I’m known well among the people I have been close to for my devious “master plans” , as we call them. This summer I had it all planned out. I had plans to have fun. Reckless, dangerous, stupid fun. These plans have kept me going with the promise of something better, but as I’ve learned so many many times in the past, promises are made to be broken. My bridge to possible happiness has been smashed by a wrecking ball and the rest burnt to the ground. My secrets rummaged through and posted on a wall for all to see and for all to make […]
A lot has happened since I posted earlier this month, some good, some bad, some terribly wrong but so right at the same time. The guy who earlier this year broke my heart, betrayed and ruined me, came back into my life in a new and unexpected way. It was me who actually contacted him and brought him back in in some way. The first time was a couple weeks ago.
Anyway, we’ve been participating in um.. very.. “intimate activities” with each other, mostly over the last week. I have been telling myself not to let it affect me and not to let any feelings that […]
Well I never thought I’d see today honestly. I wish I didn’t have to. Actually I didn’t have to, so I don’t know what the hell I’m complaining for. Every day I think about ending it, and every day I don’t do it; just wish and hope that I could die.
As I take a deep breath and everybody says “Make a wish” , I think about how ignorant they really are. They would regret saying “I hope your wish comes true!”. Wishes don’t come true anyway, well not for people like me at least.
So why then, why not just get it over […]
One pill, two pills, three pills, four.
Five pills, six pills, seven pills more.
And if I never wake, it’ll be too soon.
Alone time is the best time.
I smoke by myself.
I drink by myself. Pop pills and fuck by myself.
I cut by myself and I’ll die by myself.
I’m all I need.
I’m sitting here on my bedroom floor, blood dripping from my fingers, trying to convince myself to just end it all. It could all be over so quick. How can that not be tempting. I’ve often thought I’d wanna go painlessly, up until recently. My life has shattered around me, the people I cared about most have up and left. I decided that I didn’t give a fuck anymore. I decided “fuck love” and “fuck right and wrong. Nothing in my life has ever been right.” I’ve been wasting myself, losing myself. I hate myself for the things I’ve done, but I don’t care enough […]
What do you do when suddenly the person who meant the world to you, is gone. When you’ve shared everything with that person, built up trust in them, grew with them, gave them all of you.. shared all your “firsts” with them because you knew they would be there forever and you knew them so well – or you thought you did. You “knew” they would never betray you or lie to you because they loved you and you had so much confidence in it that there was absolutely no questioning it. You do everything for that person, for years they are your best friend […]
This is my first post so. There’s no justified reason for me to talk about my background or how I came to the point where I am now talking about my worthless life to a bunch of people who I don’t know and who probably don’t care. I’m sure the things I post will be the same things everyone’s heard a million times. I’m not saying that it makes what anyone has been through any less significant or important or painful and damaging, but it kind of sucks that I’m just another depressed, screwed up teenager reaching out to people on the internet because there’s […]