Having a another really bad night. Everything feels like it’s wrong in my world again. I’m so afraid of myself and can’t fully accept my reality. I honestly just want to feel genuinely loved. I think I have friends who love me but I don’t really feel anything from people regardless of that. My own self loathing is getting in the way of everything. I feel like my constant down personality is driving everyone away as well. Subconsciously I kind of want them gone at the same time as needing them. I fear that if people get too close they’ll discover the truth and desert me when I’ve already gotten too attatched and vulnerable…. nobody around will understand my identity and my emotions and I’ll really be alone all over again
It’s 5am where I am and I’m embarking on another night of staying up late, alone.
I really need to fix my sleeping schedule but no matter how early I try to go to bed, my thoughts keep me awake.
When I do actually succeed in being in bed asleep by 2am, I still sleep until past 3pm anyway because I just can’t get out of bed. I wake up a few times but then feel a crushing weight of “I can’t do this” and I go back to bed. I swear I only wake up to pee or else I’d never get up.
Does anyone have any advice on motivating yourself to get out of bed?
Because I sleep all day, I never eat and my body feels so limp and lethargic all the time, I don’t wanna do anything… I feel slightly less suicidal than I did two days ago, but the dread always creeps up on me when I least expect it.
I woke up this morning covered in hives. I still feel an oncoming fever and my lymph nodes are swollen. It hurts to breath. I also have had years of reoccurring tonsilitis and stones and they are back too. I spent 7 hours last night trying to clean and reorganize my moldy, dusty, shared basement in an attempt to de litter my life and combat stress. But, it seems to have been a bad idea because now I’m soooo sick.
I was saying two days ago if I have to live in my awful house with this shitty life much longer, I think I’m going to die. But now it feels like it’s true that the end is nigh. I know that just sounds over dramatic but, as if I wasn’t already depressed and stressed out about everything enough. I gotta be sick too, continueing my sleep in until 7pm cycle.
On top of this, my chronic pain issue has been acting up way more lately to the point I can’t move. Everything sucks ?
Woke up some time after 4pm again for the millionth time in a row when I could have been productive today. I know over sleeping makes your body feel worse but I just can’t will myself out of bed until I absolutely have to. Because of this, I eat one meal a day at most (the term meal used loosely).
Thinking about a commenters words of finding a calm place. I’m not really sure I have one. Sometimes sleep can be freeing, but tbh I am often plagued by reoccurring nightmares of traumatic experiences and will cry in my sleep. I never really feel well rested or energized.
The only other place I have felt calm would be one of the places where I had planned to kill myself 2 years ago. I just got kicked out of school because I was too poor to afford the rest of my tuition, my boyfriend was caught cheating on me for months, and I was beyond broke with a week to find a new place to live or be out on the street. I tried to call my parents for help in an act of sheer desperation and was told “that sucks, hope you figure something out” and that was it.
My school was near a river and one day I just turned off my phone so no one could reach me and walked out of my room, not looking back. I had never learned to swim so any large enough body of water would do the job. When I got to the pier along the water, a lot of people were around as it was a sunny day so I decided to wait on a bench in front of the guard rail until no one was there who could stop me. I ended up sitting there for hours, completely disassociating while staring aand listening to the moving water. It’s kind of corny in a way that water can have such a calming effect on people. It helped me settle the demons in my mind long enough that by happen stance a friend ran into me and sat with me and my plans by that point were called off.
To be honest though I really wish I jumped into the water that day. That friend who accidentally “saved me” later became my lover- then one of my biggest abusers which still haunts me.
Hi, “artaria” 21, gnc intersex/transgender and hating life
I’m almost 22 but I feel as if I am generations older from all of the messed up stuff that has happened in my life. Every year seems to have un-ending sadness and awful events. So many horrible things I couldn’t begin to list it all.
It is embarking on the anniversary of the last really big traumated thing to happen in my life last year. Months of intense emotional and physical abuse culminated to me finding myself in an even worse situation that I don’t really want to get into right now…
I still blame myself in a lot of ways for not getting out of that situation but many factors stopped me. I’ve been poor my whole like so I couldn’t just leave or I’d be out on the street. My parents have had a physically abusive relationship my whole life- my dad was an alcoholic and abusive to my mom and all of the children. so I’m socially conditioned to think it’s ok… that people are fucked up because they love you.
I was always the weird one and got made fun of and threatened for it. My parents would hold secret house meetings when I was at work and ask my siblings for private details about me. I have always been queer and artsy and that doesn’t fly in my family, my parents instructions were to “beat the gay” out of anyone who acted out.
When I discovered my true gender identity, it was frightening. I had to hide it from everyone out of fear of being beat. Thus intensifying the lifelong hatred for myself I still harbor. At this point I’ve been living on my own terms since I was old enough to run away from my awful family and town when I turned 18. Ive almost been homeless several times but managed to hustle some kind of temporary situation before I could start making enough money for myself to just barely survive… but no matter how hard I work I still feel stuck.
I still hide my trans identity from almost everyone around me, save a few internet friends. I feel so isolated but I know it would be worse if they knew. I already feel so disgusted with myself I don’t want others to degrade my body even more. This disgust is made worse through my traumatic memories of multiple sexual abuse. I also live with chronic pain that I hide from EVERYONE. Mostly because I’m in denial. I have confirm tested for precancerous cells and over the past year have been developing worse and worse alarming symptoms… but tbh I secretly hope it ends up to be something bad enough to kill me so don’t have to.
Transgender people have one of the highest rates of suicide and I completely understand why. I have written a suicide note many times and have had one failed attempt. The suicidal thoughts come in intensifying waves to the point I either can’t sleep at all or I will sleep for over 15 hours of the day, then get up in the night and go out and drink on a cycle for a week in a row.
I feel so alone all the time, I have friends, but I still keep a level of mystery up for my own protection and can’t even let them hug me or they might feel my body is different.
I feel my gender has made my life exponentially more difficult than it has to be. As a queer person, I don’t feel like I can fully express myself. I constantly have to hide behind certain clothes and never feel right. Recently, I feel like I fucked up one of the most beautiful relationships I could ever have because I couldn’t accept myself and nobody finds that attractive. He tried to love me, but in the end my self depricating and disgusting body was too much, he admitted that he just wanted a “real man”.
I feel so lost in this world. I don’t think I could ever love myself unless I cold just wake up one day and be normal. I don’t know if it’s real, but I have always felt like some people are just meant to suffer and end it on their own terms. I’ve been considering writing a new note just to have on hand for when it all breaks. I already know exactly how I would end it and have always had it in the back of my mind…