Day by day, time seems to be going unbearably slowly, but looking at the big picture, the years went by without me noticing.
I’ve turned 21 recently, and accomplished very little, almost nothing since I got out of high school and I feel a lot of shame about it, but not in a motivating way,
It’s impossible not to think how I will never be able to be the person I could have been because I’ve wasted my time.Or should I say that it’s been stolen away from me? I lost it? Being stuck in the past, I’ve been rewinding years of my life, and I only wish I’d died a long ago-frankly, my only true wish growing up was to cease existing if I think about it
I don’t look forward to anything except taking a lot of sleeping pills. Yet even sleep, no matter how long it takes ends in the blink of an eye, as long as you wake up.It’d be better not to wake up, possibly.
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Damn, I feel ya, it’s just that I turned 25 recently. Time indeed speeds by no matter how slow it feels. Being stuck is indeed a blackhole that takes your time as long as you let it exist. I recently crossed a quote by Laozi that got me, and it fits here too: “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” A similar one: ” Dont let the person of who you were, stand in the way of who you might be” this second one is inaccurate, I can’t remember it well. The point is, death waits us all in the end, so there is no point in hurrying it. After all, dying is easy, living is what is truly hard. Especially since nowadays most people don’t live, they just exist. Dont get me wrong, I really feel you, there been times when I was awake for 2-3 days, just so that I can sleep longer, I had slept 20 hours after those times. But as you said, we always wake up. I hated it too, especially since in my dreams, I’ve been with the one of whom I will never be with. Waking up was the worst. It was not a special dream, we both sat looking at a fireplace, just chilling, her head on my shoulder, hand in hand. Waking up from that hurt me hell of a lot. But it’s not worth dwelling in the dreams since they always end. Just like life. Sooner or later, death awaits us all, so dont haste it. Instead, use that time to do whatever makes the smallest sense to you, try finding goal in the evertdays, not that I could, but trying doesn’t hurts, tho it’s hard and tiring. Death will wait, that is certain, but you only live once, you might feel that once was not enough tho, I do too. I had been lost in thoughts of my past mistakes, how I fucked it up, and if it could have been different, but that is time lost again. I was so angry at my self at times that I busted my hand at the wall, needless to mention it was pointless too. Once, I realized that if I keep giving in to those feelings, nothing will change. At that point I started using my anger as fuel, to wake up, do my daily bullshit, to keep moving. Anger, sadness, pain and suffering, use them as fuel. Dont get it wrong, I still rather die, and I still hope that a random accident may take my life. But giving up is not an option. I didn’t wanted to let the people around me down by doing such a thing even tho they were a part of why I feel so. This post became rather long, but I hope my point is clear, that you’re not alone. I know the longing, for that little peace. But dreams were rather a torture than peace, since they were just small bits of the peace longed for. Whatever it is that drags you down, turn it around and use it to your advantage. I believe in you.