. I got my phone and about twenty cents on me. Wish me luck.

2/3/2016 8 comments

I didn’t think this was possible…

by Alexther 1/25/2016

written by Alexther

Wow…

If I wasn’t so apathetic right now, I’d be shocked down to my core…

I never thought it possible to get emotionally lower than I was feeling before… But here I am, unable to even think, my last drop of energy being used earlier today when I walked home from my studies…

I don’t even have the energy to kill myself. If I had energy, I’d do it right now, as this is unbearable, but I cannot be bothered to get up from my chair for nothing in the world…

If the building would just collapse on me and excuse me of all the work involved in killing […]

1/25/2016 3 comments

This may be it…

by Alexther 1/20/2016

written by Alexther

Thanks to everyone here for listening to me opening up and encouraging me throughout my stay at S.P.! You have helped make my time in this world less miserable. Taking one last look through your kind comments on my posts so far… Why can’t everyone be like you guys?

Anyway… As the title says… This may be ”it”…

Wrote the letter, got the ”equipment” ready and all that other shit, heheh… Now I’m just waiting to get the motivation to do it, which will most likely come tomorrow when I’ll yet again be reminded how big of a failure I am. Whelp… Here goes nothing…

By the way, […]

1/20/2016 13 comments

Back to ”Normal”

by Alexther 1/13/2016

written by Alexther

Yup…

But it’s not the usual, it returned… It returned much worse than before… MUCH, much worse…

I can feel whatever’s left of my sanity fading away as I am drawn back into the cycle of repetitive days, with the time barely moving on during the parts of the day I hate, and flying by during the few moments I enjoy in the day.

Then, going back to bed, thinking with dread that tomorrow will be another day I will have to wake up and face the world. Another day I will be reminded with every occasion of the failure that I am. Eventually falling into an uneasy […]

1/13/2016 2 comments

Happy New Year!

by Alexther 12/30/2015

written by Alexther

Happy New Year, everyone!

Whether you are going to some rave party where you have a 50/50 chance of overdosing on MDMA, or spending the night on a couch with Jack Daniels watching the T.V. shows, or sitting with your family at a table full of nice, homecooked food, I hope your transition into 2016 will be a pleasurable one!

I can’t say for sure, but I think I’ve gotten better. Sure, there’s the illicit drug use that might’ve played a role in that, but hey, as long as it worked, who cares, right? I’m off the chemical stuff anyway, sticking to the bud for now. Got […]

12/30/2015 13 comments

Drinking Anxiety

by Alexther 12/10/2015

written by Alexther

Fuck, yeah, I’m drunk again…

Anyway, so I noticed that when I drink too much I get some kind of anxiety. I’m afraid of choking on vomit, so I try every time, as best as I can, not to fall asleep. Suicidal as I am, I still fear the idea of choking to death. I’m doing my best to try and stay awake until I sober up. If you guys would be so kind to comment in order to keep me busy reading what you’re saying, you’d be doing me a great service in helping keep me awake.

One question: Do you guys also get this type […]

12/10/2015 7 comments

Update

by Alexther 12/9/2015

written by Alexther

Yep, still alive… As a pathetic loser who doesn’t have the guts to off himself already and quit cancelling his plans so he can get high ”one last time”…

Can’t even get high now, as my family is aware of my monthly income and I can’t buy shit without them knowing I spent the cash on something.

12/9/2015 1 comment

Zero Motivation

by Alexther 11/30/2015

written by Alexther

Fuck this life, man…

Fuck it all… Not even dope can help me heal now… It’s all clear, I’m not meant to live in this world, or any other for that matter…

I hate it when I have to wake up in the morning… Sleeping without any dreams is so peaceful… If death is like that, I want to die. There may be no turning back, but I don’t want to ever wake up again. All I want is to sleep. An eternal sleep, and nothing more. Is that too much to ask of this sadistic world? Perhaps it is…

Because of my new part-time job (as a […]

11/30/2015 6 comments

Why all the hate?

by Alexther 11/27/2015

written by Alexther

I seriously don’t get why most people hate hardcore drug users… You don’t fucking know me, you don’t know my reasons for taking the stuff, and yet you tell me I’m ”a drain on our society”? I work for the cash I buy my fixes with, and I mean real work, not stealing from your fucking pocket or anyone else’s for that matter.

