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(Ramblings; not actually seeking answers or replies)

Why does it hurt when I think of someone I love being happy with someone – especially a friend who betrayed my trust? When that love is so intense; when it makes me doubt if anyone has truly experienced it. when it’s the proportional context for everything else in my life. when for as long as I’ve had the blessing of having them in my life, them being happy was the only thing that has ever mattered to me. Given that, why then does it hurt to think of them happy with someone else?!

Because the person that makes them […]

There would be none with happy endings; only the fortunate, blessed with a few happy chapters.

I don’t suffer from depression; I suffer from existing.

There are things in this reality which, for me, make life a synonym for suffering. I don’t expect you to understand but I hope you forgive me, and that the world is kinder to you.

This felt like the shortest summer I’ve ever experienced, yet every day drags on for what feels like an eternity. Ever since the spring; the past evaporates because it’s empty and meaningless, while the present day grinds slowly on, ablating.

As often as you can; you try to remember that you’re live. Being fully conscious of existence as a sentient being, and your ability to interact with the world. Emotionally you shout praise for all things, and that you exist. Experiencing the wonders and magic of it all with those you love — and the one you love. To feel the blood pump thru your arteries and feel happiness to be alive, and gratitude to have things in your life that are of such meaningful importance to you. Cherishing every moment; with all your heart, and tears in your eyes.

And then it all goes wrong. […]

He never has to wonder. How many people wish they knew what it felt like to mean the world to someone else? To be their everything? To always be on their mind and in their heart every waking second? To be the most if not only meaningful thing in their lives? He knows…

It isn’t what people expect. It’s empty, unfulfilling, unimportant, sad, and tragic. To be loved is meaningless. For him to be aware of and try to understand what I feel for him (which is beyond his comprehension) doesn’t let him experience it or feel it. For all intents and purposes, that knowledge is […]

Commitment issues? Lack of belonging? Paranoid? Anti-social? Untrusting? Feeling like a burden?

Well, everything I’ve ever tried to commit myself to in my entire life has failed spectacularly in fashions that appear almost if by design to hurt me. Nearly everyone I called a friend stabbed me in the back, semi-lied to me and semi-conspired against me, and then abandoned everything just to avoid one of my best friends and I. And another best friend, the only person I knew in real life and that told my only secret to (about who I love), betrayed me both to my face and also my back, as he […]

If I’m very very lucky; after a deep and long 6 hour sleep, I wake up with a slight smile on my face with white-noise thoughts in my mind. As I open my eyes and the world comes into focus, they squeeze shut again while every muscle tightens with the pain of remembering. After a couple seconds, I’m able to release my held breath, and a few tears. Small tremors and shakes as my body fills with adrenaline thanks to fight-or-flight responses. Unable to fight, unable to flight – my body’s efforts are wasted, though more effective than a morning coffee. A few more seconds of […]

When thoughts of what you’re doing for dinner and what shows you want to watch are interspersed among fantasies of putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. When your life ended in your past, and you’re nothing but a walking corpse waiting for an opportunity to lay in your grave without causing more harm. Certain that things will never be okay again, and feeling that if they ever were, that would mean something went wrong with you. When everything is a distraction to escape being alone with your own thoughts, feelings, and memories- while simultaneously not wanting to ignore them.

Days, weeks, months, […]

To understand, to listen, to apologize. Against all odds.

I suppressed my instincts. I trusted them at their word, tried to only see them for who they said they were. When I opened up, they lied to me. I felt it would be foolish to throw away a chance like that so I played along. I hoped my instincts were incorrect about everything, I hoped I was just damaged.  I wanted to have met someone good. I wanted to be wrong.

I was the one who felt violated after I was lied to, manipulated, and betrayed when I was at my most vulnerable. Violated in a way […]

This place hates me.  It’s always the same.

But I’ve been so desperate to be proven wrong…

Taking what was left of my already damaged trust. Placing it in someone when I was at my most vulnerable. I feel violated. Betrayed in the exact way I opened up about. The one and only thing I asked for was truth. It was a final attempt. It took me my entire life to start giving up on people. Trusting individuals; against instinct, against all odds. Believing at face value, hoping to not be hurt, hoping not to be lied to, hoping things will be different. They lie for selfish […]

Someone wants to end their existence to escape the suffering and avoid more pain, lied to and betrayed all their life. After they confide in you, saying good bye rather than disappearing without a trace, you stop them by lying to them, getting them to open up and toy with their emotions while betraying them behind their back. Unsure if it was for personal gain, or for a belief that they were doing the right thing.

The one thing I’m certain of, is that it’s cruel.