Tomorrow night is the day. I thought I could make it through this year but I cannot. So, good luck everyone. Thank you to all the people who have helped me since 2012. If I make it past this weekend, then it’ll be a miracle. But I’m going to go through with a method that will work. I don’t want to do this, but I have no other reason to live.
So, goodbye. And I wish you all the best.
When is it a right time to say goodbye exactly? When do you just say “ok I’m done now?” How long have you been suicidal, and every year you set a date, don’t do it, and feel like shit? No, seriously. How do you know when that time really comes, and it’s time to go? I’m wondering because, I’ve been suicidal since 18 (i’m 22 now) and every year I set up a date, time and place as to where I’m going to end it. And it never happens. It’s repetitive. Every year. And so now I’m saying, next month has to be IT. Next […]
I think the fact that I was raped and nobody (friends) believe me or support me is what’s going to make me pull the trigger. I told one of my close friends about it yesterday but I made it seem like it was a friend who got raped and not me. And he said “well was she flirting with him.” That pissed me off. Then I said does it matter, she said no and kept trying to push him off. Then he continues to say “Well I know how guys think. He probably thought she was playing hard to get.” “maybe in her mind […]
I think I plan to go by May. The month I’m supposed to graduate. See, I was to kill myself January 9th (my birthday) I had the right method to make sure I don’t actually wake back up, but I didn’t have the right place. And I couldn’t do it at home because I don’t want my mom seeing my lifeless body. But in May, I’ll have a place.
I was supposed to graduate college this year but I had to dropout due to academic probation. My grades dropped really bad, to the point where I just ended up failing all my classes. I don’t […]
Step one of five has been completed. My death date is January 9th. The same date as my birthday. My first step was to leave school. Well technically I got kicked out/academic probation but I didn’t tell anyone that. As far as everyone knows (including my family) I’m transferring to another school. I couldn’t tell anyone that I’m getting kicked out. I’m not blaming anybody for everything I did wrong and why i didn’t do well. I just don’t know what happened. I was doing so well with school and making straight A’s for the first 2 years. And I don’t even want to blame […]
I usually don’t post twice a week. But I have no one else to vent to and I’m just on the edge. I have nothing going for my life. As said before, I’m getting kicked out of school and this is my last semester but my parents don’t know. If they find out, I’m not sure what would happen, but I still decided not tell them. I figured since I’m supposed to go back to school January 20th after the break, and I’ve already picked out my date on Jan. 9th (my birthday) so I guess I won’t have to worry about school anymore. Or […]
This morning I sent out all my thanksgiving text to my family and close loved ones. Tellin them that I love them and the reason why I’m thankful for them. At least they’ll know how I feel when I off myself. I’ve been on this site since 2012 and nothing hasn’t gotten better. It only got worse.
I guess this is why rape victims never come forward about anything. I’ve only told 5 of my closest friends and out of the five, two have told me it was my fault and one doesn’t believe me after I told him the whole story from start to finish. […]
I just need to pick a date already. I could do next week on the 11th, it’ll make it a year since the rape. I could do the last day of 2015, or on my birthday in January. I can’t be here anymore. I have absolutely no purpose in life. I think about suicide every single day. I wake up thinking about it it’s the only thing that consistently stay on my mind. I’m in school but I’m pretty much failing to the point where I’m on academic probation. If I do bad this semester there kicking me out. I used to do so well. […]
I met him last year around the end of August beginning of September. He was so nice to me. And he started flirting with me and saying how I was cute. Now I never really had a guy say this to me as I spent many years being called ugly and unattractive and you know. I started to devolop feelings for him and started to trust him. I loved his personality and it’s like, he was it for me. But I started to realize at the end that he only liked me for sex. It was lust for him. He only wanted my body. Every […]
When I first started writing on this website, which is February 2012, I was going through little things. I was a senior in high school worried about the way I look. Like crying everyday because I thought I was ugly, or crying because my peers would make fun of me and somebody told me to kill myself. And as I look back at those moments, I wish I didn’t let that little stuff bother me. Because It was nothing. It was little. Let’s fast forward to my third year of college. I am at the point in my life where death and the afterlife does […]
