Home Chronic Pain new here, feeling lost, venting
Report Post

new here, feeling lost, venting

by ataria-coronaria

Hi, “artaria” 21, gnc intersex/transgender and hating life

I’m almost 22 but I feel as if I am generations older from all of the messed up stuff that has happened in my life. Every year seems to have un-ending sadness and awful events. So many horrible things I couldn’t begin to list it all.

It is embarking on the anniversary of the last really big traumated thing to happen in my life last year. Months of intense emotional and physical abuse culminated to me finding myself in an even worse situation that I don’t really want to get into right now…

I still blame myself in a lot of ways for not getting out of that situation but many factors stopped me. I’ve been poor my whole like so I couldn’t just leave or I’d be out on the street. My parents have had a physically abusive relationship my whole life- my dad was an alcoholic and abusive to my mom and all of the children. so I’m socially conditioned to think it’s ok… that people are fucked up because they love you.

I was always the weird one and got made fun of and threatened for it. My parents would hold secret house meetings when I was at work and ask my siblings for private details about me. I have always been queer and artsy and that doesn’t fly in my family, my parents instructions were to “beat the gay” out of anyone who acted out.

When I discovered my true gender identity, it was frightening. I had to hide it from everyone out of fear of being beat. Thus intensifying the lifelong hatred for myself I still harbor. At this point I’ve been living on my own terms since I was old enough to run away from my awful family and town when I turned 18. Ive almost been homeless several times but managed to hustle some kind of temporary situation before I could start making enough money for myself to just barely survive… but no matter how hard I work I still feel stuck.

I still hide my trans identity from almost everyone around me, save a few internet friends. I feel so isolated but I know it would be worse if they knew. I already feel so disgusted with myself I don’t want others to degrade my body even more. This disgust is made worse through my traumatic memories of multiple sexual abuse. I also live with chronic pain that I hide from EVERYONE. Mostly because I’m in denial. I have confirm tested for precancerous cells and over the past year have been developing worse and worse alarming symptoms… but tbh I secretly hope it ends up to be something bad enough to kill me so don’t have to.

Transgender people have one of the highest rates of suicide and I completely understand why. I have written a suicide note many times and have had one failed attempt. The suicidal thoughts come in intensifying waves to the point I either can’t sleep at all or I will sleep for over 15 hours of the day, then get up in the night and go out and drink on a cycle for a week in a row.

I feel so alone all the time, I have friends, but I still keep a level of mystery up for my own protection and can’t even let them hug me or they might feel my body is different.

I feel my gender has made my life exponentially more difficult than it has to be. As a queer person, I don’t feel like I can fully express myself. I constantly have to hide behind certain clothes and never feel right. Recently, I feel like I fucked up one of the most beautiful relationships I could ever have because I couldn’t accept myself and nobody finds that attractive. He tried to love me, but in the end my self depricating and disgusting body was too much, he admitted that he just wanted a “real man”.

I feel so lost in this world. I don’t think I could ever love myself unless I cold just wake up one day and be normal. I don’t know if it’s real, but I have always felt like some people are just meant to suffer and end it on their own terms. I’ve been considering writing a new note just to have on hand for when it all breaks. I already know exactly how I would end it and have always had it in the back of my mind…

7 comments
0

Related posts

7 comments

nonexistingsoul 2/20/2018 - 10:47 am

Life isn’t fair. We always think if we deserve this things. You can only lean on yourself cause not everybody can understand the things that we feel and experience. I’m glad that you shared your story here. This is a good place to let out your emotions and things that goes in our life. You’re already 21 and you managed to live all through those things. You’re a strong person. You hold your life and your decisions. You can make things possible in your life because you own your own world. If you feel exhausted in life, take a breather. Go to a place where you feel free and relaxed. Do things that makes you feel that you’re the only person in the world and no one can contradict you. I’m looking forward to hear more from you 🙂

I sometimes remind myself that even if I’m not happy in this life, atleast one of me in the parallel world is living a happy and peaceful life 🙂

ataria-coronaria 2/20/2018 - 5:29 pm

I totally get what you’re saying when you have only yourself to truly rely on. It feels so unfair though because so many other people around me do have family that loves and accepts them. Their family would never let them be homeless like mine and it’s so frustrating. But there’s nothing I can do to change that

hatedbyGOD 2/20/2018 - 10:50 am

No words to say that can help you. Maybe I am not that wise.
But one thing I would like to say. Don’t hide yourself from people you call friends.
If they stay knowing who you are, then great, if they leave then good riddance.
I hope you find peace.

Hey There 2/20/2018 - 12:43 pm

HANG IN THERE MY FRIEND… DONT LOSE HOPE…. LIFE SUCKS AT TIMES… BAD THINGS HAPPEN AND MOST OF THE TIME WE WONDER WHY WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO SUFFER…. BUT LOOK AROUND MY FRIEND THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH MUCH MUCH MORE TERRIBLE CIRCUMSTANCES AND FOR THEM LIFE GOES ON…
LOSING HOPE IS NOT THE ANSWER MY LOVE… YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON; I CAN TELL COZ IT TAKES A PERSON WITH A HUGE HEART AND GUT TO COME THIS FAR THAT YOU HAVE….
DONT LOSE HOPE TAKE LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME… AND REMEMBER WHEN THINGS CAN GET NO WORSE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE, THEY BEGIN TO GET BETTER…
IM NOT EVEN SURE IF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN… ALL I AM SAYING IS THAT PLEASE DONT GIVE UP… IF YOU THINK YOU ARE ALONE… THEN WELL AND GOOD YOU CAN BUILD A GOOD LIFE ALONE… AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY WORTH YOUR TIME AND LOVE WILL COME ALONG… TILL THEN JUST DONT GIVE UP AND DO YOUR BEST….
CHEERS~~~~~~

Snoopy41 2/20/2018 - 5:53 pm

Hi Ataria, this is a good place to share stories and feelings – there are few trolls; and it’s as anonymous as you want it to be.

Actually, I read your post and just feel admiration for how you are managing. I’m with HBG – at some point I think you are going have to share yourself with friends, otherwise there will always be a barrier between you. And if they are true friends, they will accept you.

Keep in touch.

ataria-coronaria 2/20/2018 - 6:20 pm

I have had a push from many people to open up with my friends… it’s really hard. I did open up in high school and they completely rejected me and called me an “it” . So I’m scared it will happen all over again and I will be alone :/

tryingtohope 2/24/2018 - 9:50 pm

My three nieces had a trans friend and they loved her so dearly. Maybe she was afraid to open up to them and share her pain. Maybe they thought they knew how she felt, but they never really saw her deep down pain. And now they are all hurting so much because she is gone at her own hands. and they are wishing so much that they had tried harder to understand how she was really feeling.

If you have any friends who you feel understand and accept you, please reach out to them. They will be so hurt if you leave them.

Leave a Comment