But trying isnt good enough. I cannot take the bullying anymore. I’m not bullied much, but it hurts a lot regardless. She makes gagging sounds when I walk into the room. She doesnt even know me!
I’ve tried twice this morning. Suffocation by garbage bag, and asphyxiation by belt. Neither worked. It hurt, it made my lungs hurt and my head ache. I dont know how else to try.
not because I’m bulimic, mind you. i never puke on purpose… he’s sacred and hurtin and i can’t save him. i cant save anyone. i want to leave him and kill myself, but i wont abandon him like everyone else. he needs to tell his ‘parents’ what that monster did to him…i’m so hungry.
That’s all I had planned to say here. But maybe I should say something else. My room smells like overwhelming dog piss, because my fucking dog has not absorbed three years of potty training. I think we should put him down.
I’ve been thinking a lot about school shootings lately. Did anyone here about the one in Ohio? TJ Lane? Anyway, it fascinates me. If I could get a hold of the guns, ammo, and confidence, I would do it. I know who I’d take out, and why. Fuck you, for telling everyone that lie about me having sex with that scum. Fuck you, for telling […]
A week or so ago, my stepdad told me I couldn’t save my boyfriend, that in the end the only person I can save is myself. I felt a little part of myself die that day… My shrink told me that I take on everyone else’s problems along with my own. My middle school science teacher told me I could put my rebellious energy into something good, that he believed in me. My boyfriend tells me he can tell that I will be a good mother to our children some day… My grandma used to tell me I’m chubby. My teachers always tell me I’m […]
Well, the band that has kept me alive for the past four or five years just split up. I stayed off of facebook for a day, and when I logged on, I found out. One of the things that made me keep going was the hope that I would one day see them live, on stage. Now, it won’t happen. They broke up once before, but there’s no hope this time. I’ve just lost another reason to live.
“Cause the hardest part of this, is leaving you.”
So, two days ago, I almost killed myself. or, I almost intended to. I put a plastic garbage bag over my head (lavender scented, nonetheless) and tightened the opening around my neck. I then breathed calmy in and out, until I started running out of air. To clarify, I wasn’t attempting suicide. I know that, if I tried that way, I’d just pass out, not die. I just wanted to see how it would go, would it be a peaceful way to go? Anyway, when I started to run out of air, I almost didn’t let go. I wanted to die so much for a […]
i think i went over a month without cutting. now i’ve done it nearly every day for 5 days. My head hurts, my mouth hurts, my throat hurts… i think i’m just forcing myself to live until my next shrink appointment. is that the way my life is going to go? making myself resist suicide until the next month’s appointment? i’m such a loser. i have so much cleaning to do, so much happiness to fake. stuck between wanting to eat and wanting to starve, but wanting and doing are two different things. i will always eat, because food is all i’ve really got.
I should be out of bed by now. It’s one in the afternoon, and I have a lot of cleaning I need to do. But no, I’m in bed, wondering why I can’t cry when I feel the sting of should-be tears in my eyes. I’m in bed, reading a depressing book where someone commits suicide and leaves behind a fiancee and an overbearing mother… I’m in bed, wondering how deep I’ll be able to cut without dying. I’m in bed, nauseous from the taste of morning breath, sore from yesterday’s cleaning. I don’t want to live anymore. I have nothing to offer my boyfriend, […]
I didn’t know I’d bleed so much from such small cuts. I’ve never bled this much from this spot.
I woke up this morning, crying after a nightmare where my fiance was murdered. I wish I didn’t have to get out of bed.
Last night, after I published that post saying that my boyfriend said he’d take care of me in my time of need….he confessed something to me: that he has been suicidal on and off since he was ten, and that he really needed to burn himself (his form of self-harm). I ended up getting pissed off that he was pulling this on a day(night) where I needed him more than usual.
Today, with a few bumps in the road, I tried my best […]
I woke up today. I didn’t want to, but I did.
I saw my old shrink today. Appointments are only thirty minutes long, but I think she went overtime for me. I told her about they anxiety I feel, the scratching, the journaling I do. She remembered the reason I came in two years ago, and said she knows of this treatment for PTSD/trauma, and she’ll tell me more next time. Next time is April 23, which is a bit too long for my taste….but that’s okay. Maybe I can last that long, if I try hard enough.
I also finally told my boyfriend about my suicidal […]
I woke up this morning, it was awful.
Tomorrow, I have my first shrink appointment in two years. I’m anxious, my heart sinking at the thought of it. The last time I was in her office, I told her about being raped. She made me tell my mom, even drove me home so she could be sure I would do it. But, being poor, I cant afford another one in town.
I’m near tears, not excited about this, but my boyfriend needs me to seek professional help, whether he’ll admit it or not. I don’t think he can take my shit anymore. I hurt inside, I ache. […]
Now I lay me down to sleep I pray there is a soul to keep Maybe I’ll die before I wake And there will be a soul to take. My heart is numb, My tears are gone, I’m tired of the same old song. I’m tired of the nonstop fear, I’m tired of knowing you’ll leave me here. You say we’ll live a happy life, But i can tell that that’s a lie. You say you love me every day, But it’s just a game of House you play. You’re getting tired of my shit, Of all the tears, the hissy fits. I love my […]
I always think about it, ya know? How easy it could be. I’d just put the noose around my neck, and be done. But I can’t, because my mom would find me. I love her so much, I couldn’t do that to her. I can’t drive, so I can’t just go off a cliff and be done…
I have severe anxiety. Everything I encounter…it’s too hard to live with all of this. I used to think I was special, that I was an amazing writer and I had the potential to go somewhere. Not anymore. I feel below normal, some poverty-stricken punk with anxiety and depression…
I […]
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