”Junkie”
”Methhead”
”Tweaker”

Oh please, the hypocrisy is limitless! Most of this shit comes from drinkers/smokers. Well assholes, EVERYONE has vices! The only reason that mines are ”evil” is because they’re illegal. Fuck the law, by the way. I’m not gonna let a bunch […]

11/27/2015 9 comments

Bath salts

by Alexther 11/13/2015

written by Alexther

My first time taking it was really recently. DAMN THAT STUFF IS AWESOME! Sure, it has fucked up side effects, but those are things for people who want to live to worry about, not me. Still suicidal, but at least now I see things the way they are:

I am meant to die as a lone wolf
I’ve tried acting ”normal” for far too long, and it’s time to be myself
I’m aggressive by nature. Spent far too much time pacify myself.
Suicide is the only happy ending I will be able to get, and I do not fear death anymore
Society is nothing but a bunch of half-retarded sheep […]

11/13/2015 5 comments

Checking out the high-speed way

by Alexther 10/25/2015

written by Alexther

Life has fucked me over again, but this time it’s payback time.

First thing tomorrow, I’m getting hold of some booze and dope, heading to the train tracks and jumping in front of the first hi-speed train that comes my way. Yeah, it’s gonna be hard on the guy running the train and people who will notice, but I don’t give a fuck anymore. Call me selfish, because maybe I am… All I know is I WILL do it, whatever it takes and no matter who I hurt in the process…

I got no one to say goodbye to without getting locked away in some psych ward, […]

10/25/2015 9 comments

Vodka, razors and a CD player

by Alexther 2/25/2015

written by Alexther

That’s how I spend most of my weekends…

Sounds funny, right?

Imagine what it would feel like to die… A violent death, and a slow one too… Like being slowly eaten alive by a pack of wolves after strolling too far into the woods… Would it hurt? Hell yeah… But then it would all be over…

2/25/2015 2 comments

I’M FUCKING SORRY!!! :(

by Alexther 12/20/2014

written by Alexther

Dad, I tried… I tried to stop you… I cut your noose you’ve prepared on the balcony to try to stop you from hanging yourself, then I pulled the knife from your hands 3 times, but the 4th time you managed to slit your throat… I’M SORRY! I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH! I’M SORRY I PUSHED YOU TO THE GROUND AND SWEARED AT YOU WHEN YOU TRIED TO HIT MOM, BUT I SAW NO OTHER WAY! PLEASE DON’T DIE! NOT ALONE! I AM SORRY FOR THREATENING YOU WITH THE KNIFE WHEN YOU TURNED TOO VIOLENT! PLEASE JUST DON’T DIE! I BEG YOU! :(((((((((((((((((((

FUCK I HATE THIS!!! […]

12/20/2014 6 comments

Merry Xmas? Fuck you, I don’t think so…

by Alexther 12/20/2014

written by Alexther

Another beautiful evening in my family. As usual, my dad threatens to kill himself, and my mother says he can do it, because she can’t take it anymore. After that, he turns violent and starts smashing things… It’s a mystery to me how he managed to smash so many things in so little time… Tonight is different though… He’s serious about commiting suicide… And quite frankly, I don’t give a flying fuck anymore… Go and hang yourself, you pathetic drunk asshole… Old violent and manipulative ************… He wanted my mom to have an abortion when she was pregnant with me, then, he rejected me as […]

12/20/2014 2 comments

Life goes on…

by Alexther 12/17/2014

written by Alexther

… It goes on and on, with every new dawn bringing more sorrow than the dawn before it…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0DF41cOkII

12/17/2014 0 comment

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