Here I am. It’s almost 2015, and I’m so determined that this is my year…to die. Because I’ve been planning this for three years. I always told myself as soon as I turn 21, and if things aren’t any better, than it’s time. I’ve explained my story before so there’s no need to go through that again. Right now, I just see no point of going on…I had everything worked out for my life. College, be a nurse, married, kids….blah blah blah. But I can’t even get through college right now. My Gpa is so fucking low that I’m possibly going to get kicked out. […]
So the plan I had created, exactly October 24, 2012 is still in. And I have to say I am really proud of myself. Because on that day I wanted to go home and kill myself. But I told myself, “not yet, because you’re still a kid. What if your life gets better after your graduate.” So I graduated high school that year, and I made a promise that I will try to community college and then transfer to University, so experience life a little. I decided to let myself try at least one semester in university, away from my parents and family. And try […]
Okay. So I haven’t wrote here in a year…I guess I thought things were getting slightly better…they’re not. Life sucks. Now I’m 20. In college…and I just want to drop out soo bad, but at the same time, I really want to be a nurse so I have to keep going right? I feel like such a failure. Because, I might not graduate on time, and I feel as if all my friends are graduating and going to get nice jobs and start their life. And then there’ me who is still struggling to even get up in the morning. I still hate the way […]
I haven’t been on here in months and I won’t deny that things have actually gotten much worse. I mean one minute I’m saying “I got this, I can make it” and the next I’m saying “okay I’ll just end it all on my 21st birthday.” My feelings go back and fourth. And now it’s just all coming back. My plan was to end it all on my 21st. To see if things ever get better. I realize that im still young, and all that, but some people just weren’t meant for life. Sometimes I feel bad because I wasn’t put through so much torture […]
I’ve been trying to stay positive for a month now. I’ve been trying not to think about negative thoughts, but it’s coming back. All of it. I’m having a panic attack for something so stupid. To make a long story short, I got a job today at The Gap, I start Thursday and I’m worrying about it because of something so dumb. Okay, as we all know I’m shy, and  pretty much an introvert. I’m going to be a sales associate, they also want me to harass and sell customers credit cards and I am not comfortable doing that at all. I’m freaking out, for something […]
Lol. I mean it’s just a thought. My last post here was months ago because i thought i was doing fine. But I’m Defenitley not. At lease not anymore anyways. All my thoughts keep coming back, im suppose to be free from them, but they keep re-appearing in my mind. The bullying, the lonlieness, being a failure. Just everything. I thought I was fine, because I told myself I’m going to get prettier, and i’ll be in college and everything will get better. But no. Nothing has gotten better. I thought for sure I’d have a boyfriend by now. I don’t know why I thought […]
I haven’t been up here for a couple of months, well actually just one month. I Graduated last month. Im so much happier now that im done with school, I hated myself, for so many reason. Because i thought i was ugly, I talked down on myself everyday, I was sooo depressed. But ever since i graduated, i’ve been so much happier. Have I ever had my first kiss? No. My First boyfriend? No. I think that was the main problems for my depression. I hated going to school. But now, im happier than ever. I feel so much confidence in myself, I start college […]
Like, when is it my time to be that girl who was once the ugly duckling and turned into the beautiful swan? Because right now, im still the ugly duckling. It feels like no matter how old i get, or how much i try to change my look. I will always look like shit! it’s crazy. And everytime i think i look good, No one else does. Like no matter what i do, im always be that ugly ass girl. you know? and it gets annoying. Im tired of it. Im tired of being “the ugly one” when it comes to me hanging with my […]
i will never understand someone who can say someone else is judgmental and that person themselves are. My sister judges me a lot. She calls me a jerk, mean, emotionless everything, and i dont understand why. She doesn’t know what i went through everyday at school. Do i think im a jerk and all that? No! And if i am then i don’t mean to be. Everyone has their off days. it just pisses me the freak off when she says that stuff about me. I feel like she doesnt even know anything about me or my life, or the things i go through, and she has the nerve to sit […]
i havent wrote here in a while, things been going great for a long time, and graduation is saturday. but today, somebody made me ready for death. Somebody wanted to make me kill myself today, like no other. Somebody bullied me like i’ve never been bullied before. She humilated me. She took a picture of my hair and said “your hair should not look like this” and posted it on twitter. i have never been so hurt in my life, i’ve been called ugly, and all sorts of names, but this is just horrible. Saturday after graduation, im killing myself.
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