new here, feeling lost, venting

Hi, “artaria” 21, gnc intersex/transgender and hating life

I’m almost 22 but I feel as if I am generations older from all of the messed up stuff that has happened in my life. Every year seems to have un-ending sadness and awful events. So many horrible things I couldn’t begin to list it all.

It is embarking on the anniversary of the last really big traumated thing to happen in my life last year. Months of intense emotional and physical abuse culminated to me finding myself in an even worse situation that I don’t really want to get into right now…

I still blame myself in a lot of ways for not getting out of that situation but many factors stopped me. I’ve been poor my whole like so I couldn’t just leave or I’d be out on the street. My parents have had a physically abusive relationship my whole life- my dad was an alcoholic and abusive to my mom and all of the children. so I’m socially conditioned to think it’s ok… that people are fucked up because they love you.

I was always the weird one and got made fun of and threatened for it. My parents would hold secret house meetings when I was at work and ask my siblings for private details about me. I have always been queer and artsy and that doesn’t fly in my family, my parents instructions were to “beat the gay” out of anyone who acted out.

When I discovered my true gender identity, it was frightening. I had to hide it from everyone out of fear of being beat. Thus intensifying the lifelong hatred for myself I still harbor. At this point I’ve been living on my own terms since I was old enough to run away from my awful family and town when I turned 18. Ive almost been homeless several times but managed to hustle some kind of temporary situation before I could start making enough money for myself to just barely survive… but no matter how hard I work I still feel stuck.

I still hide my trans identity from almost everyone around me, save a few internet friends. I feel so isolated but I know it would be worse if they knew. I already feel so disgusted with myself I don’t want others to degrade my body even more. This disgust is made worse through my traumatic memories of multiple sexual abuse. I also live with chronic pain that I hide from EVERYONE. Mostly because I’m in denial. I have confirm tested for precancerous cells and over the past year have been developing worse and worse alarming symptoms… but tbh I secretly hope it ends up to be something bad enough to kill me so don’t have to.

Transgender people have one of the highest rates of suicide and I completely understand why. I have written a suicide note many times and have had one failed attempt. The suicidal thoughts come in intensifying waves to the point I either can’t sleep at all or I will sleep for over 15 hours of the day, then get up in the night and go out and drink on a cycle for a week in a row.

I feel so alone all the time, I have friends, but I still keep a level of mystery up for my own protection and can’t even let them hug me or they might feel my body is different.

I feel my gender has made my life exponentially more difficult than it has to be. As a queer person, I don’t feel like I can fully express myself. I constantly have to hide behind certain clothes and never feel right. Recently, I feel like I fucked up one of the most beautiful relationships I could ever have because I couldn’t accept myself and nobody finds that attractive. He tried to love me, but in the end my self depricating and disgusting body was too much, he admitted that he just wanted a “real man”.

I feel so lost in this world. I don’t think I could ever love myself unless I cold just wake up one day and be normal. I don’t know if it’s real, but I have always felt like some people are just meant to suffer and end it on their own terms. I’ve been considering writing a new note just to have on hand for when it all breaks. I already know exactly how I would end it and have always had it in the back of my mind…